


I Found You

by Sphonza



Category: CRAVITY (Mentioned), Oneus (Mentioned) - Fandom, TOMORROW X TOGETHER, TXT - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Depression, Fluff and Humour, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Kim Youngjo/Ravn - Freeform, M/M, Other idols are mentioned - Freeform, Park Serim - Freeform, Save Soobin from their stupidity, Stupidity, The younger three are the same age, attempted humour, slight angst, slowburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:28:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 50,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24062137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sphonza/pseuds/Sphonza
Summary: Yeonjun is the most confident gay around, always walking up to hot guys in public and asking for a kiss, usually they walk away in disgust, but this guy kisses back.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Choi Yeonjun, Side Kim Taehyun/Choi Soobin
Comments: 66
Kudos: 157





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are appreciated <3  
> It’s not great but... <3  
> Hope whoever is reading has a good day!  
> -More Chapters Coming!

If anyone had told Beomgyu what would be happening later that day he wouldn’t have bothered getting out of bed. The safe, people free nest of his. Atleast if he had stayed in bed longer the only thing that would have woken him from his slumber was the annoyingly bright ball of fire in the sky shining through his annoyingly thin curtains. 

But no, instead he got up early, made some coffee, slipped on his favourite hoodie, threw on a coat and scarf (winter in Seoul is torture), then he headed out the door. 

Beomgyu was never really a morning person, more of a night into early morning owl, but for once he felt not completely pissed off by being up and about before 8am. Maybe it was because of excitement of starting university, or the fear, or any of the other array of emotions he was feeling right now.

He made his way towards the park, it was always quiet at this time no matter the season, isn’t the summer the people who go for early morning jogs are already gone it’s to early for kids to be out, and in the winter it was too early for anyone rational to be out. Period. 

As much as he hated early mornings, he begrudgingly had to admit they were beautiful. Wether it be the still dark and starry sky, or the cold that hugged the place, when it was dark it felt like the world was saying ‘here you go, just some quiet time to yourself in this tranquil place.’ Or wether it be the sunrise with its beautiful oranges and pinks, just the colours made a new day feel special, even if it was just another ordinary day, it felt like the world was saying, ‘here you go, pal, something beautiful just for you.’

Beomgyu parked himself on a bench, he could feel the cold of the metal even through his padded jacket and hoodie, he shuddered, but it was a good shudder, it made him feel more awake, more at peace. As much as he hated the cold, it did sometimes make you feel more refreshed and free, something you can’t really get with warmth. 

He stretched with his whole body, yawning, he was started college in a week and he honestly didn’t feel prepared. 

Atleast he had Taehyun though, the younger was naturally comedic and had an attention span that lasted no longer than three seconds flat, he appreciated that about the younger. 

Beomgyu took another look around the empty park, just to make sure it was empty, then he pulled out his writing pad. He was quite proud of it, he had nearly finished the entire thing, though he dreaded having to type it up, he was hoping Kai would make it entertaining by acting it out as he typed as if it was some crappy play. He smiled at the thought.

He flipped to the last page he had wrote in, her stopped half way through a sentence, he hates when he does that. He stared blankly at the page, oh how he could curse his past self, it wasn’t a big deal but it still annoyed him that the sentence will never be the exact same as what he intended it to be. He tapped his pen against his forehead. Think. Think. Think.

After some time he started to get his momentum back as he scribbled word after word onto the paper, he loved when it was like this. Quiet outside and his mind stuck in its own little world, that was the best place to be. 

“Can I read it, cutie?” A hand grabbed the pen from Beomgyu’s as he was trying to finish his sentence. The universe must really be against him finishing sentences these days. His biggest pet peeve striking again.

“Excuse you.” Beomgyu turned around and snatched the pen out of the strangers hand. He glared straight into the strangers eyes, seriously who comes up to a stranger at ass o’clock in a park. Oh shit was he going to get murdered? No he was too cute to be a murder. *Fuck sake Beamgyu, think straight thoughts.*

“I don’t want to be excused. Can I read it then?” The blue haired stranger went to take his notebook, Beomgyu swatted his hand away.

“Okay, One, I didn’t give you an answer. Two, I don’t know you so why the hell are you talking to me? And three, don’t call me cutie.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes and stuffed his notebook into his back again. 

“Okay, one, an author never gives a specific person permission to read their book. Two, what’s wrong with making a new friend? Cutie.” Blue haired guy smiled smugly at Beomgyu.

He rolled his eyes, why does he attract the weirdos? He already has two, thanks, maybe three if he included himself but that’s besides the point.

“Okay, one, by publishing it they give you permission. Two, everything, how do I know you’re not going to chop me up or something? Or maybe I’ll chop you up, you are pretty annoying.” 

“They never say it’s okay for specific people though do they? And don’t I seem a bit sweet and innocent to go all choppity chop?” Blue haired guy winked at him and he couldn’t help but roll his eyes in return. 

“You are completely missing the point here, for both point. Do you know how annoying you are?” 

“You’re such a sweetheart, cutie.” Blue haired guy had a stupidly happy grin.

“I have a name y’know.”

“Which is?”

“I can’t say. Classified information.” 

Blue haired guy rolled his eyes. “I’m Yeonjun. Lovely to meet you cutie, I’m sorry to say I have to go now.”

“Such a shame, honestly.”

Yeonjun smiled at him again.

“I’m Beomgyu. Now go away.”

“I’ll read that story of yours some day.” Yeonjun smiled brightly before waving and basically slipping away. *How is anyone so chipper in the morning?*

Beomgyu sat in stunned silence for a few minutes. Yeonjun had looked ineffable, with the street light only illuminating part of his face, the dark of the early morning making his hair tones darker. His smile, his glowing smile and dark eyes. His eyes were truly beautiful, call him cliché but Beomgyu genuinely believed the eyes were the window to the soul, you could always see genuine emotion through them, plus he loved the deep colours of some eyes where as other people had pastel eyes, he loved that everyone’s were slightly different. Or maybe he watched too many ted talks with his sister on individuality, he never quite understood why she was obsessed with them though.

Beomgyu shook his gas and pulled his notebook out again and he found himself smiling, soft brown eyed Yeonjun had just given him an idea.

———————————

Beomgyu should really have thought about telling his friends about his strange morning, but his damned instincts decided that as soon as he flung open the door he had to yell, “I just met the strangest guy!” Which in turn led to him getting teased about talking to anyone but then proceeded to stare at him incredulously as he told his tale. 

“I’m sorry but I would have laughed if he kidnapped you.” Taeyhun laughed sad Beomgyu stares at him with his offended expression. 

“No, you would cry because I am clearly dead to your heart.” 

“No that’s Kai, Hyung.” Taehyun rolled his eyes like it was the most obvious thing.

“Hm, depends really.” Kai shrugged.

“Depends on what exactly?” Beomgyu crossed his arms.

“If you come back or not.” 

Kai’s reply send Taehyun into a laughing fit, “seriously, we’re like husbands and wives.”

“You’re the only one that thinks like that, you two are just annoying brats.” Beomgyu snorted.

“Excuse you, hyung, we are angels that bring joy to your life, you are merely just in a bad mood today.” Kai crosses his arms and frowned.

Beomgyu rolled his eyes and and stood up. “I’m gonna take a shower, okay?” 

Taehyun nodded , “cafe afterwards?” 

Kai and Taehyun nodded as they all went up to do their separate things.

———————————

Beomgyu smiled warmly as he saw his friends bicker. Their continuous back and fourth of teasing warmed his heart in a weird way.

Ever since they were little kids, with Beomgyu moving into the street trying to make friends up until this moment, they were all he had and all he wanted. 

He had met Kai first. His mom sent him down to the park at the end of the street. Beomgyu sat alone the swing, and sweet Kai rocked up to him with a daisy and asked him to play tag with him. He’ll never forget how cute Kai was that day, even when he was seven he though Kai was the cutest thing on this earth, even rivalling puppies, and to little Gyu, that meant a lot. 

Taehyun came a little over a year later, and it was little Gyu who made the bubbly duo into the energetic three musketeers. Taehyung was alone in the playground with a skipping rope, he fell and little Gyu had felt so bad for him that he started watching over him everyday until he became apart of the friendship. 

Maybe he never met them in a special way, but it felt special to him. They were the stars to his moon, the sun peaking through his grey.

Then again, they were the only people he ever let in, they were his only friends. Unlike Taehyun who had his Hobi and Suga Hyung and Kai who had his Jungkook and Jimin Hyung. Sure he’d met their hyungs before but he never really spent enough time with them to consider them friends. But he was content with it that way, he didn’t need anything to change, he was happy with his little life bubble.

Kai rapper him on his shoulder, “you getting lost up there again, Gyu?” Kai rapper his head with a playful smile.

“That’s Hyung to you, brat.” Beomgyu hit the youngest over the head earring a giggle from the middle child.

After much discussion of what kind of coffee or tea they wanted Beomgyu went up to order, ruffling Taehyun’s hair as he walked by. 

He felt a tap on his shoulder, “one of you better now have changed your mind.” Beomgyu sighed and turned around, instead he was greeted with a piece of paper quickly pushed into his pocket and a kiss.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone has a good day <3  
> Comments are appreciated!  
> Twitter: @SuckerForJilix

People say when you have your first kiss the world stops. For Beomgyu it went something like this:

He knew whose lips were on his own, that neon blue hair is impossible to forget, along with the face that accompanies it. 

The moment it happened Beomgyu didn’t understand why he didn’t pull away. Maybe it was because it felt like pure magic, it was heaven on earth. The warmth and comfort that radiates form being this close to someone mad him never want to leave that moment. For the few seconds that it lasted it felt like home, it felt right. It took his breath away. It felt like when you’re heart exploded looking at cute puppies, or the joy of seeing the start of snow. 

Maybe he didn’t feel sparks flying or fireworks exploding, but he never wanted that, what he was feeling in that moment was the very thing he had read about, wrote about, on rare occasion dreamed about, but nothing would compare to the real thing.

Yes, time stopped, but at the same time it didn’t. He was aware of the people at the register ordering and the baristas talking.

He didn’t want that moment to end. If he ever has to pick a moment in time to live in forever, aside from that one snowy Christmas with Taehyun and Kai last year, he would pick this one. 

And now present moment, time is normal again and Beomgyu has no clue why he didn’t pull away.

Yeonjun has a soft smile on his face, he was still so close to Beomgyu, close enough to kiss him again. 

“What was that?” Beomgyu didn’t dare breathe.

“See you around, cutie.” Yeonjun took his coffee and threw him a smile over his shoulder before he left the coffee shop. 

“You two are cute, you been dating long?” The barista smiled as she handed him the drinks. 

“We’re.. we’re not dating!” Beomgyu could feel his face go bright red as he took the drinks and whispered a quick thank you before retreating to his friends table. 

“So what was that, hyung?” Taehyun smirked as he cocked an eyebrow at Beomgyu. 

“Nothing. How much did you see?” Beomgyu face everyone their respective drink before hiding his bright red face in his hands, (Taehyun opted for bubble tea, Kai chose latte, Beomgyu considered himself himself the only sane one as he opted for hot chocolate).

“Why didn’t you tell us you have a boyfriend, hyung?” Kai frowned as he look at him, looking genuinely hurt.

“He’s not my boyfriend for gods sake! I don’t even know him, forget about it, okay?” Beomgyu covered half of his face as he sipped his drunk, he could die of shame.

“Then why would he kiss you?” Taehyun tilted his head as he pried his friends hand away from his face. 

“I don’t know! He’s the guy from the park! I don’t know why he did that! God that was so embarrassing.” Beomgyu groaned as he hit his head off the table.

“Are you okay hyung?” Kai’s expression softened as he saw his hyung in genuine distress.

“Why did that happen? That’s so goddam embarrassing AND it was my first kiss. I’m so ashamed.” Beomgyu groaned 

“It’s not like you initiated it.” Taehyun shrugged and patted Beomgyu’s shoulder. “To us it looked like you enjoyed it actually. Maybe you two are love at first sight?”

“Why can’t you guys be weirded out and scream at me to never go outside again? Honestly it’s like you guys think this is a normal thing.” 

“Gyu this is you we’re talking about, I’m surprised but not shocked.” Kai giggled at Beomgyu’s offended expression. 

“Besides it’s about time you got a boyfriend.” Taehyun shrugged taking another sip of his drink.

“And a random stranger is gonna do the trick?”

“No offence Gyu, but you don’t exactly like making new friends. Or talking to anyone besides us. You didn’t push that guy away which in your language means the wedding bells will be ringing.” Kai smiled as Beomgyu went to hit him over the head.

“You guys make me sound like a recluse.”

“I mean you kinda are.” Taeyhun shrugged.

“I share an apartment with you two! I’m literally hanging out with you guys!”

“If you didn’t have us you wouldn’t leave the apartment though.” Kai laughed as Beomgyu huffed in response.

“What did he put in your pocket anyway?” Taehyun moved his seat closer to Beomgyu’s.

“I don’t know and I don’t care.” Beomgyu glared are them as he dumped the paper along with his coffee cup into the bin.

“Gyu...” Kai frowned as Beomgyu made his way back to the table.

“What? I don’t know him.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“He could have just handed you the key to stopping global warming and you just put it in the bin without even looking!” Taehyun rubber his temples.

“If he has that information he can do it himself.”   
Beomgyu shrugged. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Okay, Gyu, this guy talked to you this morning, he sees you again and kisses you, he’s clearly interested in you! So why are you so opposed to seeing him again? That paper probably had his number on it!” Taehyun sighed.

“A minute ago you said he had the key to stopping global warming on it, make you your mind.” Beomgyu laughed at Taehyun’s fed up expression.

“All we’re trying to say is you should make more friends. We love you to death and we want what’s best for you, but you need more people in your life than us, you wouldn’t be so defensive if you didn’t agree.” Kai shook his head. 

“I’m not being defensive and I’m all for making friends, but literally anyone else would agree that this is weird and not a normal way to make friends!” 

“I’m done arguing about this for now. Arcade?” Taehyun stood up and pushed his seat in.

“Sure, who knows maybe I’ll beat one of you today.” Beomgyu smiled.

“No offence Gyu, but you’re terrible at games.” They both started giggling as Beomgyu stormed out the café.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone has a good day <3  
> Twitter: @SuckerForJilix

As much as Beomgyu hated to admit it, he was pretty bad at games, and he was absolutely hopeless at the claw, but one game he did always win at was the dance revolution game at the very corner of the arcade.

“I think we should just play this until we wanna leave.” Beomgyu smiled as Taehyun scowled as his side of the screen lit up with second place.

“If I beat you this round then I’ll be okay with doing that.” Kai budged Taehyun off his spot earning a quiet ‘traitor’ from the older.

“So,” Taehyun started as they started dancing to the song, “who wants to come to my parents house this weekend? They have promised pizza as long as we don’t break the microwave again.”

“I can’t, you know I’ve got my exam next week.” Beomgyu sighed as he glanced at Taehyun before looking back at the screen.

“And you’ve studied plenty! Every time you walk out of your room you say something super profound! Honestly living with a English literature student is hard!”

“Taehyun you think someone telling you it will rain tomorrow is profound.” Kai snickered.

“You’re meant to be on my side!”

“Right, sorry. He does have a point though hyung, you’re super smart as it is, and to be fair when I made you noodles the other day you said ‘the most beautiful part is I wasn’t even looking and yet I found you.’” 

“Hey that was a sweet thing to say! You can’t complain about that!”

“I’d rather you had said it when I had done something sentimental and not because I don’t want you to die from starvation just yet.”

“Kai that’s nothing, I gave him back his hoodie and he said ‘souls don’t find eachother by simple accident.’”

“Hey I was emotional! I never thought I would get that hoodie back!”

“Hyung it was so melodramatic.” Kai giggled.

“You two have no respect for your dear hyung.” Beomgyu smirked as first place came up on his screen.

“You were our hyung until you beat us, now you’re just a weirdo that we live with.” Taehyun laughed as Beomgyu started to chase him through the arcade.

It only took a few seconds for Beomgyu to get ahold of Teahyun, considering the arcade wasn’t exactly empty it was probably the right call before they accidentally kill some random bystander. 

Beomgyu wrapped Taehyun in a tight hug, “I love you Taehyun~” he said in a sing song voice.

“Go away~” Taehyun sing songed back.

“Just tell him you love him Tae I wanna go to the claw machines.” Kai groaned.

“I love you too.” Taehyun muttered earning a happy cheer from Beomgyu.

“Hey Kai do you wanna know a cool word?” Beomgyu asked as he watched Taehyun try to get one plushie that was giving him a hard time.

“What?”

“Sempiternal.” 

“Elaborate, please. We don’t all know Shakespearean words.” Taehyun rolled his eyes before looking back at the claw.

“It means ever-lasting and unchanging.” Beomgyu grinned as Kai gave him a soft smile.

“You’re such a sap.” Kai laughed.

“It’s part of my charm.”

———————————

The start of university rolled round quicker than the trio would have liked, it wasn’t hard yet, but a change is still a change. Though they quickly got into a routine that went like this:

7am- Kai wakes up his hyungs complaining loudly that he’s the only one with morning classes.

“You chose engineering, it’s your own fault.” Taehyun groaned

“You have no sympathy.”

“Maybe we’d have more sympathy if you didn’t wake us up at the crack of dawn.”

8am- Kai leaves for his class.

“I hope you get lost on the way back.” Taehyun smiled.

“It’s fine, you’ll miss me and come looking for me.”

12pm- Beomgyu leaves for his class.

“Have fun learning dead words, hyung.” Taehyun said.

“Thou shallith go fuck thou self.” Beomgyu yelled as he shut the door.

12:30pm- Taehyun leaves for his class.

2pm- Kai waits for Beomgyu’s class to finish so they can walk home together.

“Hey Kai, what do you say to a bear to get it to come to you?”

“What?”

“Cam-on-bear.”

“You’re cheese jokes are horrible.”

Beomgyu just smiled

“Stop doing that.” Kai groaned.

“What?”

“That thing you’re doing with your face.”

“Smiling?”

“Yes! It’s nauseating.”

“Why you little-“

3:30pm- Taehyun gets home and complains about his class.

“Seriously, some of those people cant act to save their lives!”

“You definitely belong in there hyung, you’re so dramatic.”

The rest of the day is usually compiled of studying, complaining about studying, trying not to burn their apartment down as they try to make dinner. Beomgyu likes the routine, and for the first month that routine never changes.

———————————

As expected things change a little over time, Beomgyu didn’t mind that. He didn’t mind that he didn’t see them as much because he understood they all had more work to do and they were making more friends. He didn’t mind sometimes Kai and Taehyun sometimes went off on their own, they’re friends, they can do whatever they want. He didn’t mind that much when they set him up with a guy from his lit class (poor Serim was as baffled as he was, atleast he got a new friend out of it though). 

He did however, start to mind when they tried to get him to go to parties. He minded when they regularly complained at him always being in the house. He minded when they said he had started to become highly strung.

Maybe his friends would complain less if they knew what was going on with their hyung. But Beomgyu for the life of him, couldn’t bring himself to tell them. 

Beomgyu had told Serim within the first two weeks of knowing him, usually he’d be more closed off but being with Serim just felt so easy, maybe it was because they bonded over their friends idiocy but who’s to say.

Him telling Serim had felt so easy and to Serim’s credit, the older did manage to make Beomgyu feel a little bit better about it. 

Beomgyu had hid his anxiety from his friends for years, his mom sent him to the doctors about it when he was 13 because “no child his age should be afraid to ask for a bus ticket.”

For the most part it had been fairly easy, considering Beomgyu tried to forget about it himself, he could always get out of uncomfortable situations with them, and to his joy those were rare. I’m high school all of them had stuck together so they never really had to go and try new things.

Of course he understood why his friends wanted to try new things, they were in university, a whole new chapter of their lives and they wanted to make the most of it, and he really wanted them to, he just didn’t see why he had to be apart of their new activities.

He tried, hard, to forget about his worries, and for the most part he got fairly good at it, but there was always a couple of weeks or a month we’re he just couldn’t pretend it didn’t exist anymore. 

Going to university and moving away from home is scary and stressful for any normal person, and Beomgyu was proud to say he’s been so busy that he didn’t really have time to focus on that little voice nagging him, but now that everything has died down things were different. Now when he went for a coffee he rehearsed his order over and over in his head, now when he walked into his classes he felt like a million eyes were looking at him, now when he sat beside Serim he worried the other would make fun of him, now whenever someone wished him a good day all he could do was nod dumbly, now when he went to the store for groceries he worried the cashier would judge him, now when he sat down to do something his his friends at night he worried he hadn’t done his work good enough, or that he had forgotten something, now when he sat down his his friends, he worried they were tired of him.

Part of him knew these were dumb worries, but he couldn’t help it, he needed to do well in university and he simply couldn’t live without his two best friends, his two biggest worries could be put at ease even a little if he just asked straight out ‘am I doing okay in this class professor’ or ‘if you guys were annoyed at me you’d tell me right?’ but he couldn’t do that for fear of the answers. 

———————————

“So hyung, theres this very very small party and we were wonder-“

“No.” Beomgyu shook his head as Taehyun groaned. They were currently trying to clean Taehyun’s room, they live in it for a month and a half and it already looks like a tip.

“Why not?”

“Parties aren’t my thing, how many times have I told you this?”

“It’s going to be thirty people max!”

“Still no.”

“Hyung..” Taehyun frowned and took the pile of laundry Beomgyu had collected out of his hands and sat it on the bed. “Please come? It would mean a lot to me and Kai.”

“First of all it’s Kai and I.” Taehyun rolled his eyes and Beomgyu smiled, “Second of all wouldn’t it be more fun without your anti social friend?”

Taehyun sighed and lied down on the bed, bringing Beomgyu down with him and putting his arms around him. “We just want you to have fun, trying new things won’t hurt you, I just want to see you put yourself out there, and if you completely hate it then that’s fair but atleast you gave it a fair shot. I’m as content with our little bubble as you are, but I don’t want to see you hide away forever.” 

Beomgyu smiled as he fiddled with the bracelet on Taehyun’s wrist, “I didn’t realise we were going to get all sappy.” He could feel Taehyun sigh which made him smile, “okay I guess.. just this once okay?”

“Thank you, Gyu!” Taehyun grinned as he pulled his friend back up again, “I swear you’ll have fun!”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “let’s just get your room tidied, it’s gross in here.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beomgyu’s first time drunk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope whoever reading has a good day<3  
> Comments are appreciated <3

January 29th*  
*Words to annoy Taehyun and Kai with !*  
*Onism - typically used in philosophy, it means the awareness of how little you’ll experience in the world. *  
*Sonder - the realisation that every stranger you pass is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.*  
*Atelophobia - the fear of imperfection or not being good enough*

“Enough of that, hyung.” Kai took the pen from Beomgyu and smiled down at him.

“Can I atleast finish my sentence?” He scowled back.

“Nope, we’ve got to get ready for the ‘party’” Taehyun smiled as he strolled into the room.

“Beomgyu’s first ever university party, I think I might just tear up.” Kai sniffled and rubbed his eyes.

“Our boys all grown up.” Taehyun fake cried as he sat on the bed.

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “there’s ‘thirty people max’ so what’s the point?”

“The point is it’s nice to look nice.” Kai shrugged.

“You sound like a kids cartoon.” Beomgyu snickered as Kai threw a pillow at him.

After a lot of protests and groaning from Beomgyu, Taehyun and Kai managed to make Beomgyu wear something that wasn’t a hoodie (jeans, a top and a leather jacket was what they deemed appropriate), make him wear makeup and get themselves ready just in time for leaving, Beomgyu was actually impressed until he realised that Kai had somehow got eyeshadow all over the wall, he didn’t even want to ask how it happened. 

“I’m freezing, why couldn’t you make me wear duvet or something?” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“Oh can it you’ll he warm when we get there.” Kai rolled his eyes.

“I can’t believe you guys have dragged me into this.” Beomgyu huffed as the house came into view.

“C’mon grandpa, it’ll be fun!” Taehyun smiled.

“Well it looks like more than thirty people.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“Don’t be so uptight! You won’t even notice once your drunk!” Taehyun slung an arm around his shoulder.

“Taehyun that is exactly comforting.” Kai rolled his eyes and and linked his arm with Beomgyu’s, “it doesn’t matter how many people there are, we’re going to stick together so everything’s okay!” 

———————————

They’d only been there half an hour but Beomgyu had decided he would rather do anything else then be here. 

As soon as they got there some of Kai and Taehyun’s new friends pulled them away, they promised to come back but Beomgyu knew better than believe that. 

Somehow Serim seemed to be in the same boat though, he didn’t mind parties but he was the designated driver (“Parties aren’t fun when you’re sober.” “I have to say I agree.”) and his friends had disappeared after a few minutes so he started looking for someone else to hang out with, which is why there is now a sober Serim looking after a tipsy Beomgyu. 

Serim, for the most part, was a good distraction, he had good jokes too, Beomgyu had to write them down when he got a minute, and he was currently telling Beomgyu about his friend that has a “photosynthesis” memory. Then Serim got dragged away by a very drunk friend of his, throwing a sorry look Beomgyu’s way as he pointed at his phone. After that he got non stop texts from him about him baby sitting his friend (which he swore was absolute childcare), it made Beomgyu smile. 

That’s when Beomgyu decided he wasn’t drunk enough to even witness this party, so he downed some shots and left, he hadn’t seen Kai or Taehyun in awhile so he figured they wouldn’t mind, or care.

———————————

“Hey, cutie.” Yeonjun smiled as Beomgyu stumbled towards him, “what are you doing out this late?”

“I’m going home, obviously.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes and walked past him, “why are you out, sonic the hedgehog?”

“That last part was uncalled for.” Yeonjun held his hand to his heart earning another eye roll from Beomgyu, “I was wanting ice cream so I’m walking to the store, are you drunk?”

“Only a little.”

“You didn’t strike me as the party type.”

“I’m not.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes again, “my friends dragged me.”

“Where are they?” Yeonjun tilted his head.

“Probably still at the party.” Beomgyu shrugged. 

“Shouldn’t you wait for them? Won’t they be worried?”

Beomgyu just shrugged and carried on walking.

“Do you wanna get some ice cream with me?” Yeonjun smiled as he tugged Beomgyu’s arm back.

Beomgyu rolled his eyes again. “If you keep doing that your eyes will get stuck there.” Yeonjun giggled as Beomgyu elbowed him.

“What’s with you? Like seriously, what kind of weirdo are you? Who tries to talk to someone at ass o’clock in a park, then who has the fucking audacity to kiss said person the second time they meet them, then decides to go and have ice cream with said person. Are you insane?” Beomgyu moved his arms around as he talked nearly slapping Yeonjun a couple of times.

“Before I answer any of that, why didn’t you message me?” Yeonjun tilted his head again and stopped walking.

“Why would I have your number?”

“I gave it to you at the cafe!”

“Oh that, I binned it.”

“Why?!” Yeonjun frowned.

Beomgyu shrugged, “my friends wouldn’t stop teasing me, I didn’t know your number was on that.”

“I think you could have guessed.” Yeonjun rolled his eyes but smiled, “give me your phone.”

Beomgyu sighed, “only because I’m drunk, any other time I wouldn’t.” 

Yeonjun took the phone and started typing his number in, “noted.” 

Beomgyu took the phone back with a sigh, “happy?”

“Very. Now c’mon let’s go get some ice cream.” He smiled and linked his arm with Beomgyu’s.

“Are we going to start skipping on the yellow brick pavement or something?” 

“What?” Yeonjun asked.

“Wizard of Oz?”

“I never saw that movie.”

“Dishonour upon your, dishonour upon your family, dishonour upon your cow. That is disgraceful.”

Yeonjun giggled, “I’ll watch it when I get home then, just for you.”

“So are you going to answer any of my questions?”

“Okay, moody, you looked friendly and pretty harmless so I wanted to make a friend, I kissed you because I like you, and who doesn’t want company when they’re having ice cream? Eating ice cream alone feels too sad.”

“Those are bullshit reasons.”

Yeonjun just smiled, “it is what it is. So why did you leave the party?”

“It got too busy, parties aren’t really my thing, or socialising, or drinking, and my friends seem to have forgotten I’ve existed so I made my escape.”

“They’ll be worried you know.”

“I’m an adult, I can take care of myself.”

“Doesn’t mean they won’t worry.”

“I doubt they will.”

“Why?”

Beomgyu frowned, “what do you mean why?”

Yeonjun shrugged, “I mean why, they’re your friends so why wouldn’t they care?”

“I make things boring, they’re probably happy to have some peace from me.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“I doubt that.” Yeonjun frowned.

“Think what you want.” Beomgyu shrugged.

——————— 

Eventually they reached the store and got their ice cream, Beomgyu got vanilla and Yeonjun got mint choco (Beomgyu and the cashier both agreed that Yeonjun was insane, the cashier even threatened to stab Yeonjun’s eye out with the plastic spoon if he bought that again).

“We’re nearly at your house.” Yeonjun said.

“How would you know?”

“Google maps.” Yeonjun rolled his eyes and smiled.

“How do you know it isn’t wrong though, maybe it’s sending us to get abducted! Or maybe we’ll go through another dimension!” Beomgyu tugged on Yeonjun’s arm as he spoke.

“I promise you nothing supernatural will happen.” 

“Scout’s honour?” 

Yeonjun snorted, “sure.”

“Do you ever think about the fact we have expiry dates?” Beomgyu asked.

“Like grapes?”

“Yes! Exactly! Aren’t we all just a bunch of grapes walking around till we expire?”

“Grapes have a best before date though, that’s kinda different.”

“Well humans are best before a certain time aren’t they?”

At this point the two of them were laughing hard, Beomgyu was surprised to say that drunk Beomgyu is actually kind of funny, and Yeonjun has a beautiful laugh. He was genuinely starting to believe a puppy was born for every second he laughed, really really adorable puppies. 

“You have a pretty laugh.” Beomgyu smiled.

“Who would’ve thought you were secretly nice?”  
Yeonjun smiled softly.

“I’m an angel and I’m offended you don’t know that.” Beomgyu frowned.

“I never said you weren’t, you’re just more open now.” Yeonjun shrugged simply.

“It’s because I didn’t know you, again who makes friends at a park.”

“Plenty of people!”

“Whatever you say.” Beomgyu smiled.

“Do you have your keys?” Yeonjun tilted his head.

“Yes, thank you ever so much good sir for making sure I didn’t get run over, you have my deepest gratitude.” Beomgyu waves his arms around dramatically then put the keys in the door.

“Sleep well, cutie.” Yeonjun smiled.

“Can I have a hug?” 

“That’s a bit random.” Yeonjun gave him a soft smile before pulling him into a hug. 

Beomgyu smiled, he couldn’t explain it but he felt so safe with the talkers arms around him, it felt like a home, so warm and soft, he seriously debated making it a law that Yeonjun couldn’t let him go.

“Go I’m and go to sleep now, okay?”

“Yes, mom!” Beomgyu giggles before closing the door.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Overdramatic university students

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope whoever reading has a good day <3

Beomgyu wakes up way too early due to the buzz of his phone and internally groans at his pounding headache. He was thankful though, he can remember a handful of times when Kai and Taehyun have been sick, he seems to have avoided that part, something he believes he should get a medal for.

*Yeonjunnie<3*  
*Hope you’re feeling okay, cutie <3 *

“Oh shit.” Beomgyu mutters to himself as he remembers a few hours prior. He had really abandoned his friends then hung out with so nice the hedgehog, got ice cream with him, walked home with him, and hugged him. He instantly hated himself, he shouldn’t have left and he definitely shouldn’t have had a good time with the human embodiment of Joy (Kia had made him watch it one too many times when it came out). However he should feel embarrassed as hell, which he does, so he’s atleast doing that part correctly.

But what else could he have done besides leave? Taeyhun and Kai didn’t even give him a text, they didn’t even say anything to him after they got to the party, and that left him feeling a little hurt, he never wanted to go in the first place as it was. He was thankful to Serim, as always. He couldn’t explain how or why but Serim has become a reoccurring comfort in his life, Serim has felt sad about leaving Beomgyu on his own, Serim kept texting him even when he wasn’t with him, Serim seemed to care about the fact that he didn’t want to be there. 

He didn’t know what he felt towards Yeonjun. The first time they met he was genuinely a little freaked out, he hated talking to other people at school, why would he want to do it in his free time? But he’d be lying if he said Yeonjun didn’t intrigue him the first time, he was so easy going Beomgyu couldn’t help but be a bit in awe of him even if he hated to admit it. He hated what happened at the café, his friends had been there and Yeonjun gave him no warning, he did kind of like Yeonjun at that point but it was one of those far away crushes were he thought he’d never see him again, he didn’t regret binning his number, he couldn’t bare the taunts Taehyun would throw at him. But the night before changed a couple of things, Yeonjun had acted like a friend towards him, he wanted to make sure he got home safe, he bought him ice cream, he asked if he was okay, he put up with his antics and literally delivered him to his door. He had to admit that touched him a little. Or a lot. Who was to say really.

He sighed as he made his bed and opened his curtains, he didn’t really want to face Kai or Taehyun. Especially Taehyun, he’s always been harder to reason with than Kai. 

He pulled a hoodie over his head and walked to their living room, putting it off wasn’t going to do anything.

“Hi.” He gave Kai a small smile as he sat beside him.

“How was last night, hyung?” Kai turned to him and gave him a soft look.

“Fine. Serim was there.” Beomgyu shrugged. 

“Was it fun?” 

“Sure. How did you guys get home?”

“We walked.” Kai shrugged and looked at the floor.

“Did you guys have fun?”

“I guess.” Kai mumbled.

They sat in silence for a couple of minutes, a couple of awkward minutes. He couldn’t remember even one time before were him and Kai had been awkward, not even when little Kai had asked him how his baby sister was made, and that had been a little uncomfortable, but it wasn’t awkward.

“So you’re alive?” Taehyun walked in and sat on the other side of Kai with his arms folded.

“Good morning to you too.” 

“Why didn’t you text us to tell us you left?”

“You guys didn’t text either. Besides I am and adult, believe it or not I can get myself home.”

“Why did you bother coming if you were going to leave straight away anyway?”

“I stayed for like an hour because Serim stayed with me.” 

Kai fidgeted awkwardly in the middle of the two, looking around the room as his hyungs glared at each other.

“Look, I’m sorry we didn’t stay with you okay? But we wanted you to try and find someone new to hang out with or maybe something else, you know?”

“You can do whatever you want, it’s the fact that you were the one that wanted me to go in the first place!”

“We wanted you to socialise a little, hyung.” Kai looked at Beomgyu and gave him a small smile.

“That isn’t something for you two to decide!” Beomgyu pinches the bridge of his nose as he sighed.

“We were just trying to look out for you.”

“Clearly. And last time I checked that wasn’t your job.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“I’m going to make us some coffee,” Kai have them both a smile before standing up.

“It’s what friends do!”

“Well I never asked you to!”

“That’s a little bit petty isn’t it?”

Beomgyu crosses his arms and stares at Taehyun.

“Look it shouldn’t be a big deal!”

“It wasn’t until you decided you knew what was best.”

“Why are you being like this? We’re looking out for you! What’s so wrong with having a couple more friends? You enjoy being around Serim right?”

“Of course I do but that’s besides the point, I don’t need you telling me what’s good for me.”

“I’m your family, Gyu, I’m going to tell you what’s good for you wether you like it or not, having a couple more friends wouldn’t hurt, you could have more fun, every friendship is different and you’ve barely experienced any of them!”

“You may be right but that’s not something you should decide.”

“You can’t just hide inside forever and only talk to us.”

Kai walked in awkwardly and handed each of them a coffee and sat on the floor, he took the remote and put on some kdrama he had been watching. Kai had never been good at dealing with his hyungs when they annoyed each other so pretending they weren’t seemed like the simplest option.

“I’m going out. See you guys later.”

——————— 

He ended up texting Serim as soon as he got out the door. The older told him to meet him at a cafe not too far away.

Beomgyu was pissed. He didn’t need other people in his life, that just left more room to be hurt, Kai and Taehyun were his family and he was content with having just them. He wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t feel the same but that’s just how it was for him. 

When he eventually reached the cafe Serim was already sitting at a table with two drinks.

“Thanks for coming.” Beomgyu smiled as he slid into the chair opposite Serim.

“No problem! Have a hot chocolate, if ice cream is break up food then hot chocolate is the argument with friends drink.”

“Thanks, but how does that work?” Beomgyu smiled as he took a sip of his drink.

“Well they’re opposites aren’t they? And relationships and friendships are two different things so it makes sense.” Serim shrugged.

“I guess I can see the logic there.” He smiled again.

“So what happened?”

“I left the party yesterday without them and Taehyun is pissed, then he starts going on about how they left so I could socialise or whatever, he always goes on about how he’s just looking out for me but it isn’t his place and it’s so hecking annoying.” Beomgyu sighed.

“Did you just say hecking?”

“Serim.” Beomgyu groaned.

“Okay, okay.” Serim smiled, ““Taehyun is kind of right though.” 

“Not you too.” Beomgyu groaned.

“Hear me out though, having different kinds of friendships is good, like you told me your worries and you’ve never told them, because the friendships are different, and what about when you guys argue, who would you confine in then?”

“We don’t argue.”

“Then why are we sitting here having friend-argument hot chocolate?”

“Because you are set on making it a thing?” Beomgyu smiled.

“You’re right there.” He rolled his eyes, “you have to see where I’m coming from though, you need another couple of shoulders to lean on, Gyu.”

“I get that you guys are right but shouldn’t this be something I decide, not something that’s kinda forced on?”

“They just care about you, it’s as simple as that.” Serim shrugged, “plus we wouldn’t be friends if it wasn’t for them, would we?”

Beomgyu held his hand to his heart, “I’m offended! I thought we were meant to be!”

Serim laughed, “the first time I saw you in class you didn’t look like you wanted to know me!”

“Because I didn’t know you yet!” Beomgyu whined.

“Maybe we would be soulmates if you had welcomed me with open arms and a presentation in front of the whole class about how amazing I am!” 

Beomgyu laughed, “if that’s what it takes to be soulmates what would a proposal have to be like?”

“Oh you don’t want to go there.” Serim smiled.

“Your high maintenance.”

“And you love me for it.” Serim winked and Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

———————

Serim and Beomgyu ended up seeing a movie after they were done at the cafe. Serim talked a lot during the movie compiling at dumb choices and whispering “Gyu, Gyu, Gyu!” whenever something sweet happened, he decided eighth then and there that Serim was the best movie buddy he’d ever had. 

When Beomgyu left to go back to the apartment it had started getting dark, he figured he should pick up some groceries before Taehyun complained they had run out of cereal.

[We Bare Bears - 3 People]

Grizzly - What groceries do we need?

Ice Bear - We could do with some ramen?

Panda - We’re nearly out of coffee

Grizzly - How???

Ice Bear - Taehyun was making cereal and instead of putting sugar on he put coffee on top

Grizzly - Don’t tell me you still ate it

Panda - It actually tasted pretty good

Beomgyu rolled his eyes and smiled, somewhat disappointed that he missed that, he could only pray Kai videoed it for him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short update because online school is hhhhhh, hoping to do some super long ones later :D  
> Have a good day <3

For the next week things became pretty normal again, Taehyun and Beomgyu agreed that their little argument was petty and dumb and they never talked about it again.

“Hey, hyung?” Kai sat in the sat in the seat across from Beomgyu, for once the library was pretty empty.

“What’s up?” Beomgyu looked up and smiled.

“We need to join a club, my friend Soobin from my engineering class is the leader of the dance club and they’re pretty scarce for members, would you wanna join?”

“How scarce is scarce?”

“Including Soobin two people..” Kai shook his head.

“Damn that is scarce. Sure I guess. It’ll be like middle school.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“Thank you! Can I ask one my favour?” Kai smiled.

“What?”

“Can you ask Taehyun?”

“Why don’t you want to?”

“I figured it would clear the air a little between you two, it’ll put Tae’s mine to rest of he knows your doing something new, right?”

“I guess. Thanks Kai.” Beomgyu smiled.

“No problem, hyung, I just want to see you two forget whatever that disagreement was.”

“Me too.”

—————————

Beomgyu sighed as he knocked on Taehyun’s door, he didn’t even know why he did that, usually he’s just barge in.

When the door opened he was greeted with her haired Taehyun and he couldn’t help but smile.

“Did I wake sleeping beauty up?” He sniggered.

“Sorry, what was that? I can’t hear you over my tallness.” Taehyun smiled.

Beomgyu rolled his eyes and walked into the room, face planting the younger’s bed.

“You wanna join the dance club?”

“That came out of nowhere.”

“Well Kai keeps saying it’s good for us to do something that isn’t sitting on our asses, and he told me about the dance club earlier so I thought why not.” Beomgyu shrugged as he rolled over looking up at Taehyun, “they need the members anyway.”

“There can’t be a shortage of members can there?”

“There’s two plus Kai, and hopefully me and you?” Beomgyu smiled shyly and held out his arms, Taehyun happily put his arms around him.

“My dear Gyu, are you asking me to join a club with you? The audacity! How preposterous!”

“I’m guessing that’s a yes?”

“Of course.”

——————————

Beomgyu rested his head on the cafe table, he hated group projects, he wouldn’t have minded since Serim was in his class but the professor decided to pair him with some loud kid called Ravn. 

The thing with groups projects for subjects like geography or science is your finding random facts and piling them together with each other, you didn’t really have to talk much.

The problem with literature group projects is the fact that for joint writing you have to share a piece of yourself with the other person for it to work, as anyone could guess he despised doing that. And just to make it worse Soobin wanted to meet up at the cafe were Yeonjun had kissed him, sure it was the only good cafe in this town but still, why couldn’t he pick a sewer or something, stupid Soobin and his normalness. He’d probably have to get used to it though if he was going to join his club.

“Hi, Beomgyu right?” A black haired guy tapped his shoulder.

The thing was he didn’t even have to ask if it was Soobin because everyone knows him, even before he knew about him knowing Kai he knew who he was, he’s loud and admittedly funny in a sarcastic way.

“Yeh. Hi.” Beomgyu gave him a small smile and pointed to the seat in front of him.

They sat and studied each other for a couple of minutes, neither saying anything, Beomgyu couldn’t believe someone so loud could be so quiet, he didn’t know wether he should enjoy it or worry.”

“So... what kind of stuff do you write?” Soobin put on a wide grin as he leaned across the table.

“Just.. stuff, what about you?” Beomgyu shrugged, this wasn’t exactly off to a good start.

“Anything but romance, I love the idea and all but not everything in life has to be about finding someone to be in a relationship with, I know we spend most our lives with our partners but no one ever really writes epic adventures with friendship or unsolvable crimes!” Ravn made some hand gestures as he spoke, Beomgyu found it somewhat endearing.

“Yeh I see what you mean there, I don’t mind romance but sometimes I wish they were more realistic instead of being like ‘oh I made eye contact with you on the side walk and now we’re going to get married’, like seriously if I thought like that I’d be dating most people within a three mile radius. I’ve read some pretty good crime books though, that’s most of what there is at the school library.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“Finally someone that understands! My best friend is a sucker for romance and sometimes I really want to slap it out of him.” Soobin groaned, “I’ve never actually been to the school library.”

“You’re a fake student, how dare you.”

Soobin laughed, “What’s in your cup by the way?”

“Cola.” Beomgyu blushed, “ I didn’t wanna look weird drinking it since no one else was so I asked for a cup.”

Soobin smiled, “you are amazing, I on the other hand am boring, I ordered coffee.”

“I hate you for being the normal one here.” Beomgyu crossed his arms.

“Sorry, next time I’ll come in with a jumbo sized travel mug full of milk, sound good?” Soobin said I’m his lost sarcastic voice.

“Maybe wear a gigantic neon coloured hat, and maybe a dress suit, just to complete the look?” Beomgyu rolled his eyes back at Soobin.

“You’re easy to please.” Soobin smiles.

“It’s what makes me so loveable, I’m like a bear.”

“What kind of bear?”

“Grizzly, they’re the best kind.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beomgyu has a busy head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope whoever reading has a good day <3

Beomgyu hadn’t actually been to the university’s gym yet, let some the dance studio, he guessed to any fitness guru would find it extraordinary, he though it looked like a bunch of torture rooms to him he had to admit it was really something. 

He’d only been there two minutes but his favourite thing in this university besides it’s cool trees near the entrance that were a mix of those pretty pink ones with the non-flower flowers and those dusty yellow ones, (basically he doesn’t know anything about them but they look pretty). 

The room was fairly big, bigger than the one in their highschool that struggled to fit eight people standing in a row, granted this had table tennis tables in the corner so it was used for other things so it had to be bigger, but it was a welcomed change.

He played with his hoodie sleeves as he sat on the bench, no one was here yet, Kai was on his way and Taehyun got held back by his professor, he didn’t want to text Soobin because it wasn’t exactly urgent and he didn’t know who Soobin’s friend was so he wasn’t holding his breath for that guy being his saviour.

Truthfully, he doubted he was a good dancer anymore, back in middle school he’ll admit he was pretty good, all of them were, but aside from the occasional just dance for a laugh none of them had danced in a long time, and the three of them doing what does the fox say was really a sight to never be shown to any living thing, of any bugs or birds had been present during that he felt immense sympathy for them. 

He pulled out his phone and brought up Kai’s contact, it had been about five minutes and no one had shown up, was he lost? Or was he just weird for being on time? He tapped his phone against his cheek absentmindedly, he wanted to get a head-start but if someone walked in he would genuinely die on the spot.

“Hey, Beomgyu!” Soobin smiled as he flung the door open, it hit off the wall and made the worst sound but he didn’t seem to notice nor care.

“Hi, Soobin.” Beomgyu smiled, “my friends should be here soon, Kai’s on his way and Taehyun’s Professor asked him to stay behind.”

“That’s fine, I was late anyway so I can’t exactly be mad can I? Besides Yeonjun is taking his sweet time getting here, he swore he’d be on time this week too.”

Beomgyu side eyed Soobin, “Yeonjun? He doesn’t look like sonic the hedgehog does he..?”

“That’s the perfect way to describe him actually, I prefer to call him knock off avatar but yours is better.” Soobin smiled, “why? Do you know him?”

“You could say that, I’ve seen him around a couple of times.” Beomgyu shrugged. This was just his luck, even his lucky hoodie cant stop the universe from slapping him in the face, the universe really was a bitch. What were the chances that Soobin and Yeonjun were best friends? He should have asked Soobin back at the cafe who his friend was, he should’ve known this would happen, he’s on an unlucky streak and Yeonjun won’t stop popping up in his life. He’s texted Beomgyu every morning but he’s just too ashamed to reply, would it be weird if he just vanished out of there? He was sure Soobin wouldn’t mind. 

“Hey, Gyu! Sorry I’m late.” Taehyun ran in and gave Beomgyu a quick hug before turning to Soobin, “I haven’t met you yet! Hello, I’m sure you’ve heard great things about me, or nothing at all.” Taehyun smiled and held his hand up for a high five which Soobin happily hit.

Beomgyu had always envied Taehyun for being able to talk to people so easily, Taehyun could befriend someone he sits besides on the bus and by the end of the journey they could be close enough for Taehyun to invite them to Christmas dinner if it wasn’t for his responsible parents. It was a wonder Kai or Taehyun bothered with Beomgyu, but especially Taehyun, Kai and Beomgyu were content with staying inside with just each other, Taehyun enjoyed doing that but he loved meeting new people, even if he’d never see them again he found so much joy in it, Kai was pretty neutral about socialising like most normal people, Beomgyu was obviously not. That’s were he fell short the most. He wasn’t outgoing or comedic, at times he was the opposite of his best friends and sometimes that felt like someone had took a hammer to his heart, he felt bruised and a little broken when he thought about it. He had always been the sensitive one too, the others weren’t much better but Beomgyu was definitely the most emotional, whenever he was sad Kai always said better days would arrive if he let them in, he liked to believe it was true, but sometimes he doubted that. 

Never even once before these past couple of weeks had he questioned their friendship, as a little kid he worried but it was easier back then, as they grew older sure it got harder but he had never once doubted if they’d last, he desperately wanted them to, but he couldn’t help but believe that maybe, just maybe, he’d have to face the heartbreak of them moving on. He knows at times he shouldn’t think like that, they were meant to be forever, but he couldn’t drop the feeling that one day, one crummy day they’ll have had enough of him and it will all be over.

Kai was pulled out of his thoughts when Kai sat beside him, “Hiya, hyung.” Kai smiled as he put his shoulder on the olders shoulder, the two of them watching Soobin and Taehyun scream while playing Rock Paper Scissors to decide what song to do.

“Hey Kai, you starting to feel like we’ve just entered a mad house?”

“It’s no different from being at home though, is it?” Kai laughed and Beomgyu’s heart warmed. */Home/.*

The two kept in front of Beomgyu and Kai continued yelling at each other, Taehyun won but Soobin argues he’s the leader, neither of the other two could find it in their hearts to take sides because both of them did have a point.

“Hey, Soobin, sorry I’m so late I had a problem with one of my essays.” Yeonjun strolled into the room completely oblivious to the others in it.

“It’s fine, Hyung. You maybe wanna introduce yourself though? Honestly who raised you.” Soobin shook his head, smiling despite himself.

“You did.” Yeonjun seemed proud as Soobin muttered ‘lame response’ under his breath.

“Hi, I’m Choi Yeonjun.” He smiled and turned to wave at everyone, his eyes lingered on Beomgyu as Soobin stood up.

“We’re doing a BTS song if that’s okay with everyone. Taehyun one more word and I will choke you.” Soobin pointed his finger at Taehyun accusingly.

“Kinky.” Yeonjun smirked as everyone snickered, even Soobin.

“You’re going to make them uncomfortable.” Soobin shook his head.

“Would you rather I talked about how humans are grapes?” 

“How?” Kai shook his head at the oldest.

“Well we have best before dates don’t we?” Yeonjun shrugged.

“I love you.” Taehyun held his hand to his heart.

“You’d proclaim your love to a rock.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“Your the guy from the cafe aren’t you?” Kai smiled as he side eyed Beomgyu.

Yeonjun opened his mouth just as Soobin put a hand over it, “let’s not go there. Song ideas anyone? I’d love for us to muck about but if a professor walks in again I’m going to be in big trouble.” Soobin sighed.

Beomgyu couldn’t help but feel a little embarrassed as he stood up with Kai, there was no way Soobin knew about that right? Yeonjun wouldn’t tell his best friend he did something like that would he? He thought about it for a minute, maybe he would actually, thinking about how much he knew about him, which was little, he guessed yes he would.

“What about something like run?” Beomgyu and Taehyun gave eachother a smile.

“That’s not bad actually.” Soobin smiled.

“It’s Taehyun’s favourite.” Beomgyu laughed as Taehyun smacked him over the head.

“Then why did you just argue with me?” Soobin ribbed his temples as Yeonjun laughed at him.

“He swore in high school he’d never listen to them and he loved them when he did, he doesn’t like being wrong too much.” Kai smiled.

“Lets get started.” Yeonjun smiled and walked away to plug his phone in.

Taehyun pulled Beomgyu to the floor as they started stretching together.

“You guys dance often?” Soobin asked as he mimicked them bringing Kai down with him.

“We danced in middle school.” Kai smiled at the older as they started.

“We were so bad back then, remember when we tried to do that dance the math teacher made up?” Taehyun giggled.

“The dance itself wasn’t even bad, I felt so bad for her.” Beomgyu shook his head.

“To be fair she wasn’t qualified to teach us in our defence.” Kai laughed.

“How does a math teacher even come up with a dance?” Yeonjun tilted his head as he started stretching.

Beomgyu couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable with the older beside him, Yeonjun looked at him liked he wanted to say something, he was glad Soobin stopped the topic from coming up, he supposed the real reason he was uncomfortable was because his best friends were here and they didn’t know about his and sonic the hedgehogs little hangout. This was too complicated for his young brain. He loved his friends, yes. Soobin was nice to be around, yes. Yeonjun did originally concern him but does he like being around him, yes. So he didn’t understand why he stomach was trying to twist itself into a sailor knot that would make real sailors jealous, he never usually understood why the feeling was there but now he well and truly felt confused. He didn’t want to feel this uneasy and honestly he shouldn’t, no one else in the room seemed bothered, namely his two best friends, as much as they liked to tease him they were acting so normal, was normality really making him uncomfortable now? Dammit Beomgyu.

“Okay, does anyone actually know the dance by heart?” Yeonjun looked around the others

Beomgyu saw Kai and Taehyun share a smirk and both looked at Beomgyu. He hoped his eyes looked like they were begging enough since he didn’t want to look like a crazy person in front of the other two semi normal people or prowling professors.

“Beomgyu actually learned it.” Kai stretched his arms above his head.

“So did you two.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“Yes, but you are best to teach it considering I asked you to learn it so you could teach me.” Taehyun smiled.

“I thought you guys haven’t danced since middle school?” Soobin tilted his head.

“Kai’s bedroom suffered.” Taehyun shrugged.

“So will you teach us then?” Soobin butt shuffled over to Beomgyu. 

“No. It isn’t hard just watch it a few times.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“Aw c’mon Gyu, there’s barely anyone here you can’t be embarrassed!” Taehyun huffed.

He knew he was making a bigger deal out of it then it actually was but he hated the attention being on him, even if it was just one stranger, being in a group of people with attention on him was like his biggest nightmare, he would literally rather die. He didn’t want to look like a drama queen but he really didn’t want to do it. Now he understood why he felt uneasy earlier. Kai and Taehyun are little turds.

In the five seconds he got lost in his thoughts Yeonjun had migrated to in front of his face, Beomgyu wouldn’t have noticed if it wasn’t for the bright dark blue hair, it was pretty like the night sky but Beomgyu would never stop talking about it like he was judging it, or thinking about it rather. Yeonjun was astoundingly pretty, he already knew that but it was like every time Beomgyu was near him it felt like he rediscovered it and got more astounded each time. 

Yeonjun smiled and Beomgyu could already feel like embarrassment coming, “what if we make it quick, cutie?” Beomgyu actually wanted to throw him out the window, he hoped he didn’t know not to fly. 

“Okay you.” Soobin pulled Yeonjun away, “let’s get started.” 

Beomgyu couldn’t help but love Soobin for his abruptness and clear second hand embarrassment of his friend.

Kai smirked “You never-“ “Shut up.” Beomgyu huffed and stood up. 

“I’m leaving in half an hour so let’s just get this over and done with.” Beomgyu sighed and walked in front of everyone, facing the mirror.

—————————

With each passing moment Beomgyu felt like crying, Beomgyu was going over the first half of the song one more time before they tried it with the music and Taehyun kept giving him these looks in the mirror, in fact all of them seemed to be giving him some sort of look. Taehyun was looking somewhat disappointed, probably because Beomgyu was acting so nervous but he really couldn’t help it, being Yeonjun felt so astoundingly weird today and he didn’t completely understand why. Kai has a similar look, maybe with a little bit of pity in there, probably because Kai would act the same in his situation. Soobin was giving him a thankful look mixed with pity, Soobin seemed to babysitting Yeonjun today, Beomgyu had to say it didn’t feel like something that happened regularly considering how awkward Soobin seemed to act about it. Yeonjun was just smiling, he seemed genuinely interested in learning the dance but Beomgyu felt so uncomfortable. 

Probably because it was a bad day, everything felt suffocating and uncomfortable no matter how small it was. His mind felt so messy, he should be having fun and not be so bothered, was it because of how nonchalant everyone else was acting, it was bothering him. Why were Kai and Taehyun looking at him like that? They knew he didn’t want to talk about Yeonjun after the cafe but they just gave him a look at that itself annoyed him. It Yeonjun wasn’t always like this then why was he always like that around Beomgyu? Soobin seemed to be the only one acting normal, even that bothered him, couldn’t he provide him with a reason for Yeonjun’s behaviour? His mind was so scrambled and it hurt, the more he didn’t understand that more frustrating it got, he just wanted to go home and cry. Why was it so difficult today? It felt like it was coming completely out of nowhere. 

He knew he was overthinking it, to everyone else Yeonjun was just being flirty which is normal for people their age, anyone else would laugh at being called ‘cutie’ and carry on not even thinking about it, anyone else would laugh if their friends annoyed them about it. But he just couldn’t stop, he was permanently stuck in this maze and he just kept going around the same path over and over and over and he was so sick and tired of it. He wanted to be normal so badly, to not worry about it like everyone else, everyone else in this room seems so unbothered and happy and Beomgyu wanted to throw something, break something, scream, just needing something to get his frustration out. He always made a big deal out of nothing, his mom always told him that and no matter how many times he tried to not do that he ended up even deeper into his overthinking pit.

“Okay, you guys do it and I’ll watch. Yeonjun hyung can you unlock your phone?” 

“Of course, chief.” Yeonjun walked over with a small smile and Beomgyu couldn’t help but roll his eyes. 

“Thanks.” Beomgyu got the song up and looked up at the others, “am I okay to start it?” He received nods instead of incoherent screaming which actually surprised him, he supposed this was the most exercise his friends had done in awhile, none of them were exactly fitness freaks. He started the song and sat in front of the mirror, they were fun to watch, he guessed it was because they actually looked like they were having fun and four concentrated smiles from literal suns was somewhat infectious.

They were all really talented, he already should have known and guessed that, Kai had always been a powerful dancer once he knew what he was doing, Taehyun was pretty much the same, maybe a little softer with how he moved, when they danced Kai and Taehyun kind of switched personalities, even if they were doing the same thing it was eye catching to Beomgyu how they delivered it differently. He hadn’t seen Soobin and Yeonjun dance long enough to have a solid idea of what they were like but unlike his friends it seemed to match their personalities, Soobin with his quiet confidence and Yeonjun with his boldness. He wondered what everyone would be like free styling nowadays, that’s something he really wanted to see.

He clapped as the song came to an end, “awesome!” he smiled.

“Will you do it with us now, hyung?” Kai pulled Beomgyu to his feet.

“If I have to.” Beomgyu sighed.

“Then we’ll call it a day, yeah?” Yeonjun yawned and started fixing bits of Soobin’s hair.

Everyone stretched before starting again, Yeonjun clicking play before running into place.

Taehyun cheered when the song finished, “I feel young again!”

“You say that like you don’t act like a four year old.” Beomgyu sighed.

“Hey some of us in the room are actually old.” Yeonjun pretended to sniffle, Soobin elbowing him looking unimpressed.

“Can we meet again tomorrow?” Kai looked at Soobin hopefully.

“Sure. I’ll get your numbers so we can workout when everyone has their classes.” Soobin pulled out his phone, “You two, my number is xxxxx-xxxx, give me a text when you’ve got it.”

Once everyone was satisfied Soobin locked up. “Bye I guess, I’ll make a group chat later.” He waved and started walking away.

“Bye, hyungs!” The youngest three called, Yeonjun tapped Beomgyu on the shoulder, “can I talk to you?”

Kai and Taehyun looked like proud parents as Kai pulled Taehyun along. “We’ll meet you at home, take your time Gyu!” Taehyun called over his shoulder.

“I guess I have no choice now.” Beomgyu huffed. “What’s up?”

“Why are you acting cold again? You never messaged me back, you weren’t drunk enough to forget us hanging out right?” Yeonjun tilted his head as he spoke.

Beomgyu sighed “I was drunk, I’m not normally that nice. I didn’t message you back because what the hell am I meant to say?”

“You had fun, right?” Yeonjun frowned.

Beomgyu couldn’t help but feel a little bad, Yeonjun actually seemed a little upset, he didn’t realise that was possible. “I’ll admit I did, what do you want from me exactly?”

“Look I know I made it weird at the cafe, but I really want us to be friends.” Yeonjun kicked around the concrete stuffing his hands in his pockets. “I know I shouldn’t have done that, I’m sorry. But I seriously want to be friends, you’re cool, y’know?”

“Yeah, most people don’t do that to someone they’ve met once for ten minutes, just a little fact for you.” Beomgyu sighed and played with his sleeves, he couldn’t believe Yeonjun was acting nervous right now, “But sure, I guess, it’ll make things easier. If I worry about this anymore I’ll be grey by next month.”

“You’ve been worried about it?” Yeonjun looked up from the ground, he seemed interested.

“Yes, I’m just a worrier.” Beomgyu shrugged moving from one foot to the other.

“Aw, I’m sorry, cutie. I’ll make it up to you, yeah?” 

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “sure. As much as I would love to continue whatever this is I can already smell the fire that’s about to be made at our apartment if I leave them alone any longer.”

Yeonjun smiled softly, “Kai seems responsible too.”

“He is until it comes to Taehyun’s crazy cooking ideas.”

“Then you’re the responsible one?”

“God no, I probably make it worse, but I’m the only one that knows not to pour water on an electric fire.”

Yeonjun laughed, “well good luck, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, bye?” Beomgyu smiled as he walked away, Yeonjun only started walking away when Beomgyu turned the corner.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weird filler because it needs to be here but I don’t know how to do it well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Criticism is always appreciated! Have a good day <3

Beomgyu, in reality, was a hopeless romantic.

If you told that to Taehyun or Kai they would laugh like hyenas, because there is no way Choi Beomgyu who childishly gags at kissing scenes during movie nights, Choi Beomgyu who didn’t come in for a week in high school because someone confessed to him and he “didn’t know what he was meant to do with that”, Choi Beomgyu who, on the rare occasion developed a crush, would call it “dodo brain fever” and read break up books only because he believed that true love was real, but he knew that he would never find it, he was in that rare category of people who would never find anyone, he knew that. 

There were a few reasons for that, the main being that the moment he realised he was gay he felt differently about himself, Kai and Taehyun had known for a lot longer than him, although Taehyun always said Beomgyu always knew, he only chose to acknowledge when he felt he could entertain the idea, rather than banish it to the dark depths of his mind. The second being his anxiety, he didn’t know what to do with that kind of love, he used to be so stiff with Taehyun and Kai in their early teen years, and they kept by him and showed him it was okay to love your friends openly. The couple of times he had got confessions he felt so much fear, these people didn’t know him like Taehyun and Kai, they wouldn’t want to put up with Beomgyu figuring out how to love, they were young, they were meant to live without really thinking.

He knew deep down it was his parents divorce was the reason he felt like this, as a young child he witnessed their arguments, even Taehyun and Kai had on rare occasion, but the divorce and everything with it was messy. His mom didn’t ska it well, and seeing her so broken and sad made him scared too.

The problem with dating was he never really knew if they were messing with him, if it was just a stupid prank or a way to spread rumours, I’m reality he knew most people in his school would never do that, he still worried though.

He wished he had as much courage as Taehyun and Kai, Kai may be a little shy but he’s still outgoing and trusting and looking for fun, Taehyun was fairly confident and funny so everyone knew him.

He always wondered what people thought when they saw him with his best friends, unless you knew him you would think the trio wouldn’t think it was a good match, but Beomgyu was just as funny and weird as his friends, he just struggled to show it around other people. 

He blames his love for writing for his reason for being a hopeless romantic, though they weren’t his favourites, his absolute favourites were ones about finding yourself in your friends, his favourite book was about that very thing, obviously, but he can’t name a single book he’s read that hasn’t had a relationship in it, mix that with his friends on occasion day dreams and it was bound to happen to him too. That’s his deepest shame and he says it with his whole chest.

The first time he saw Yeonjun at the park he admits that after he wondered if he was a serial killer, he thought he was kinda cute, he obviously expected Yeonjun to either keep on walking or try and kill him, not sit down and start talking to him. Yeonjun had a cute voice too, and that enormous hoodie made him look cuddly, but Beomgyu was stubborn and would never admit any of that. Yeonjun acted confident and that kinda pissed Beomgyu off, especially when he acted like they knew each other, Yeonjun gave Beomgyu a whole new way of meeting people to hate.

Since that first time they met he had since different side of him though, he hated to admit that he had kinda grown attached to him, but at the same time he was so very pissed off. Yeonjun was just too cocky and shameless, even those monkeys with the red butts were more humble than him. But at the same time that made Beomgyu like Yeonjun even more, he was spontaneous, he made him excited at the least expected of times. 

Usually Beomgyu liked people like him, quiet and introverted, this was the first time someone like this had ever caught his eye.

—————————

When Beomgyu got home he knew Taehyun and Kai would literally stick their hands down his throat to try and fish the answers out of him, he literally had a headache already.

He opens the door with a sigh, if theres a god out there he hopes their on his side because he’s way too embarrassed about it.

“Gyu! Sonic the hedgehog! How was your talk? Did you kiss? Are you dating? Did you dump him?” 

The moment Beomgyu walked through the door Taehyun was in his face waving his arms up and down like he was trying his hardest to fly, Beomgyu held in a laugh and wished just for once he would fly away.

“Yes I totally banged a 2D cartoon character, thanks for your support!” Beomgyu gave Gaehyun a tight smile and Kai laughed.

“Was he good?” Kai quirked am eyebrow.

“You wouldn’t believe it.” Beomgyu smirked as Taehyun started gagging.

“I’m getting a visual of this, please stop” Taehyun groaned.

“Wait, hold on, who’s on top in this imaginary scenario of yours?” Beomgyu bit his lip as Kai let out his loud dolphin laugh, Taehyun smacked him over the head.

“That hurt!” Beomgyu rubbed his arm frowning.

“Shut up. Now answer my questions. How was your super mini date with Yeonjun hyung?” 

“I hope you know every second I look at you I hate you even more.”

“How much did you love Tae hyung before this then?”

“Kai go to fucking bed please.”

“You don’t need to tell me twice.” Kai shrugged opening his door again.

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, he made his way to the kitchen, Taehyun following him like an eager puppy.

“Please talk to me about this, Gyu, you never get this close to dating someone and I wanna know he’s not a douche!” Taehyun took the kettle from Beomgyu’s hand to pour it into his tea.

“Oh yes, the guy who kissed me after we met once is obviously an angel from the purest part of heaven, isn’t he?”

“You kissed back though.” Taehyun laughed as Beomgyu coughed into his coffee.

“I did not!” 

“You did though, you wouldn’t be going so red if you didn’t.” Taehyun smirked.

“Why were you even looking? What the fuck Taehyun!” Beomgyu hit his free arm. “Look at me like that and that tea will be finding its new home down your fucking shirt.”

“I’m just telling the- okay okay I’ll stop I’ll stop!” Taehyun held his mug up above his head when Beomgyu reaches for it, raising his other one, “I surrender, but seriously, talk to me.”

“There’s nothing to say.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes, leaning against the counter.

“There is a lot to say! Soobin told Kai Yeonjun took you home when you were drunk? You never told us that! What kind of best friend doesn’t tell us that!”

“Soobin can’t talk about stuff that doesn’t concern him.”

“Stop avoiding the question. Forget Blue’s Clue’s dog for a minute. We need to talk about this.”

“Talk about what exactly?” Beomgyu huffed and crossed his arms.

“How since senior year you have completely closed yourself off from us! We weren’t originally going to say anything, we thought maybe it was just a rough patch for you since you were hitting the anniversary of your dad leaving but this has gone on too long. Do you not trust us? Do you think we’re bad friends? We’ve tried to be quiet and understand, Gyu, we really have but you’re not even telling us the littlest things anymore, if I ask you what you had for breakfast yesterday you’ll probably find a way to not tell me and it’s doing my fucking head in!” Taehyun pinched the bridge of his nose as he talked, shaking his head.

“We has breakfast together yesterday.” 

“See, there you go again, what is the problem Beomgyu, seriously?”

“It’s none of your business.” Beomgyu shrugged looking at the floor.

“Excuse me? None of my business? You’re my best friend! My soulmate! My family! But what you get up to and what you’re feeling is none of my business? Thats bullshit.” Taehyun chewed the side of his cheek, shaking his head again.

“Why does it matter? This wasn’t a problem before.” 

“Why are you so secretive? Seriously if you’re working for a secret ninja society all you have to do is say that and we won’t ask any questions! But we both know you’re too clumsy for that kinda job so it’s not that, so for the love of god, tell me what’s been up with you.”

Beomgyu looked up to meet Taehyun’s eyes, they were full of irritation and sadness, he felt a wave of guilt wash over him, he always has to over complicate everything didn’t he? Good old Beomgyu and his high brick walls and his cold attitude and resting sad face. But what could he do about it? He was secretive and scared, it’s what he has always been, truthfully he thought they would never confront him about it, he was unlucky though so he should have prepared for this.

He didn’t understand how it was so easy to tell Serim, maybe because he barely knew the guy and granted he loved him, but he hadn’t been in his life long enough for him to have a broken heart over him judging him. 

Loneliness was something he always felt. When his dad left? Pure loneliness and hurt, one of the people who was meant to love and care for him up and gone, it wouldn’t have been so bad if he busted like other divorced parents, but he completely disappeared into thin air, that left a big hole in his little heart. When he first started to feel his anxiety sneak it’s way into his stomach? Unfiltered loneliness and sadness, he just wanted to be like everyone else, be fun and outgoing, not be afraid of asking for a ticket on the bus or being petrified of someone sitting in his seat for a class. When they were all 16 and Taehyun asked him why he left Geography so suddenly? Authentic loneliness and guilt, how could he tell one of his best friends that he was a freak, that he was so, so afraid they’d get tired and leave him, that if he told him this aloud he would realise that they were too good for him. On bad days when they’re all chilling together watching some show? Just loneliness, because on bad days he can’t tell them he wants to sleep his life away, or that he has no appetite, or that he wants someone to hug him and tell him it’ll be okay even if it wouldn’t be. Beomgyu was a skilled, lonely, scared liar.

“What do you want me to say?” Beomgyu asked quietly, looking down at the floor.

Taehyun’s eyes softened, “Just tell me the truth, you know I’d never judge you right? You lived through me ‘excuse me but I must defecate’ during middle school, you can’t possibly have anything more embarrassing.”

Beomgyu felt like he was literally suffocating, he wasn’t being cornered but it felt like he was, like he was being accused of something, like he was about to be found out, so he did the first thing he could think of.

“Oh no, Serim just text he has an emergency I better go help him out, bye Taehyunie!” Beomgyu flashed him a quick smile as he ran out the door. Taehyun let out a quiet ‘huh?’

—————

In hindsight this wasn’t his smartest plan, he shot Serim a text as soon as he got out the door and shoved him phone back in his pocket, he hoped Serim would be fine with this. Now he’d given himself two things to worry about. Probably more somehow.

/Taehyun’s going to hate you. He’s going to realise you’re not normal, he’ll judge you and he’ll yell at you and he’ll never talk to you again./

/Kai’s going to be so disappointed. He’s going to realise you’re not fun or responsible. He going to think you’re crazy./

Beomgyu knew in reality his two best friends were the sweetest people on this earth. If he killed someone they’d help hide the body, he knew that, he knew it in the deepest, darkest corners of his heart, but he just couldn’t believe it. Believing and knowing are two very different things no matter what people say.

If there was a story about a life like his he would never put it down, if he could see every outcome to his dumb decisions so he could pick the best one, he’d do it in a heartbeat, he hates not knowing, he hates always being scared, but there’s no story to look to for guidance, he has to write his own, he has to live with the consequences, and it fucking sucks.

He eventually reaches the door to Serim’s apartment, he bit his lip and knocked the door, he could feel the anxiety rise in his throat, it made him shiver. He hoped Serim got his message, he prayed his roommate wasn’t in.

It wasn’t even five seconds before the door swung open and Serim flung himself onto Beomgyu. “Gyu, who died? Who’s dying? It’s not you is it?”

Beomgyu couldn’t help but laugh as he wrapped his arms around the older, “no ones dying. Are you in your pajamas right now?”

Serim detached himself and pulled Beomgyu in, shutting the door behind him. “Of course I am you idiot. What’s up then? I thought Dracula had to stay inside to recharge his batteries?”

Beomgyu fiddled with his sleeve as he sat on Serim’s sofa, “I messed up.”

Serim sat beside him and ruffled his hair, “I’m sure you didn’t. What happened?”

Beomgyu sighed, “Taehyun started asking me about Yeonjun since he talked to me after dance practice today and I didn’t want to answer, he went on about how I’m so secretive nowadays and he’s right and he asked me why I never talk to them and I didn’t want to answer so I said you had an emergency and just left as fast as I could. It was so fucking dumb, I’m so fucking dumb, but I just got so worried he’s find out.”

Serim flung an arm around his shoulder, “why won’t you just tell them?”

“Because what if they think I’m a freak? Or they hate me? I can’t handle that.” Beomgyu pulled at his hoodie strings.

“You know that wouldn’t happen.”

“I wish my life was like a story y’know. People love characters even if they’re flawed.”

“That’s because we see everything without any details left out.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“Think about love Simon for example, he does a lot wrong, he throws his friends under the bus because he’s afraid, but we see why, we see exactly what he goes through and we agree we would probably do the same, but if he was to tell the story himself he’d miss out aot of the emotion so we wouldn’t feel the same.”

“He’s too nice. Think of a villain and I’ll believe you.”

“Okay what about Mailificent, she’s lovely at the start when she hasn’t seen any bad but she turns into a bitch to everyone because in person hurt her, but we see her change because she realises she can’t judge aot of people because of one person and she has to learn to let people in, if she told that herself she wouldn’t get any sympathy because she’d leave out a lot of the emotion.”

“What’s your point?”

“People love characters because we see everything and they can’t deny what we’ve seen, we like that there’s no lies or details missed out. My parents were mega pissed I never told them about my boyfriend of that I was crushed when we broke up because I was moving too fast, my dad threatened to kick me out, but I told him all my emotion, I told him I was afraid my boyfriend would realise he’s too good for me, so I wanted him to live me as quick as possible, and my dad understood because I admitted the flaws, I didn’t sugar coat anything, I told the story as anyone watching it if they could watch it would see it. We tend to leave the important emotion of of explanations and apologies, that’s where we always mess up. Sometimes we don’t say what we feel, not because we don’t want to, but because we don’t know how to. People say it’s the fear of the unknown, of not knowing what the reaction will be, in reality it’s just the ear of your problems being known.” Serim started running a hand through Beomgyu’s hair absentmindedly as he talked.

“Have you ever considered being a therapist? I’m sure an engaging degree is just as good as whatever they need.” Beomgyu smiled.

“Probably. We have to analyse people down to nothing, we’re probably better than therapists.” Serim laughed. “You see my point though right?”

Beomgyu shrugged, “eventually I did. I know you’re right but I don’t know what to do about it, I’ve ran away from this for too long.”

“What would you do if Kai told you he had a mental illness?” 

“We’re not doing this.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“Oh we are. What would you do?”

“You know what I would do.”

“Why won’t you tell me?” Serim tilted his head.

“I don’t get why I have to.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“Or maybe it’s because you have some really bad emotional constipation? Can I give you some sort of laxative for that? Will watching soldiers returning home to their dogs do the trick?” Serim smiled when Beomgyu elbowed him.

“What the fuck is ‘emotional constipation’?” Beomgyu shook his head but could help but smile.

“Like conscription but with emotion?” Serim answered like it was obvious, “but if you push hard enough it’ll come out and you’ll feel better.”

“That is such a lit student thing to say.” Beomgyu laughed.

“I’m not wrong though! So videos of dogs seeing their owners again?”

Beomgyu fanned his eyes, “I’m tearing up already.”


	9. Don’t Shoot The Messenger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super shirt chapter cause I didn’t know what to put after that 

Beomgyu ended up staying at Serim’s longer than he should have, what was meant to be a quick pop over turned into Serim giving him some of the best life advice which then turned into a cuddle party which then developed into Serim’s roommate (Ravn, he has amazing hair) coming how and declaring a Mario kart tournament, which then turned into ramen with them, which then turned into watching two episodes of Ravn and Serim’s favourite show, which lastly turned into Ravn giving him a ride home.

It’s funny how he keeps making friends in the most odd ways. Serim because Kai amd Taehyun tried you set them up, Yeonjun on a park bench, a cafe and a drunken walk and now Ravn, simply because he was in his flat when he got home. He doesn’t quite understand how it keeps happening but he’s enjoying it because he can’t other think it, but if he makes a new friend next by having to slay a dragon or go into some creepy woods he will draw the line.

He stared at the door in front of him, Taehyun and Kai has both messaged him a lot, like a lot a lot, somehow Kai more so than Taehyun, but he guessed it’s because Kai worried a lot.

He opened it quietly, sneaking in and making his way to the living room, he peeked his head into the room and saw Kai and Taehyun talking in hushed voices.

“I’m back?” Beomgyu stroller over to the kettle on flicked it on, hoping that the more natural he acted the less awkward this would be.

Neither Taehyun nor Kai moved, they both looked up at him, sharing a look.

“How was Serim? Is the ‘emergency’ finally taken care of?” Kai stood up, making his way to Beomgyu and leaning against the counter opposite him.

“Yeah, all good now.” Beomgyu gave him a small smile, eyes wandering.

“We text him y’know. How dumb do you think we are Gyu?” Taehyun put his legs up on the sofa and crossed his arms, shaking his head at the older.

“Never once said you were done. So I know how elaborate I need to make my lie, what did Serim say?” Beomgyu poured the water into his cup and began stirring.

“That you were freaking out so he tried to take your mind off things, he also said there’s something you should be telling us?” Kai spoke softly, making eye contact with Beomgyu.

Beomgyu looked at Kai then Taehyun, Taehyun didn’t even look angry, or irritated, he looked a little sad if anything, maybe a little lost.

“I was just trying to understand what was wrong, Beomgyu, you didn’t have to run away like that.” Taehyun sighed, tying a knot with his hoodie strings.

“It wasn’t like I had it planned.” Beomgyu muttered, holding his mug and looking straight into it.

“Can we not beat around the bush, please? Whatever’s wrong with you Serim seems to know, which is a little hurtful considering you’ve known him a month and us your whole life. I could maybe understand your hesitance before but telling someone you don’t know like family, really hyung?” Kai took the mug from Beomgyu’s hand and sat it down, shaking his head.

“Sometimes it’s easier to tell people who barely know you personal things.” Beomgyu shrugged, not knowing what to do with his hands now, he settled for drumming them against the side behind him.

“Why is that exactly?” Taehyun rolled his eyes, Beomgyu could tell he thought he was lying, he wasn’t even trying to hide it.

“You have less to lose if they hate you for it.” Beomgyu shrugged, eyes darting between the two before landing on the floor again.

“Just tell us whatever it is, please, you know we’re with you through think and thin, no matter what. We love you, you know that.” Taehyun sighed, changing his position to sit with his legs crossed.

Beomgyu sighed, he couldn’t get away from this again. How could he tell it without leaving details? How could he tell it while inputting every single emotion he felt. What Serim said made perfect sense, but it wasn’t exactly easy to do. He was a bit over his own head here, a little too far into the deep end.

“Okay..” Beomgyu took a deep breath before walking over and sitting beside Taehyun and bringing his knees up to his chest, Kai followed and did the same.

They both looked at him expectingly, Kai sighed, “For a literature student you sure are at a loss Fr words.”

Beomgyu let out a small laugh, “I’m about to word vomit.”

“Should we bring you to the bathroom?” Taehyun said in a deadpan voice making the others giggle.

“This feels way harder than it actually is.” Beomgyu sighed, putting his head back.

“Probably because it’s long overdue.” Taehyun shrugged, side eyeing him.

“Well you know how I’m kinda a bit weird sometimes? Like I never liked bringing shopping to the till in those shops were you have to talk to a cashier? And how sometimes I freak out a little when we’re silent for too long? Or that one time I fell over in the street and I wouldn’t washing them for like ten minutes and you guys thought I put my hand in sick or something?” Beomgyu didn’t exactly know where he was going with this or what he was even saying, this were usually the least of his worries but he had no clue where to start or how much he wanted to tell, sharing his emotions was something he’s never really done before, he prefers crying alone in his room at bight, overthinking in peace, rather than having his thoughts out in the open to be judged. The other two nodded along though, he was glad they provided him with proof that he was atkeast making sense in some weird way.

“Um, I don’t know, it’s like, I don’t know, you remember that time when I was off and you two got into trouble for trying to skip to come and see me and the teacher yelled at you a lot and called your parents and you guys said it was the worst experience ever, like close to sadness but it wasn’t and close to nerves but not quite?”

Two nods again, he took a moment to think again.

“It’s like that constantly? I’m not explaining this well god, um, I have an anxiety disorder? Like y’know the ones you read about in stories or see in your shows, the ones were they have panic attacks and obsess over little things? I’ve got that. It’s super dumb I know that’s why I didn’t want to say anything, I didn’t want you guys to hate me or I don’t know pity me or anything because it’s not a real issue, you know? Like I worry about things that don’t even matter or things that don’t exist, so it’s like really dumb. I just worry about meeting people and being all alone y’know? That’s why I’m not really social like you guys I’m just kind of afraid of, well I don’t know, being disliked? I know everyone’s afraid of being disliked so it’s dumb but I just can’t help it. And sometimes I just need a little time to recharge my batteries y’know? My ‘social battery’ because sometimes it gets a little too much and I don’t want to bore you guys by being quiet, because y’know, that’s boring. So yeah, um yeah?” 

His favourite saying was ‘Even the dark needs light to exist.’ So well known, it makes so much sense, it often brings comfort. But right now no wise words can stop what he’s feeling. No matter how many or how comforting. 

Beomgyu took a long breath, he left out so much, none of that was really an explanation was it? God he was so dumb. He began chewing on his bottom lip and he side eyed both of them.

Neither of them said anything for a few seconds, the silence took a large bite at Beomgyu’s heart.

He hated this mucky ghost in his life, his anxiety constantly haunted him, always there, no one could see it, but it made the largest mess. A mess he was left to clean up. Because if something is knocked off the counter and no one knows he did it the person closest gets blamed. 

They hated him now.

They were going to think he was weird, not even the good kind.

They were judging him.

He was going to be alone. 

Then Kai put his arms around Beomgyu and pushed his head onto his shoulder and began playing wish his hair, then Taehyun out his head on Beomgyu’s side and wrapped his arms around his waist.

A marvel movie started playing, they all sat through Doctor Strange saying nothing, the occasional laugh but no words for exchanged.

It felt like home again. The small bubbles of anxiety popped and he was left feeling okay. 

He knew later when he was lying in his bed he’d other think it, he knew he’d worry that their silence was judgement.

Kai and Taehyun needed some time to formulate the words they needed. They needed time to realise how they felt. They needed time to comfort themselves so they could comfort Beomgyu with their whole hearts. They needed time to discover that this was the reason certain things happened, they needed some times to realise this is the explanation that solves so many of their questions. They needed time to formulate new questions so they could understand better.

And Beomgyu was okay with that. He had waited eight years before he told them. He could wait a day or so.

He knew they were okay. Everything was okay.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3

Beomgyu sighed as he sat up, it was still dark outside, they had reached the middle of December, as usual Beomgyu was freezing his ass off, and all it took was the breeze of the front door opening to wake him. He loved winter. Hated the cold. Definitely not a match made in heaven.

Nobody should be awake, he rolled his eyes as he stood up and threw on a hoodie, throwing his blanket onto the bed again.

He shoved his hands in his pockets as he walked to the living room, he didn’t expect a burglar or anything, any smart burglar wouldn’t make this much noise or be so careless. But he didn’t expect to see Taehyun fully dressed with damp hair either.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you.” Taehyun whispered as he sat the bag on the counter.

“Don’t worry about it. What are you doing up at the crack of dawn though?” Beomgyu raises an eyebrow as he sat on the sofa, stealing whatever blankets were previously scattered there.

“It’s 7am, not the crack of dawn.” Taehyun shrugged, fidgeting with the bag handle.

“Yeah for you that’s like 1am, you’re not exactly an early bird, you’re more like a hibernating bear.” Beomgyu smiled up at him.

“I did fall asleep but I woke up and realised I still hadn’t finished the essay that’s meant to be done for today.” Taehyun shrugged, looking back inside the bag.

“The one that you got warned about two weeks ago?” Beomgyu shook his head.

“Yeah, that one. I kinda got caught up on if we were okay or not and somehow trying to find ways to get answers out of you is harder than an essay so it kinda occupied my mind.” Taehyun took the milk out and finally put it in the fridge, sighing.

“Oh.. I’m sorry. You knew that essay was important though, you should have finished it before anything else. Did you get it done okay?” 

“Don’t be. Yeah, it was mostly finished, just needed to do the last part. You sound like my mom y’know?” Taehyun smiled.

“That’s good. You’re moms like, the best, so I’ll take that as a compliment, thanks.” Beomgyu yawned again, “come sit over here.”

Taehyun stood for a second before taking the bag and sitting down beside him, discarding it to the floor. “I’m sorry.”

“Why?” Beomgyu side eyed him as he handed him the remote.

“I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know what to say, or what to do about it, I was just tired of not knowing.” Taehyun shrugged.

“Don’t be, I guess it did get worse since we all moved, didn’t it? Kinda became a hermit for awhile.” He gave Taehyun a small smile.

Taehyun nodded and reached into the bag, he handed Beomgyu a container of pills. “I thought I should grab these, just in case, nothing strong y’know, obviously, since they’re over the counter, like an anxiety paracetamol that doesn’t work as well? I’m not saying that you have to be fixed or anything, or that there’s anything wrong with you, it’s just an option, if you ever feel it gets too much and you want to dampen the feeling a bit.”

Beomgyu smiled and nodded, taking the container, he opened his mouth to speak but Taehyun had already started talking again.

“My dad had a hunch about this y’know? He wasn’t bang on, when I called him a few weeks ago and explained everything, he said maybe you had a phobia of the world, that it was a real thing, he was dead serious about it too, he said ‘only people who have struggled can laugh at my jokes’. He’s always had a soft spot for you, I think everyone has, you’re so lovable and I know it’s probably been hard, even worse since you had to do it alone, but I’m proud of you. You have Serim now, and Yeonjun and Soobin, lately you’ve let more people in and it made me happy seeing it. I just want to see you happy, that’s why I was always so annoying, I didn’t want you to be alone, ever. I know I don’t completely understand everything you feel and I might not for awhile yet, but I’m always here for you.” Taehyun sighed and gave Beomgyu a sad smile.

“Thank you. I mean it. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner, it didn’t feel important or serious.” 

“Being emotion together isn’t really our thing is it?” Taehyun shook his head, changing the channel.

“Not really, I guess that’s more Kai and I’s forte.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“Kai and I.” Taehyun mocked him in a posh voice, Beomgyu let out a quiet laugh. “It should be though, I think maybe us talking about things has been long overdue. I think Kai knew all along really.”

“What makes you say that?” Beomgyu tilted his head.

Taehyun changed the channel again and higher we the volume a little.

“We’ve talked about it, he said he had a suspicion but he didn’t want to tell me in case it was wrong. Like you said you two actually talk about feelings sometimes.”

Beomgyu nodded, “I guess this is a good start?”

Taehyun smiled, “it is. Now let me change the damn channel I’m not watching the simpsons this early.”

“Just because your humours dry in the morning.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes, he handed Taehyun the remote and smiled, “put on endgame and I will end you.”

“Noted.”

—

“You up for dancing today?” Kai strummer his hands off the counter as Beomgyu buttered his toast. 

Beomgyu handed him the plate and threw the butter knife into the empty wash basin, “yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Just, because of everything, y’know?” Kai shrugged, sitting down on the sofa.

“Those are some very big big boy words Kai.” Beomgyu smiled as Kai rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“Why were the two of you uo this morning? And why wasn’t Tae complaining about his classes, it’s like his ritual before he leaves.” Kai yawned.

“It’s not like you ever have to hear it, you’re always snoring your head off.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, but I know it happens, which is just as bad.” Kai had a wide grin as Beomgyu shook his head.

“Kids these days, honestly.” Beomgyu sighed, “We just talked, you know him and I don’t really do that, it was nice. He said you maybe knew all along by the way?” Beomgyu tilted his head as he watched Kai shove have a slice of bread in his mouth.

Kai shook his head as Beomgyu stared at him amused, “I actually thought you were depressed or something, google says the two can link by the way, so if you ever feel that way tell us okay?”

“So you consulted google last night then?” Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “it’s not always right you know.”

“I’m just being cautious.” Kai muttered and shrugged.

“We don’t have to tip toe around this Kai, nothing changed, don’t start treating me like w wounded animal, unless I’m having a panic attack, then do exactly that.” Beomgyu smiled hoping his humour would make Kai so the same. It didn’t.

“I’m not tip toeing around it, I’m just worried. I know you weren’t keen on going last time and you didn’t tell us why so I just wanted to make sure..” Kai shrugged.

“You don’t need to worry about that kind of thing Kai, just forget I ever told you.” Beomgyu sighed, “besides Yeonjun is my friend, so is Soobin I think, I’m not sure there.” Beomgyu shrugged, him and Soobin had only talked once since the other day, more than Yeonjun sure but he still wasn’t sure. 

Kai’s smile grew wide and Beomgyu quirked an eyebrow, “whatever you’re thinking just say it.”

“So you’re really friends?” Kai’s smile grew impossibly bigger when Beomgyu nodded.

“Fucking jesus Kai, you look like you’ve gone insane tone it down a bit.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“So you’ve kissed and you’re just friends?”

“Yes. Just friends. We talked about it, just friends.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“Is that what you want?”

“Of course.”

“I don’t believe you.” Kai shook his head.

“Why not?” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“Because I know you like him.”

“I swear to god Kai I will bleach your favourite hoodie.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes and sat back in his seat.

“But you know I’m not wrong.” Kai pokes Beomgyu smiling.

“You are wrong. You kissed him back. You let him walk you home when you were drunk. You literally blush talking about him.” 

“Whatever, lets go, Taehyun said he’ll meet us there.”

———————

Beomgyu hates himself at times like this.

As soon as he woke up he knew it was one of those days. Granted he usually hated getting out of bed like any normal young adult, but all he could gather the energy to do was stare at his ceiling. He struggled to fall asleep and woke up early, his eyes felt heavy but if he closed them they felt watery and irritated.

He heard Taehyun getting ready for his special early morning class, if he was awake he’d usually go and talk to him, throw any loose paper he could find at him (he hoped atleast half these papers were actually Kai’s). But today he couldn’t muster the energy to pretend, not yet atleast.

This morning with Kai he managed to really listen to what he was saying, mostly because he knew any conversation after this most of what would be said would go over his head and he would rarely answer, opting for nods and noises.

Standing outside the dance studio he wondered why he lied, he could have said that today was just a really really bad day and he’d join them next time, but there seemed happy about being in this group together, and to some extent the others were his friends. So he could get through it. Maybe poorly but he would get there.

—————

Everything was too loud, the music, the feet hitting the floor, the talking.

He hated it. 

And he hated that he hated it.

He felt detached from everything, like he was watching it through a window. Like he wasn’t there at all.

In reality they had all tried talking to him, multiple times, but to Beomgyu I felt like pity, because Kai and Taehyun finally knew and they pitied him, because Soobin and Yeonjun probably found out somehow, or maybe they just hated him.

It wasn’t the truth.

But it felt like it.

He tried to find joy in the dancing, in the laughing, but he felt like the outsider.

Again, he wasn’t.

But if felt like it.

He knew he was overreacting, but what could he do? It was a useless fight, it was like an ant trying to battle a dragon, there was literally no point, he’d be annihilated.

Soobin tapped Beomgyu on his shoulder, “What do you fancy doing next?”

Beomgyu shrugged, “I don’t really care.”

“Do you know any other dances?” Yeonjun called from his seat beside Kai.

“Taehyun and Kai know a few too, ask them.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

Taehyun say beside Beomgyu and pulled him and Soobin into an awkward side hug, “but you’re the oldest out of us three.”

Beomgyu huffed, “you are shit at selling this.”

“You’re the only one that has the patience?” Soobin tilted his head.

“I nearly strangled you like eight times.”

“But you didn’t!” Kai laughed at Beomgyu’s straight face.

“I don’t want to teach anyone anything, learn yourself.” Beomgyu sighed.

“Please~” Taehyun whined I’m his ear.

“Whatever. What about a Stray Kids song?” Beomgyu elbowed Taehyun and Soobin trying to push them away.

“Let’s do it!” Yeonjun jumped out and Beomgyu couldn’t help but let out a long sigh as Taehyun pulled him up.

——

“Can I talk to you again?” Yeonjun gave a small smile to Beomgyu.

The session had went fairly well, granted Taehyun was going to be the victim of a good old strangle (he swore Taehyun it on purpose), apart from that it was fine, fairly normal.

Except Yeonjun had to go and do this again.

And Taehyun and Kai were doing the look again.

And Soobin was joining in. Fucking Soobin.

He didn’t get a choice again. Taehyun and Kai has scampered off smiling and Soobin has went with them, just giving a small wave.

Then it was silent. And awkward. And Beomgyu was running out of energy, fast, and as much as it was against every law he set for himself, he wanted a Yeonjun hug, a big bear fucking hug.

Another reason to hate himself: his strong need for physical affection when he’s sad. 

“Are you okay?” Yeonjun duffles awkwardly with his sleeve.

“Course. What do you want?” Beomgyu sighed.

“You’re acting weird.”

“No I’m not.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m just tired.” Beomgyu crosses his arms, it wasn’t exactly a lie. “Why does it matter to you?”

“We’re friends aren’t we?” Yeonjun frowned.

“Not good friends.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“Not going to lie that hurt a little.” Yeonjun sighed.

“Truth hurts.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“Do you wanna hang out?” 

“Can I say no?”

“Not really.” Yeonjun smiled, “I’m older.” Yeonjun took Beomgyu’s arm and linked it with his, “do you know got to skateboard?” 

Beomgyu just scowled.

————

Beomgyu knee he should have argued, he wasn’t in the mood to see people, he wasn’t in the mood to talk, he wasn’t in the mood to be alive. He surprised himself by accepting without having a tantrum.

Yeonjun smiles at him as they walk, he didn’t actually know where they were going, he presumed Yeonjun had a skateboard somewhere, in a bush or something like that. Not anything norma like his apartment or dorm. 

Which turned out to be where they were going.

“Are you going to kill me?” Beomgyu couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow as Yeonjun smiled.

“No? If I was going to I wouldn’t do it at my own apartment.” Yeonjun rolled his eyes.

“That gives me plenty of comfort.” Beomgyu elbowed him.

“Anyways, I need to get the skateboards obviously.” Yeonjun rolled his and smiled, “or if you were royally against Iraq we could watch a movie, either way we need to go.” Yeonjun shrugged.

Beomgyu pulled a face, “damn make a fool of myself or torture myself for like two hours, my options are really wide.”

“I’m hoping to kidnap you, so it’ll be longer than two hours.” Yeonjun winked and Beomgyu groaned.

“Why did I even agree to this, we have to be the only star begets to hang out this much.”

“Your closest friends can be strangers too, y’know.”

————

Yeonjun’s apartment was very cosy, and surprisingly tidy, though maybe that was just Soobin’s doing.

The walls were bright blue, they had grey furniture spread throughout the front room, even the fake cactus had a grey plant pot.

Soobin was playing some soft music from his room, something Beomgyu had heard on the radio but never bothered to learn the name of. 

Yeonjun’s room reflected his personality perfectly. The walls were bright yellow and were littered with posters of different shows and drawings of cartoon characters, he recognised Rick and Morty and the blue one from angry birds right away. It contrasted to Beomgyu’s own bear and tidy room, but he liked it, it felt soft and fuzzy and like a unicorn lived there.

He sat on Yeonjun’s bed whilst the older rummaged through the corner fo his room.

“Are you sure you actually own one?” Beomgyu smiled.

Yeonjun turned around and held his hand to his heart, “how dare you suggest I’m not a cool guy, I’m fairly sure they’re either under this mountain of clothes or in Soobin’s room.”

“I’m starting to think you’re lying.” Beomgyu sighed.

“Well take that I found it!” Yeonjun pulled up a bright blue skateboard sending clothes flying.

“You need to clean your room.” Beomgyu frowned.

“You need to stop being a mom.” Yeonjun smiled.

Beomgyu prayed this would actually lift his mood, though it seemed to be plummeting by the second.

—————

“I fucking hate this.” Yeonjun whined as he clung to Beomgyu.

“I thought you said you’ve done this before?” Beomgyu couldn’t help but smile.

“Yeah, maybe when I was like ten?” Yeonjun jumped off the skateboard timidly, still clinging to Beomgyu’s arm.

“Then why the fuck do you own these?” Beomgyu shook his head.

“They’re Soobin’s.” Yeonjun’s face went bright red as Beomgyu laughed. “It doesn’t help that you’re better than me either.”

“It’s not hard.” Beomgyu shrugged. 

Yeonjun hopped back onto it again, pushing it off the kerb, “I think you’ll find I disagree.”

Beomgyu swatted Yeonjun’s hand off his arm and did the same, taking a second to get his balance, “You’re just pushing a plank of whatever this is.”

Yeonjun opened his mouth but stumbled over, falling off his skateboard and grabbing Beomgyu, taking Beomgyu with him, the younger landed on him with a thud.

“You fucking idiot.” Beomgyu hissed.

Yeonjun frowned “I’m sorry.”

Beomgyu shook his head and started laughing, letting his face fall onto Yeonjun’s shoulder. 

Yeonjun rubbed his back, “I think we should maybe get up.”

Beomgyu shook his head and kept laughing, “your face when you fell.”

“Well I feel loved.” Yeonjun scowled.

“As you should.” Beomgyu stood up and took Yeonjun’s hand.

“I actually thought you were pissed, cutie.” Yeonjun frowned.

Beomgyu shook his head, “Well honey, I just surprised, I’m sorry but your squeal, I laugh at anything and that was just..” Beomgyu shook his head smiling again.

“I’ll keep that in mind, cutie.” Yeonjun smiled, “now let’s put these death traps away, please.”

——————

The walk back was left with a comfortable silence, Beomgyu figures he needed it to figure out what the fuck just happened and why he didn’t get pissed. Maybe he was just that starved of laughter he would laugh at even a leaf blowing by, that seemed to be the only thing to make sense.

The more he grew up the more intolerable people seemed to him, somehow Serim, Ravn and Soobin has become exceptions and unexpected constants in his life, he thought he had everything he needed until they came. But Yeonjun was different.

Beomgyu, like anyone his age, has of course had crushes, but the far away kind. He’s crushed on people because of little things they did and it usually died after a few weeks and there wouldn’t be another for eons. Yeonjun, however, he liked, like liked liked. Like what the fuck.

But Yeonjun’s cute, Yeonjun is friendly and welcoming and warm, Yeonjun has pretty eyes and a pretty smile, Yeonjun is funny, Yeonjun is kind, Yeonjun can be sarcastic, Yeonjun isn’t judgemental, Yeonjun likes kids cartoons, Yeonjun still plays cut the rope, Yeonjun likes to doodle, Yeonjun is clumsy, Yeonjun wears big hoodies, Yeonjun likes slushes, Yeonjun agrees DC is better than Marvel, Yeonjun feels cozy, Yeonjun is Yeonjun.

But then again Yeonjun was annoying, Yeonjun had bad jokes, Yeonjun used nicknames with a stranger on a park bench, Yeonjun doesn’t know how to skateboard, Yeonjun probably doesn’t watch his favourite show, Yeonjun had yellow walls.

Spectacularly, Beomgyu knows he likes him, but he’ll be in denial even with himself anyways.

—————

Beomgyu fidgeted on the sofa as he waited for Yeonjun, the older decided that you can’t do anything without cola, Beomgyu agreed, but that’s besides the point.

Though nervously fidgeting was way better than answering the messages from Kai and Taehyun.

“Here you go, cutie.” Yeonjun smiled as he plopped down beside him, “what should we watch?”

“Well considering you went away for years to get ingredients to make the cola I thought you’d have enough thinking time to decide that yourself.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“Brat.” Yeonjun smiled, unbothered he picked up the remote.

“Mean.” Beomgyu frowned.

“That’s an amazing name to call someone, can I use that later?” Yeonjun smiled and punched Beomgyu’s shoulder.

“Shut up.” He muttered and crossed his arms.

Yeonjun shook his head again and started scrolling through movies, finally settling for an Annabelle movie, he hit play and sat back beside Beomgyu, throwing a blanket around both of them.

“You scared of horror movies?” 

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, snuggling into the blanket, “what kind of person isn’t?”

“Okay then, are you scared easily.” Yeonjun laughed as Beomgyu pushed him away again.

“I hate you.” Beomgyu shuffled to the other side of the sofa, “I’ll tell Soobin on you if you bully me.

“I’m older?”

“I don’t care. Soobin is clearly the boss here.”

Yeonjun hit him over the head with a pillow, “you cheeky brat, not shut up so we can watch the movie.” Yeonjun swung an arm around Beomgyu again.

Beomgyu just scowled.

——————

Half way through the movie Beomgyu gravitated towards Yeonjun more, every time something scary happened he’d cling to Yeonjun, every time someone did something dumb he’d yell, to which Yeonjun would slap a hand over his mouth and mutter, ‘hush its finally getting good.’

“Why wouldn’t she believe the kid.”

“Would you believe a dolls possessed?”

“Without a doubt.”

“Why do they have a green toothbrush?”

“Is there a problem with it?”

“Well maybe if they had a better colour she wouldn’t get nearly killed.”

“What now?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re itching time say something.”

“Could Annabelle do origami with someone’s hand? She totally could right?”

“Why doesn’t Annabelle ever redo their makeup?”

“Why would they need to?”

“Well she’d be more scary if she looked like the joker, not a child clown.”

“Do you think Annabelle broke out of the room because she was tired of reading those clippings over and over? Maybe she was secretly nice and now she’s just pissed because she had to read that for like thirty years.”

“Have you been paying attention at all?”

“Hey Younjun?”

“What now?”

“You’re clinging to me really right.”

“Hey Beomgyu?”

“What?”

“What colour of milk do you think they use?”

“They seem like a red family.”

“I hated this movie.”

“Of course you did.”

Beomgyu was talkative during movies, Yeonjun didn’t mind.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eternally was released today and it makes so sense I’m too dumb for this 😭 and SKZ releases the blueprint MV, stream both!  
> Have a good day <3

After the night at Yeonjun and Soobin’s apartment things changed a little inside Beomgyu’s head.

Something he had always personally viewed as a weakness was the concept of ‘liking someone’. It always felt trivial and mundane, it never lead anywhere, he had never crushed on someone he knew well, so he moved on easily, nice and clean.

Taehyun and Kai were two different stories. If Taehyun liked someone, the moment he realised it himself he would tell them. This lead to Taehyun having the most experience in relationships out of the trio, his longest being a year and a half that ended when he left for university, Beomgyu and Kai figured he would be heartbroken, but he merely said ‘You cant get upset about inevitable things.’ It made sense, Beomgyu respected that part of Taehyun’s mind.

Kai was the most normal when it came to these kind of things, he was shy and it usually took someone playing Cupid to make it happen, but it also meant any breakups were like in the movies, tears and ice cream.

Beomgyu judges them for this though, what was the point in ever trying to find love? It was always full of hurt and arguments, he had heard time and time again your partner should be your best friend, but best friends don’t argue nearly as much as a married couple do. 

They, in turn, judges him for it, and set him up with every guy under the sun, everyone in their head throughout their school years soon became apart of this mission too. Beomgyu is happy to say he won against atleast fifty people.

But what Yeonjun wrote on that piece of paper stayed with him, Soobin had a picture of the note saved to his phone because ‘Yeonjun is one persistent fetus’, so he had no choice but to see, he wouldn’t tell the others that though, or Yeonjun himself. Maybe it was because it was something he could only ever read or write about, something that would never happen in real life, it wasn’t a big gesture, it was small, but Beomgyu’s favourite things in life were the little things.

‘In a universe full of stars, I found you.‘

———————

There was no light coming through the curtains as Beomgyu woke, the chill of mid December surrounded the room. He didn’t know the time, but he knew it was way too early. He had nothing to do but to think.

University is as tedious as you expect it to be, better than highschool but still sucky, not because of the classes, the classes were great, but more because finding the will to live and do the work was hard.

Beomgyu loved his literature class, he liked his music technology one to, it was a good backup, he had Serim in both classes to lift his spirits, he walked home with Kai four days a week, him and Taehyun started waking up earlier to get a few games of whatever Taehyun wanted to play, but yet there was some days were he woke up and felt empty.

He wasn’t actually sure when that started, but some days he woke up and he just wanted to stay in his bed, alone, surrounded by silence, it always managed to be the days he had something planned aswell. Like when he met up with Ravn at that coffee shop, or when the three of them decided to go to the cinema. He just felt tired.

Today seemed to be one of those days, though maybe the tiredness was because it was ass o’clock.

He sighed and sat up, grabbing a hoodie from the floor and pulling it over his head as he threw the blankets off. He stood up and yawned, stretching his arms over his head, he grabbed his shoes and made his way to the hallway.

He sat down to tie his shoelaces, he would probably come back from this little walk a walking ice cube, he shivered at the thought.

He locked the door and pulled out his phone.

-Yeonjun-  
You: You awake?

Yeonjun: Depends?

You: On what exactly?

Yeonjun: What do you need?

You: Who said I needed anything.

Yeonjun: Well do you?

You:... Fuck you  
You: Will you meet me?

Yeonjun: How insane week you

You: Very, now will u or not 

Yeonjun: Meet you at the park then cutie <33

You: Bye

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, he regretted Yeonjun being his first choice, but he would have felt bad about waking Serim, he wasn’t choosing Yeonjun to be sweet or anything.

The walk wasn’t long, the streets were empty, there was no birds chirping, probably because even they had the sense to not be out at this time in this weather, Beomgyu lacked that intelligence.

He does too much thinking these days, he concluded, as he looked left and right before crossing the empty road. 

Sometimes it’s painful, sometimes it’s tiring, it’s hard to stop it though, but it usually passes after awhile, this was just an unusually long bout of it.

He looked left and right again, then crossed, it was pointless to waste so much energy on it, he knew that, spending time where he could be spending tile with his friends or getting something productive done, instead he stared at the wall and thinks and thinks and thinks. At night when he struggles to sleep he reads a book, then he cries over either the book or life, usually the latter.

He opened the meaningless gate that was situated at the entrance of the park, the park was massive, with small fences anyone could climb, why waste time putting a small gate that merely needed you to pull a bit of metal? It honestly didn’t make sense to him.

He walks along the wet pavement, random wet blades of grass were stuck to the pavement, it had obviously been raining earlier, he kind of hoped it would rain now. He was in the mood to hear the calming sound of water hitting the leaves and getting hit by the cold droplets, it was refreshing in the best way, and the way the droplets stuck to leaves and cobwebs and windows, in Beomgyu’s persons opinion, was beautiful.

He looked down at the wet bench in from of him, debating on wether or not to just get a wet butt, he decided that he shouldn’t do that since a) these were his pjamas and he has a strict ‘no getting bed wear dirty policy’, he doesn’t care if washing machines are a thing, the thought of anything gross being on his sleep wear creeped him out. And b) he was definitely going to face plant his bed and sleep for as long as possible when he got home and is too lazy to change.

He leaned back against the back of the bench and sighed, it was so very quiet, like every single piece of the world was asleep, like it was just him on his own, surrounded by beautiful little things. It was comforting yet soul wrenching, he never wanted to be alone, never ever.

He tapped the puddle in front of him, admiring the circles that continuously formed as he kept tapping.

“You’re like a little kid.” Beomgyu looked up to see Yeonjun smiling down at him with an emotion he could only describe as fond. Gross.

“Shut up.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes and stretched his legs out in front of him.

“It’s hard to believe you’re the one that asked me to come here.” Yeonjun gave Beomgyu a smug smile.

“I’m honestly regretting it now.” Beomgyu huffed.

Yeonjun threw an arm around his shoulders, “don’t worry, I know you’re secretly nice.”

“You keep telling yourself that.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“Why are you so irritable with me anyways?” Yeonjun asked curiously.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“You quite clearly do.”

Beomgyu shrugged, “I don’t know how to act around you.”

Yeonjun frowned, “I don’t know, maybe treat me like your friend?”

“It’s not that simple, idiot.” Beomgyu started to tap the puddle again.

“Why? We cleared everything up didn’t we?” 

“Use that big brain of yours, you got into university so there must be atleast a braincell in there.” Beomgyu shook his head.

Yeonjun was silent for a minute, “Do you feel something towards me?”

“Annoyance? Yes.”

“Be serious for a minute.”

Beomgyu sighed, “you make things difficult you know. I want to dislike you but I can’t, I want to have fun with you but I’m afraid of you.”

“Should we get some alcohol in you then?” Yeonjun smiled and Beomgyu elbowed his in the stomach, “ow ow, uncalled for.”

“You’re a dick.”

“Why are you afraid of me?” Yeonjun pokes Beomgyu’s cheek.

Beomgyu shrugged again, “it’s complicated.”

“You mean you’re not ready to share?”

“Exactly.”

“Okay,” Yeonjun smiled, “well until you tell me, why don’t we practice you being a little less uptight.”

“Fuck you.”

“See, baby, that’s now how we be nice.” Yeonjun pouted, “why don’t you be the shadow to me sonic?”

“They were rivals.”

“In every fan fiction ever they’re best friends you must know that.”

“Have you read it?”

“Obviously not. But everyone wants them to be friends don’t they, you can’t tell me you don’t wish they have each other a chance.”

Beomgyu struggles to hide a smile, “I guess you’re right.”

“I’m always right.”

“You’re really pushing it.”

“You don’t make sense to me, y’know?” Yeonjun shook his head.

“Why not?”

“Because sometimes we have a laugh together and it’s comfy, but most of the time you act like I’m a bug you can’t get rid of.”

Beomgyu shrugged, “it’s how I am.”

Yeonjun sighed, “can you be nicer to me?”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Beomgyu~” Yeonjun whined.

Beomgyu smiled, “okay, fine.”

“Great, and one of these days we need to have a talk on how you display your affection.”

“Who said I wanted to show affection to you.” Beomgyu raises an eyebrow.

“Hush, I know you do.” 

———————

“Do you think I’m weird around Yeonjun?” Beomgyu asked no one in particular as the three of them munched on apples.

“You really need to be more specific.” Kai shook his head.

“Do you think I’m like, I don’t know, do you think I go from zero to hundred I’m every direction?”

Taehyun nodded furiously, “definitely yes. You hold his hand one minute then use every swear in existence on him a second later.”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “thanks.”

“He’s just telling the truth.” Kai shrugged.

Beomgyu sighed, “why do you think I’m like that?”

Taehyun shrugged, taking a large bite out of the apple and thinking for a second, “I say this with love, when it comes to your emotions, you are kinda a coward, not in a bad way, you just refuse to acknowledge emotions because you’re scared of them, or maybe you’re scared of them being out in the open, I don’t know, you know better than me.”

Kai nodded, “plus you’re kind of secretive when it comes to that, and when you get secretive you get irritable and sad.”

Beomgyu raised an eyebrow, “have I been like this around you guys before?”

Taehyun nodded, “hundreds of times.”

“Wait really?”

“Yeah, we learnt how to handle it though.” Kai smiled.

“Are you guys lying to me?” Beomgyu frowned, both shook their heads, “give me an example then.”

Kai smiled, “there was the time when you were trying to hide the fact that you were gay? You became really defensive about literally everything.”

Taehyun laughed, “I don’t even get why you were like that, you knew we were gay.”

Beomgyu frowned again, “I’m cuddly though and I didn’t want you guys to get the wrong idea and ruin anything.”

Taehyun shook his head, “there was also this other time when I called you cute and you got pissed, remember that?” Beomgyu nodded and Kai had a growing smile, “I don’t think you realised but you kinda pushed me away a little, broke my little heart.”

Beomgyu took a bite out of his apple and frowned, he threw his apple in the bin, “was I really that bad?”

“We didn’t take it that way, don’t worry. I figured you were just embarrassed and in denial of your absolute adorableness, trust me, I’ve been friends with you since the dawn of time and I think there’s been times were you tried to push us away without realising it. Do you want to know how we got you to understand how we love you?” Taehyun smiled and ruffled his hair as Beomgyu sat back beside him.

Beomgyu shook his head, “do tell.”

“We make you laugh then tell you you’ll never get rid of us, you’re oblivious as hell, Gyu, you really are blind to your own feelings, we’ll always love you though.” Kai smiled.

“I think I’ll disagree with that last part, I think he knows but he’s afraid to express it, that’s why he would have pushed us away right? He loves us but he’s afraid and he doesn’t want to get hurt, it’s human and understandable.” Taehyun shrugged, “what do you think Beomgyu?”

Beomgyu raised an eyebrow, “I think you’re both right and that I really need to pay more attention.”

“Okay then, what do you feel towards Yeonjun?” Kai picked up another apple.

“Oh we’re doing this right now, like right now, right now?” 

Taehyun rolled his eyes, “no time like the present, so spill.”

“I guess I ‘like’ him, I don’t know, the way we met was so weird and I’ve never met someone I actually like in that way.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“So what’s holding you back exactly.” Kai raises an eyebrow.

“Take a guess, Einstein.” Taehyun rolled his eyes.

Kai sat for a moment, “I have no clue.”

Beomgyu sighed, “I’m afraid, doofus.”

“Yeah, but why?”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “because I don’t know what to do about like liking someone Kai, I’m naturally afraid of people hating me or getting hurt.” Beomgyu pauses for a moment, “and I don’t feel like I’m worth it.”

Taehyun turned to Beomgyu, “you what now?”

Beomgyu shook his head, “never mind, I’ll be late to class if I don’t go now, cya.”

Beomgyu took his backpack from the floor and a hoodie hanging on the door and left, leaving Taehyun and Kai to stare at eachother wordlessly.

——————

“You excited for Christmas?” Serim smiled as he sat beside Beomgyu, throwing his backpack onto the ground and staring at the professor welcoming people in.

Beomgyu looked towards the door too, “I guess, I haven’t really thought about it, what about you.”

Serim turned around, offended, “you haven’t thought about Christmas, what kind of human are you?”

“One who has a lot of homework to do.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes, he pulled the battered notepad out of his bag.

“We all do, yet we somehow find the energy to smile.” Serim pinched Beomgyu’s cheeks, warning a dirty glare from the younger.

“What am I meant to say? Kai and Taehyun are going home to their families so I don’t really have anyone to spend those days with.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“You could always hang out with Ravn and I, y’know.” Serim took a pen when Beomgyu offered him one.

“I’m not intruding on anyone, I’ll face time you guys and have a movie marathon, I don’t really care.” Beomgyu shrugged, doodling in the corner of the page.

“You wouldn’t be, cmon ,Beomgyu, please~” Serim tugged at his arm, “no one is spending Christmas alone.”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “I think I’ll live.”

“For me? For your brother from another mother?” Serim pouted.”

“Please, for the love of god, never say that again.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “what are you two even gonna do?”

Serim smiled, “watch some horror movie, then watch Mulan because it’s the only Disney movie with snow in it, then bake, then either have a snowball fight or a water fight, depends on if it snows.”

“Do you even know how to bake?”

“Nope.”

Beomgyu grimaced, “I think I might come just so that your apartment will live another day.”

Serim gave Beomgyu a wide smile, “it’s a yes either way, so I’ll take it.”

—————

Winter break came sooner than expected, Beomgyu honestly felt lost, he was so used to working on something that it felt kind of empty.

He had tonight’s dance practice to look forward to though, and he could always go to the studio while the others were away, through Soobin he found out that Yeonjun was going to see his sister, who lived just a few streets over, and Soobin was staying in the apartment, his parents deciding to come to him instead.

It felt rather depressing sometimes, he would message both of his parents on Christmas Day, his mom would be sure to call him, even though their relationship had hit a rough patch, but his father was very hit or miss, he might not even get a message back some years. That left his eyes stinging every time.

He threw a hoodie and bottle of water into his backpack, he was happy to see his friends had loving families, but sometimes he wondered where he went wrong as a kid, every relationship had it’s ups and downs, he wasn’t that naive to think everything was rainbows, but to this day he never knew what happened, if it was because of cheating, if it was because they simply didn’t love each other anymore, or if it was because of him.

He regretted every argument he had with his mother, every child did, but it hurt she never felt like family anymore, but looking around his room and seeing the photos hung up on the walls of him, Kai and Taehyun, his real family, with them he knew everything would be okay.

——————-

Beomgyu and Kai giggled at the vine compilations, as always the three were earlier than Soobin and Yeonjun, Taehyun was practicing cartwheels in the middle in the room, Beomgyu and Kai had been cheering him on, but after three successful attempts they grew bored.

“Why are milk caps those colours? Cows aren’t those colours.” Kai frowned.

Beomgyu and Taehyun erupted into giggles, “what the ever living fuck made you think of that?” Taehyun shook his head.

“Hey, it’s a serious question.” Kai looked somewhat offended and the two couldn’t help but laugh.

“That’s a really good question though, try asking your professor, I’m sure he’ll know the answer.” Beomgyu smiled.

Kai’s frowned deepened, “I can’t tell if you’re being serious or not.”

Taehyun gave him a deadpan look, “Yes, please do it and tell us the results.”

Kai side eyed him, “okay.”

“We’re late again!” Yeonjun sign songed as he threw the door open, the sound echoed loudly through the room as it hit against the wall, “...oops?” Yeonjun shrugged gingerly.

Soobin rolled his eyes as he walked in, “if there’s a hole in the wall, you’re paying for it.”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “how come you two are always late?”

“I need to prepare my heart for seeing my absolute favourite people, of course.” Yeonjun smiled as he walked over to the speaker, plugging his phone in.

“Gross.” Kai pulled a face.

“Yeonjun’s just a slow walker and he doesn’t like walking alone.” Soobin rolled his eyes, sitting down beside Kai to tie his shoelace.

“Aw the poor baby,” Taehyun and Beomgyu pouted as they spoke.

Yeonjun turned around, “that was creepy, and Beomgyu was way cuter.”

“You’re so biased.” Taehyun crosses his arms and huffed.

Beomgyu smiled and wrapped his arms around Taehyun’s waist, “I’m sure you’ll live.”

“With his face right now I don’t think Yeonjun will live.” Kai pulled a face when Soobin started to untie his shoelaces, “you can retie them now.” he muttered, side eyeing Soobin.

“Can we get started? I’m cold.” Beomgyu sighed and he stood up and yawned, “or better yet does anyone have a blanket and I’ll sit and watch.”

Soobin smiled, “as a matter of fact I do.” He opened his bag and threw out a neon pink blanket.”

“Stylish.” Taehyun rolled his eyes, “scoot Beomgyu.”

Beomgyu sat against the wall and held the blanket up, Taehyun bum shuffled beside him and fixed the blanket on them.

“Really?” Kai raises an eyebrow, facing them as he begins to stretch.

Yeonjun pulled Kai to the floor and began stretching, “just leave them be.”

Soobin shook his head and leaned on Kai’s back, pulling the middle finger at the two in the corner, Taehyun did the same back, Beomgyu just grinned, “our dear oldest has a favourite.”

“We know.” Kai rolled his eyes.

“If it works out in my favour, I don’t care.” Taehyun smiled snuggling into Beomgyu.

“How do you two look so comfy on a floor?” Yeonjun raised an eyebrow.

Beomgyu shrugged, “because floors are underrated and we’re cold and lazy.”

“Can’t argue that.” Soobin shook his head.

“Now hop to it, your three.” Taehyun smirked.

“Little brat.” Yeonjun shook his head.”


	12. Denial, a scary thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw// mentions of depression  
> -If you feel you do have a mental illness of any kind, talk to someone, never hold it in!  
> -Any symptoms mentioned are either from google or my personal experiences   
> Have a good day <3

Life wouldn’t be life, if things didn’t go a little south. Blips are inevitable, they happen every day, for some people, ever blip they have in life is small, for some people, it’s a moderate amount, for whoever’s left, life is full of earthquakes and slaps in the face.

Beomgyu is apart of that last category.

It’s not like it’s never happened before. Every once in awhile he’ll be hit with this feeling of utter sadness, of being lost and alone, it never lasted more than a fortnight. It’s not his favourite thing in the world, but he became accustomed to it, it became some kind of routine.

Sometimes it hits harder than usual, there has been a few rare instances were he couldn’t find the will to get out of bed, the will to be happy, the will to face anyone. Those instances were rare though, like he said before, and it hadn’t happened in so long he nearly forgot about it.

As anyone would guess, he woke up with that terrible, intense feeling. Nothing about this morning was different, his alarm woke him at seven thirty, he laid there for five minutes, then got up to make some coffee. He always woke up just a tiny bit before the others.

He leaned on the counter as he waited for the kettle to boil, the feeling of absolute emptiness settling into the pit of his stomach. His heart ached with a strange pin of unknowing, it doesn’t matter how strong the person is, everyone’s heart is still fragile.

The silence, only to be interrupted by the ding of the kettle, felt so very loud and lonely. Loud in the way that his mind was so full of thoughts that the silence only condoned them further, lonely in the sense that, sure there were other people in the apartment with him, but he felt so entirely alone and misunderstood, and he’d only been awake fifteen minutes. 

What a good day it’s going to be.

He groaned internally as he realised what day it was, 23rd December, Kai and Taehyun were going to leave today. A small frown settled on his face. 

He would miss those little rats. And he says that with love.

So it really would be lonely. Emotionally and literally.

Man he was a pessimist.

He took a sip of coffee, way too hot but, oh well.

“Morning.” He yelled time whoever yawned in the doorway.

“Morning, Gyu.” Taehyun smiled, walking to the kettle.

“There’s a coffee here.” Beomgyu said, not looking up from his phone.

“Oh. Thanks.” Taehyun grabbed the cup beside Beomgyu’s and nudged his shoulder, “you seriously made Kai orange juice.”

“Yep.” replied Beomgyu and Taehyun couldn’t help but stifle a laugh, “fuck off Tae.”

“Sorry, sorry.” He took Beomgyu’s phone and clicked on one of his games, “are you looking forward to the peace?”

Beomgyu took another sip of his coffee, “totally.” He rolled his eyes.

“You know you can face time us.” Taehyun frowned, putting the phone down on the counter when he lost the game.

“It’s only a week, Taehyun. Besides face time makes my face uglier than usual.” He pulled a face making Taehyun laugh, then gulped what was left of his coffee before putting it beside the sink.

“I genuinely can’t think of even one day we haven’t spent together.” Taehyun shrugged, picking Beomgyu’s phone up again.

“You do actually have a point there.” Beomgyu shook his head, snatching his phone back.

“Will you be okay?” Taehyun tilted his head, watching as Beomgyu started scrolling through Netflix.

“Why the sudden concern?” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“Why the sudden defensiveness?” Taehyun rolled his eyes back.

“I’m serious. You haven’t been concerned before.” Beomgyu shook his head, clicking in and out of some shows.

“I’ve been scared for you plenty of times, just didn’t have the courage to voice it, idiot.” Taehyun sighed, making his way back out of the room again.

“Whatever you say.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“Glad you accept it, I’m going to get changed and wake up Kai, eat breakfast or something.” Taehyun called over his shoulder.

Beomgyu shook his head and sat down on a chair. He wanted answers to why he was feeling like his stomach was dragged through a bush backwards, he couldn’t be dying, he hasn’t got a cold, and a cold doesn’t fuck up how you feel emotionally so he didn’t know why he even considered it, pulling at straws, really.

He knows you shouldn’t google symptoms, he’s heard plenty of times about people in his classes freaking out because they googled things about their physical health and went into a panic and embarrassed themselves in front of doctors, he was hoping he wouldn’t have to do that.

He leaned his face on his hand and started typing.

||‘I have a headache, I feel down and empty’.||  
||Results:   
||Mental health helplines for depression

He knew he shouldn’t believe everything he reads, but google wasn’t always wrong was it? 

||’Depression Symptoms’  
||Results:  
|| Symptoms of depression include feeling unhappy or hopeless, low self-esteem and finding no pleasure in things you usually enjoy.  
||See more? CLICK HERE

Beomgyu shook his head and and clicked his phone off, sliding it to the other end of the table with a huff.

Stupid fucking internet.

One mental illness was enough. He wasn’t depressed. Just in a rough patch. Just stressed from university. It’s a stressful time. And every other time he’s sure something stressful was happening. This was just how he felt stress.

He told Kai he wasn’t depressed, he wasn’t a fucking liar.

“You okay there?” Kai raises an eyebrow and he plonked down beside Beomgyu.

“Yep.”

Kai sighed, “I have to go soon, face time me tonight?” 

“Sure.” Beomgyu shrugged, taking a bit of fun when Kai offered him it.

“It feels oddly sad to go.” Kai mused.

“Probably because we’re joined to the hip, it’s not that big of a deal.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

Kai pinched Beomgyu’s cheeks, “you know you’ll miss me.”

Beomgyu slapped his hands away, “god you people are emotional.

“You cried over the new Jumanji movie.”

“If you can’t prove it, it didn’t happen.”

—————

After Taehyun and Kai left Beomgyu sat there. Because he hated being alone. He hated people, yes, but he hated being alone more. There’s nothing worse than having no on to talk to or no one just to sit with. It was, for the most part, boring.

Beomgyu did need alone time to charge his ‘social battery’, but he always found comfort in knowing his friends were in the next room over, or even the next house over when they were in high school. 

Sometimes he was literally his own worst enemy, he literally made hating something his weakness, that’s talent and he’s proud of it.

He yawned and pulled his phone out of his pocket, tired of the silence.

[Soobin]  
You: You busy?  
Soobin: No, wanna hang out? U can come over here if u wanna  
You: c u soon

He hated how incredibly awkward he was with texting, he really did have to improve on that. He was too tired to think about that right now though.

——————

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Beomgyu raised an eyebrow as he watched Soobin struggle to open a packet of permanent markers.

“Yes. Yeonjun said we could use them. He will literally wear anything and these are old anyway.” Soobin smiled to himself as he finally opened the packet, he threw two shoes over to Beomgyu, who was hiding at the corner of the oldest bed.

“I suck at this stuff though.” Beomgyu groaned.

“No one can be bad at art.” Soobin said in, what Beomgyu guesses, was supposed to be a wide voice, he sounded more like a constipated Dumbledore, in Beomgyu’s proffesion all opinion.

“Sure. Atleast give me somethibg to draw on them.” Beomgyu sighed picking up one of the shoes and a black marker.

“I don’t know, Joker? I’ll do Harley if you do Joker.” Soobin smiled, taking a blue and pink pen.

“God I love you.” Beomgyu shook his head smiling.

“Love you too. If it goes south we can always paint over it.” Soobin smiled, “it’s meant to be fun, don’t stress yourself over it.”

Beomgyu saluted, “sir, yes sir!”

They were silent for awhile after that, the sound of the markers and Yeonjun’s music in the other room made for comfortable background noise. Every once in awhile they’d make a complaint to each other about something that went wrong or high five when something looked good, and for the better part of an hour, they sat comfortably in their own little world.

“Are you done yet?” Beomgyu tilted his head at Soobin, moving the pillow that was separating his back from the bed frame.

“Nearly.” Soobin replies sticking his younger out, “I’m concentrating, see!” 

Beomgyu couldn’t help but smile and shake his head at that. “I have a question.”

“Shoot.” 

“Did you know a lot of sheep are gay?” 

“Did you know frogs can change their gender?”

They both stared at each other for a moment, not taking each other seriously.

“Are you serious?” Soobin raised an eyebrow.

“Yes! You wouldn’t expect it right?”

Soobin was silent for a minute, “Sheep are my favourite fucking animals.” he held his hand to his heart dramatically.

“Can frogs really do that?” Beomgyu crosses his arms.

“Yeah! It was like super specific about how, but yeah, bottom line they can change their genders!” Soobin tapped his pen off his knee as he talked.

“Animals are so cool.” Beomgyu grinned.

“Right?” Soobin agreed, “done!”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “took you long enough.”

“You can’t rush perfection.” Soobin elbowed Beomgyu.

“I’ll argue that easily.” Beomgyu sighed, “show me anyways.”

Soobin smiled and handed it over to Beomgyu. 

Beomgyu looked at it surprised, “maybe you were right, it actually looks really good.”

“Why do you look so surprised?” Soobin frowned.

“Because I thought it would look good, but it looks amazing.” Beomgyu muttered, handing it back to Soobin.

“Aww, Gyu!” Soobin smiled, wrapping his arms around the younger.

“I’m nice all the time you know.” Beomgyu crosses his arms.

“I know, I know. But you’re pretty shy about it and it’s adorable.” Soobin grinned pinching his cheeks, Beomgyu glared at him. “Now show me yours!”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes and handed his over to the older.

“Now I feel outdone.” Soobin whined.

Beomgyu raised an eyebrow, “huh?”

“You’re looks so good, I mean, look at it!” Soobin waved his arms around as he talked, nearly hitting Beomgyu in the face.

“Calm down.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“Beomgyu is so talented!~” Soobin yelled in a sing song voice, “and he’s shy about it!”

Beomgyu huffed, “shut up.”

“Aw don’t be like that! I mean it genuinely.” Soobin complained.

“Okay, okay.” Beomgyu pauses for a minute, “and it was fun.” he huffed again as he collected the pens together.

“That’s a triple win!” Soobin smiled, “y’know, I’m surprised my bed isn’t covered in pen.”

“Honestly same, you drop them and throw them like a two year old.” Beomgyu teased.

Soobin kicked him, Beomgyu hit him in the face with a pillow.

——————

It was eight pm when Beomgyu finally got home, after arguing about DC movies for awhile and watching a dog movie (which definitely didn’t make Beomgyu cry) Beomgyu decided he should head home before he ended up staying there permanently.

He smiled as he look at Soobin’s Harley Quinn shoes that he’d put in the corner of his room, Soobin decided they would make good Christmas presents for each other, since they were important to each other but hadn’t known each other for the longest period of time, it was a happy agreement. Beomgyu appreciates the gesture.

But now he was alone again, he was meant to be calling Kai and Taehyun right now, but for the life of him he couldn’t bring himself to do it. It hurt that he didn’t want to, he didn’t really understand why, he wanted to talk to them so bad, but for a reason unbeknownst to him, he felt fear grip at him.

Or maybe it was heavy denial. Denial was something that didn’t get enough recognition for how strong it was.

Beomgyu briefly glanced up at his wall, his eyes making their way to the cork board full of quotes and photos of his family, (him, Taehyun, Kai and Kai’s dog Daisy, Beomgyu missed Daisy a lot.)

“If you stumble, make it apart of the dance.”

If his sprains his ankle, how does he continue that dance?

—————

He woke up the next morning to a banging on his door.

To which he says, what the ever loving fuck man. If it’s a robber they can let themselves in, they don’t have to be so lazy. If it’s anyone that isn’t a robber, what the fuck are they doing at his place at...

Ten am.

Which yes is a perfectly human time to be up and running, but he’ll still be pissed till further notice.

Which was unusual, usually he was a early bird, quite happy with being woken up, he shrugged to himself as he slipped a hoodie on, making his way to the door.

“Heya!” Serim pounced on Beomgyu as soon as he opened the door, sending them both to the floor with a thud.

“Hi?” Beomgyu groaned as he rubbed his shoulders.

“Did I wake you up? Serim tilted his head, resting his head on the shorter’s chest.

“Yeah. What’s up?” Beomgyu lifted his head off the floor to make eye contact with the blonde.

“Hug me back first!” Serim whined.

“You literally sent me straight to the floor, forgive me for making sure you didn’t make me break any bones.” Beomgyu smiled as he wrapped his arms around the older.

Serim rolled his eyes, “it wasn’t that bad, worst case is you lost some braincells, not that you have any to lose.” Serim laughed as Beomgyu slapped his back.

“Really though, what are you doing here?” Beomgyu sighed, resting his head back down.

“Get dressed, you’re coming to mine and Ravn’s place for a movie marathon!” Serim smiled as he stood up, pulling Beomgyu to his feet.

Beomgyu rubbed his eyes, “says who, exactly?”

“Me. Now hurry up.” Serim didn’t lose his smile and he dragged Beomgyu back to his room and shut the door behind him.

—————

“What are we going to watch exactly? Beomgyu stifled a yawn and he sat down beside Ravn.

“I never bothered to ask.” Ravn shrugged, “it’s better not to question it.”

Beomgyu nodded, he couldn’t exactly argue that logic.

“Popcorn!” Serim cheered as he sat down beside Beomgyu, putting the comedically large bowl on the table in front of them, he leaned over the other two (they both groaned about Serim basically lying on them), to reach the remote.

“Horror movies?” Serim looked at the two.

“If we have to.” Ravn grimaced.

“I’m a scaredy cat.” Beomgyu shrugged, “but I’m down.”

Serim smiled, “we can watch some marvel movies or something after.”

Ravn rolled his eyes, “you act like I didn’t catch you watching Moana this morning, singing and all.”

“Now I’ve gotta see that.” Beomgyu smiled.

Serim blushed and clicked the first movie he saw.

——————

Sadly, watching a movie doesn’t appease the loudness of Beomgyu’s mind, he couldn’t bring himself to pay attention to it.

He was just too tired, and simply didn’t feel like it.

Which didn’t make sense, he got a solid ten hours of sleep, and he loves movies, like loves, loves movies.

Had it always been this way?

He internally scolded himself.

It’s just because of the stress, probably because he isn’t used to being alone at the apartment. That was definitely it.

Ravn and Serim talked a lot during the movies, Beomgyu was the same without a doubt, Taehyun often scolded him and Kai for being too loud. But since he couldn’t bring himself to pay attention, his brain couldn’t come up with any witty complaints or questions.

It felt so weirdly alone. He felt alone again. But he didn’t feel it with Soobin. So what changed?

—————

As Serim walked him home, something clicked.

“Ravn didn’t know about me coming, did he?” Beomgyu looked at the older as they walked.

“No, why?” Serim raised an eyebrow, curious.

“Why did you invite me over today?”

“Because I wanted to hang out with you?”

“Without telling your roommate, or me for that matter?” Beomgyu raised an eyebrow.

“I didn’t want you to feel alone.” Serim shrugged.

“You’re being weird.” Beomgyu stopped walking, glaring at Serim accusingly.

Serim ran his hand through his freshly bleached hair, “No I’m not?”

“You are.”

“Am not.”

“Why did you invite me Serim? I know it wasn’t your idea.”

Serim let out a loud sigh, “Kai messaged me, he said that maybe you’d feel lonely.”

“So Kai told you to hang out with me?” Beomgyu spoke slowly.

“It’s not like that, Gyu. I wanted to hang out with you anyways, Kai just suggested it too.”

“Coincidental much?” Beomgyu scoffed.

“Gyu, you’re my friend, I don’t need someone to tell me to hang out with you. Where is this coming from?” Serim frowned.

“Apparently you do.” Beomgyu crossed his arms.

“What’s wrong, Gyu?”

“Oh I don’t know, maybe the fact that my close friend can’t hang out with me with his own free will? Did one of those two tell you to hang out with me tomorrow too?”

“No. They didn’t.” Serim snapped, then let out a long sigh, “where did you get the impression I didn’t want to hang out with you? Two people can have the same idea.”

Beomgyu bit the inside of his cheek and shook his head and started walking, “see you later.”

Serim walked after the younger, frowning, “Theres obviously something wrong here.”

“Fuck off, Serim.” Beomgyu said, not looking behind him.

“Beomgyu.” 

“Bye.”

———————

Beomgyu remembered something he read in a book once, back then he thought it made sense.

“Irritability and anger are the least talked about symptoms of depression, they often stem from the feeling of feeling worthless.”

Now, he thinks whoever wrote it is a fucking idiot.

It’s just stress. He’s fine.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really mediocre but I wanted to separate it because the next one is gonna be lonnnnggg and this feels out of place with it ._.
> 
> Christmas Day after this one then we get into the lovely dramatics and angst of young love <3
> 
> Have a good day<3  
> Comments are always appreciated <3

He had a sick feeling in his stomach when he got into his apartment. That was so very dramatic for no reason, but he couldn’t help it.

He was angry because he knew how his friends could be, especially Kai, who took to mothering him like it was his reason for existing. 

If he wanted to be alone he should be allowed to be alone.

If he wanted to see someone he could make his own plans.

He didn’t need his friends doing it for him. It made him feel insecure.

Though, for the time being, insecurity was replaced by guilt. Because he was the one being weird watching the movies, he was the one barely giving a smile to their jokes, he was the one unintentionally making this weird.

Serim did regularly hang out with Beomgyu, so him saying he already thought of it before Kai mentioned it was probably the truth. 

But there was that big ‘what if’. What if Serim was tired of him? What if Kai is only around him out of pity? What if they all secretly hate him? 

What if they don’t want him anymore?

He’d never dwelled much on the negative feeling before, just accepted it, it was what it was.

But looking at himself in the mirror, with his bright silver hair, his giant yellow hoodie Taehyun gifted to him a few birthdays ago, and the jeans blue ripped jeans Kai made him get when they first moved, he realised he had everything he ever needed.

He slowly allowed tears to finally fall, they stung at his eyes and they wouldn’t fall fast enough.

“I’m finally meant to be happy, so why aren’t I?”

————

Contrary to popular belief, Beomgyu was not tough, by any means. He may look stoic and serious, but he is the biggest baby ever.

So when he gets a knock on his door during his sixth round of crying, he opts to not move his face from the pillow. No one should be knocking anyways, no one delivered anything as far as he’s aware, if they did, they’re both aware of how Beomgyu is at being bothered to answer the door, so it’s their own faults really.

The knocking didn’t stop, to his irritation, and since he isn’t the biggest idiot to grace the planet (that’s Yeonjun, by the way) he had a good guess at who it was.

“It’s open!” He groaned, if Serim didn’t hear him, that’s his problem. 

He heard the door open and close and he mentally prepared himself for however this would turn out. It would probably end in his embarrassment or him being a dramatic bitch.

Serim knocked on his door, “why the fuck are you knocking again?” Beomgyu couldn’t help but lost out an irritated sigh.

“Hey, Gyu.” Serim spoke softly, standing in the door way.

“Hi.”

“You didn’t answer any of my texts.”

Beomgyu picked up his phone from beside him, not taking his face off the pillow, “it’s dead. See?”

“Ever heard of a charger?” Serim rolled his eyes, sitting on the edge of the bed. “And you should really learn to lock your door.”

“I’m lazy though.”

“I can’t hear you properly, please detach yourself from the pillow.”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because.”

“Why?”

“Because.”

“Why?”

“Stop it.”

Serim smiled and and lied down on the younger’s back, Beomgyu hit him in the head lazily. “You’d get a better shot if you stopped snogging the pillow.”

Beomgyu kicked Serim in the back, huffing.

“I guess you don’t hate me then?” Serim ruffled his hair.

“I never once said I did.”

“Still.” Serim grumbled.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“I should be. It came out of nowhere.”

“I know how it looked though, I would have been mad too, so don’t be.”

“I didn’t need to act like that though, I shouldn’t have gotten mad either, I was dramatic, so I’m sorry. Just accept it.” 

Serim smiled, “I know you’re in a committed relationship with this pillow, but can you look at me so I can say sorry too?”

“Well no because then it’ll break up with me.” Beomgyu replied.

“I’ll cry if you don’t.”

“The tissues are here.” Beomgyu snorted throwing a packet at, what he hoped was Serim’s annoying face.

Serim raised an eyebrow, “and you just keep them beside you?”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes and turned onto his side, Serim kneeled down beside his face and frowned. “Nope. You interrupted my sixth crying session, quite rudely may I add.” 

“Awww, Beomgyu.” Serim frowned, “come give me a hug,” Serim pouted making grabby hands.

“Are you five?” Beomgyu raised an eyebrow and rolled off the bed with a thump, “I can’t believe I got off my bed for you.”

“Well you’re still not hugging me.” Serim stuck his youngest out childishly.

Beomgyu rolled his eyes and bum shuffled over to Serim, wrapping his arms around him from the back and resting his head on the older shoulder.

“I’m meant to hug you, you’re an idiot.” Serim shook his head, smiling.

“Shut up.”

“You’re quite literally a baby, and when you sent it you further prove the point.” 

“Fuck you.” Beomgyu muttered.

“So what’s wrong anyways?” Serim yawned, taking one of Beomgyu’s hand from his waist and tracing his thumb over the younger’s knuckles.

“Plenty of things.” Beomgyu shrugged, “global warming, animals going extinct, yada yada.”

“Beomgyu.” Serim groaned.

Beomgyu sat for a minute, using his free hand to play with Serim’s hair, “I don’t know... do you think... that I don’t know...” he huffed, “do I make sense to you?”

“Of course..?” Serim tilted his head.

“You don’t get what I mean, do you?”

“Nope.”

Beomgyu let out a long sigh, “do you think... I’m like... am I too sarcastic sometimes? Am I a dick too often? Is my friendship worth anything.”

Serim sighed, detaching Beomgyu’s arms from his waist, he turned to face Beomgyu and crossed his legs, “do you wanna know what I think?”

Beomgyu nodded, fiddling with his sleeve.

“We’re literature students, so we both know we overanalyse things, right? Well sometimes when I look at you I think you hide yourself too much. Sometimes I see the soft you I guess? When you’re not thinking too much, but you hide yourself too much. The real you is so soft and caring and childish, in a good way, in a good way. But you make yourself seem standoffish and blunt. I don’t understand why you feel the need to do it.” Serim pulled Beomgyu towards him, pushing the younger’s head onto his lap and started playing with his knotted hair.

“Do you wanna know what I think?” Beomgyu sighed.

“What do you think?” Serim tilted his head.

“I don’t know why I do it. I don’t understand either.” Beomgyu let out a quiet, emotionless laugh.

“I think deep down you do, Gyu.” Serim replies softly.

“I’m serious, I don’t. I sit and I think about it and the only thing I can think off is so dumb. Am I afraid of being happy? That’s dumb no ones afraid of that, like seriously, I’ve wracked my brain so for long and I can’t figure it out.” Beomgyu said.

Serim shook is head “I think we both know that’s exactly it. I think there’s more to it than that, but I think we both know you deny things for as long as you can.”

“Y’know I look at myself sometimes and I get a headache.” Beomgyu sighed.

“I think it’s because you’ve avoided this shit too long and you don’t wanna face it.” Serim sighed back.

“Maybe you’re onto something. But really, I just don’t know why I feel certain things or why I do things.” Beomgyu grimaced.

“Will you tell me about it?”

“I can’t.”

“You should y’know . I understand that maybe you don’t wanna tell me. But tell Kai or Taehyun. The longer you avoid it the more it’ll hurt you.”

“When did you get so wise?”

“I binged ‘Lord of the Rings’ last night.”

——————

It’s like drowning but the end never comes. Beomgyu decided this one of the first times he felt this heaviness. 

He was fourteen at the time, finally starting to grow up. Back then the very idea of being an adult was enticing, not being restricted to curfews and his moms terrible cooking.

If he could go back in time and say anything to himself, it would be “you absolute dumbfuck”. Because his cooking is way worse than his mother’s, but no curfew was nice, but then again his late nights away are never under good circumstances. 

But his passions never disappeared, in fact that very first rut shaped his life so positive way, he became more open with his friends, he started writing stories, he found his favourite book, he learned to dance, he finally tried mint chocolate ice cream (he hated it) and he finally accepted life wouldn’t be all sunshine and rainbows.

He missed the innocence he had back then.

—————

The clock on his home hit 00:00 and Beomgyu decided that this Christmas could already go and fuck itself.

He has barely convinced Serim to leave two hours ago (he enjoyed the company but had been way too vulnerable for one day), then he had to ignore eighteen calls from Taehyun and Kai each (he wasn’t a child that needed to be checked up on, a simple text would suffice) and spilt his coffee.

And somehow it had slipped under his radar that Soobin and Yeonjun would be joining the Christmas festivities at Ravn and Serim’s apartment.

Too much social interaction. From people he actually likes aswell. 

He debated going for a walk again and texting Yeonjun, he doesn’t want to talk but he doesn’t want to be alone.

As tiring as Yeonjun can be (plus confusing and flirtatious) he helped, somehow. 

So he grabbed one of his hoodies that was lying on his desk, grabbed his phone, and when he sat down to tie his laces, he called Yeonjun.

“Merry Christmas?” Yeonjun’s muffled voice sounded tired, Beomgyu felt a little guilty.

“You too? Are you busy?”

“Who is ever busy at midnight?”

“I don’t know what you get up to on your weekends.”

“I’m going to ignore that. Why you asking?”

“Wanna go to the park again?”

“You sound like a five year old, but sure, but only if we get to build a snowman.”

“It’s snowing?”

“Yep.”

“Okay, see you soon.”

Beomgyu didn’t believe Yeonjun when he hung up the call, he went back into his room again and cracked up the curtains.

There was literally snow everywhere. Beomgyu felt child like excitement grow as he looked through his drawers for a pair of gloves.

Who doesn’t love snow? Beomgyu wondered as he walked out of the apartment and down the stairs. You’d have to literally be insane, or maybe just sensible, because the cold is... well it’s cold, and he can understand that. But snow is pretty and fun, so it cancels out that one little negative.

Once he stepped out onto the street he stood for a moment and looked up at the sky, grinning to himself when snow landed on his face.

He quite enjoyed the walk towards the park, the streets were empty, usually there would be the odd car, but there was nothing, no lights were on in the houses.

He kept an eye out for the bright blue hair, he reached the park without seeing his Sonic. So found a smile on his face as he started scrapping up snow and moulding it into a decent sized ball, he kept his freezing hand behind his back as he continued on.

He spotted Yeonjun on their usual bench, his eyes glued to his phone screen. 

Beomgyu carefully walked behind the bench, basically shuffling along the snow (it was quieter than walking, he’d tested both out) and with a sly grin he dropped the ball on Yeonjun’s head.

“What the fuck!” Beomgyu couldn’t comprehend how Yeonjun was up so quickly, but seeing the surprise and confusion written all over his face Beomgyu couldn’t help but double over in loud laughter.

“You little shit, Beomgyu!” Yeonjun could hear the amusement in Yeonjun’s voice when he spoke, his smile grew and he wiped his eyes.

“I couldn’t help it.” Beomgyu shrugged, sitting down on the bench.

“You’re getting it later.” 

“That’s fair. You have to admit I got you good though.”

Yeonjun pulled a face and brushed any remaining snow off his hood, “you could say that. What’s up anyways?”

“Just needed some company.”

“More like someone to bully.” Yeonjun muttered.

“You shouldn’t expect anything less from me.” Beomgyu shrugged.

Yeonjun smiled, “so I’m your favourite company nowadays?” He inched his face closer to Beomgyu’s.

Beomgyu rolled his eyes and pushed Yeonjun’s face away with his hands, the older making a disgruntled noise as Beomgyu assumed any excess snow on his glove was not stuck to Yeonjun, “Don’t flatter yourself.”

“I swear you’re trying to give me hypothermia.”

“I was going for a heart attack.”

Yeonjun rolled his eyes, “you’re acting normal today.”

“Are you calling me a weirdo?”

“You know what I mean.”

“Maybe I’m just accepting I don’t need to be ashamed of secretly being a child.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“Usually I wouldn’t believe that, but the way you laughed at me does back that up.”

“Can I be honest for a sec before we make Olaf?”

“Olaf? I wish that was possible, Gyu.”

“You never know until you try, fuck gravity.” Beomgyu shrugged.

Yeonjun shook his head, “anyways, yeah go ahead.”

“I had a hard time realising I was gay, and I’ve never really had a proper crush on a guy, more like those far away ones, y’know? I’ll admit now I kinda like like you, although the way you introduced yourself those first two times certainly didn’t work in your favour. I’m stubborn as fuck, so after the first times we met I didn’t want to give you the satisfaction of me warming up to you, so I was kinda an asshole, plus I was going through some stuff with Kai and Taehyun, that’s not an excuse but I’m sorry. I’m really not that much of an asshole, just a little scared sometimes.”

Yeonjun looked at him fondly, “did you just have a breakthrough?”

“This is more like a post-breakthrough.”

“Well I’m proud.” Yeonjun swatted Beomgyu’s hand away when he went to slap him, “I figured. I’ve seen you hang out with your friends, Kai’s too much of a gentle soul to be friends with an asshole.” Beomgyu hummed in agreement, “don’t be sorry, I shouldn’t have done what I did, it probably made me look like a player, I’ll go on record I’m not, I just believe in love at first sight.”

“Oh my god, you’re who Soobin meant.” Beomgyu groaned, “you damn hopeless romantics.”

“You’re the one that basically just confessed to me.” Yeonjun smirked.

Beomgyu hopped onto his feet and started scooping snow into a pile, “let’s make a snowman.”


	14. Maze in the Mirror, Can’t You See Me, 1/3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope whoever’s reading has a great day<3  
> Twt: @SuckerForJilix  
> AU Acc: @ChloeCrumbles

“I’m sorry you did what?” Serim choked on his cola.

They’re we’re currently having their Mario kart tournament, Soobin and Ravn were having a good go at yelling at each other while they raced, Yeonjun, Serim and himself had been irking them on, but if Beomgyu kept this to himself any longer he’d freak out, especially with Yeonjun acting so clingy now. 

So here they were, standing in the kitchen, the perfect place to have secret conversations.

“I didn’t mean to, I just wanted to apologise.” Beomgyu groaned.

Serim laughed into his drink, “you’re currently my biggest source of entertainment.”

“Fuck you.”

“Have you told Kai and Taehyun yet?”

Beomgyu pulled a face at that, Serim raised an eyebrow, “you haven’t?”

Beomgyu grimaced, “I haven’t talked to them.. at all.”

“Beomgyu!” Serim shook his head disapprovingly.

“In my defence, I have no defence.” Beomgyu pulled a face at his own lack of creativity.

Serim frowned, “call them.”

“I was planning to tonight.”

“No, now.”

Beomgyu raised an eyebrow and pointed behind him, “but Mario kart-“

“Now Beomgyu.”

Beomgyu huffed and took his phone out of his pocket, Serim placed his head on his shoulder, “fifty three notifications each? Beomgyu..”

“Stop sounding disappointed, do that after I’ve called them.”

Serim rolled his eyes, Beomgyu clicked ring on their group chat, settling for putting the camera more on Serim than him, he bit the bottom of his lip when Taehyun and Kai both agreed on the screen, he could see one of Taehyun’s little cousins running around in the back of Taehyun’s camera.

“Hi?” Beomgyu smiled and awkwardly waved, Serim couldn’t help but snort.

“Why haven’t you been answering our calls?” Kai sat his phone down against something and crossed his arms.

“You’re a dick.” Taehyun added, sitting down on what Beomgyu assumes was the floor.

“Would you believe a raccoon stole my found and Serim just got it back for me?”

“No.” Kai and Taehyun looks purely unimpressed, Serim elbowed him, “don’t make me apart of your sorry excuses!”

“I was just feeling super down and unsure.” Beomgyu muttered. “Can we forget about it for now and talk about it when you guys get back?”

Taehyun smiled softly, “okay, well you seem busy right now, either that or you guys have some really loud robbers, we’re going to eat now so can we call tonight?”

“We’ll be getting back from my grandmas around nine so I’m free after that.” Kai nodded.

“Okay, well you guys call whenever, I’ll answer.” Beomgyu and Serim both waved and Beomgyu ended the call.

“You’re full of breakthroughs now, I’m proud.” Serim smiled.

Beomgyu rolled his eyes and turned to go, Serim grabbed his wrist, “hows your story going?”

“Fine?” Beomgyu raised an eyebrow.

“Have you checked on it recently?”

“I’ve been preoccupied, you being one of the reasons.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “why?”

Serim grinned and linked his arm with Beomgyu, “no reason.”

Beomgyu and Serim looked at eachother quizzically as they walked in.

Just to paint the picture:

When they left Soobin and Ravn has been on opposite ends of the sofa, Yeonjun had been on the floor eating popcorn, putting on different Christmas songs.

Now walking in, they witness a couch pillow Soobin get hit by a couch pillow, Soobin then takes said pillow and jumps in front of Ravn’s side of the screen, his controller completely abandoned. Yeonjun, somehow the normal one in this situation, is standing in the corner of the room holding in his laughter.

“We left for two minutes?” Serim sighed, taking two couch cushions and sitting them in front of the couch, he clicked his fingers at Yeonjun and pointed to the cushion beside him. Yeonjun got the hint and took a seat, Beomgyu kneeled there awkwardly.

“Sit on your boyfriend.” Serim smirked, Beomgyu look as though he was about to slap him in the face but was stopped by Yeonjun pulling him onto his lap and putting his head on his shoulder.

Serim then proceeded to turn off the switch.

“What the fuck, Serim!” Ravn groaned, elbowing Soobin, who had miraculously made his way through the mess and beside Ravn.

“Does that mean I technically never lost?” Soobin asked hopefully. He was met with silence.

“Let’s watch a Christmas movie, and do some Christmas crackers please, walking in on this is about to give me flirty wrinkles too many.” Serim sighed, stealing the remote off of Ravn and started scrolling through Netflix. 

Ravn stood up and made his way to the doorway, “where did you put the crackers?”

“Under your bed.”

“Of course you did.”

The room was silent, until Soobin decided to open his big mouth.

“So you two are dating now?” Soobin tilts his head.

Beomgyu choked on his popcorn right fucking then, Yeonjun having the same sentiments but with the air he was breathing.

“Is that a yes?” Soobin raised an eyebrow.

Serim presses his lips together, trying not to laugh, “yeah, are you dating?”

Yeonjun cleared his throat and Beomgyu went back to his popcorn.

“.. Is Beomgyu not gay?” Soobin asked tentatively, “Yeonjun have you been crushing on a straight?”

“No, Beomgyu is gay.” Serim smiled.

“So they are dating?” 

“Ravn, where are you with those crackers?” Beomgyu yelled.

“I’m knee deep under a bed, give me a break!” He yelled back.

Yeonjun clicked his tongue, “so, has anyone seen this one anyway?”

“Everyone knows it’s a new one.” Soobin rolled his eyes. “And I’m trying to help you shoot your shot here, work with me.”

They went silent again, Ravn came back into the room grumbling, “why do you store everything under my bed?”

“It’s convenient.” Serim shrugged, clicking start in the movie, “you came in at a great time, these two hopeless idiots can’t even get a hint.”

Beomgyu side eyed Serim, irritated, “What were you trying to hint to exactly?”

“Soobin do you have any mistletoe, or what?” Serim groaned.

“Yeonjun probably has some in his pocket.” Soobin shrugged, looking at Yeonjun expectingly.

“Let’s play the silent game while we watch the movie, sounds fun, yeah? Yeah.”

—————

Sometimes, Beomgyu questions his choices.

Because, really, it’s his choice to be empty, isn’t it? It’s his choice to worry and stress. 

To freak out and leave.

To not answer messages.

To cry because his mind is an empty abyss that he so easily falls it to.

To not be like anyone else.

————

“What happened today, anyways?” Taehyun raised an eyebrow.

They’d been on call for two hours now, Kai had recently fallen asleep, the other two had been silent for the most part.

“Mario Kart, kind of a pillow fight? I negotiated Serim out of baking, movie and Christmas crackers.” Beomgyu counted them off his fingers as he spoke.

“No, I mean why did you leave?”

“How do you even know about that?”

“Take a guess.”

Beomgyu pulled a face, “do you guys always talk about me?”

“Sometimes.” Taehyun shrugged.

“Well atleast your honest.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“Can you blame us? Like Serim said, you ran away. Tell me why?”

“Ain’t nothing but a heartache?” Beomgyu looked at Taehyun hopefully, just to be met with a scowl.

“I’m serious.”

“I just... don’t get me wrong I had fun, but it was just too much.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“That’s not telling me what happened.”

“Serim and Soobin were just teasing me and Yeonjun.” Beomgyu shrugged, “it just became unbearable.”

“You know Yeonjun and Ravn were disappointed, right?”

Beomgyu raised an eyebrow, “were they now?”

“Yeonjun didn’t get to give you his present, Ravn said you were the only other normal one there. Don’t know where he got that idea from.” Taehyun pulled a face and Beomgyu quietly laughed.

“Oh, trust me, what we had to sit through was literally insane. It would have even made you look normal.”

“Fuck you.”

“Ew, gross.”

Taehyun rolled his eyes, “why are you acting weird again?”

“I’m not.”

“Are to.”

“Am not.”

“Are to.”

“Am not.”

“Stop being childish for a second, please.”

“I’m not.”

Taehyun let out a long sigh, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“I’m here for you.”

“I know.”

“Do you not trust me?”

“You know I do.”

“So, why won’t you tell me?”

“There’s nothing to tell?”

“You know there is.”

“It’s nothing.”

“So there is something.”

“I literally just said it was nothing.”

“Why won’t you tell me?”

“I’ll talk to you later, it’s late.”

“Gyu.”

“Night.”

Beomgyu sat there in silence after he ended the call, the card Ravn had given him and the little toy spring he had won out of the cracker against Soobin.

Everything felt so empty. He’d never been like this during a holiday before, it felt like he violated some code.

Usually Christmas was his favourite time of year, he adored snow, he loved the excitement that everyone shared, he loved the movies, the music, their Christmas Day traditions. But today he couldn’t bring himself to feel any of it.

He felt guilty, he had been having fun despite himself, so why didn’t he feel it?

Sure the others annoyed him a little, but that was nothing, usually it would be nothing, but their light jabs left a nagging feeling at the back of his mind.

Usually he’d easily hide it, he’d brush it off, no problem, burying the feelings deep under everything else, he could be happy on the outside, he had the strength to do it, the energy to do it.

The thing is, ever since Beomgyu was young he was prideful. Prideful in his position in taking care of his friends, it’s what people noticed he was good at, it was something he felt good at, something that mads him feel needed. That pride was so strong it stopped him from falling apart.

Now he just feels defeated. He’s never been this bad before, he’s never been this tired, or irritated, or just plain lonely.

He couldn’t even grasp why he felt the way he did, his emotions happened without checking in with his brain. He hated that, he wanted to be fun and loveable, not just a bundle of emotions that no one understands, simply because he wouldn’t let them.

Maybe that’s why he loved music so much though, people make him feel understood without even knowing him. It’s magical in that way.

He stares at the guitar in the corner of the room, he hadn’t touched it since they moved here. The whole thing had been Kai’s idea, Taehyun and Beomgyu learned to play guitar and Kai tried piano, it was all a big excuse to spend as much time as possible together when Kai’s dad wanted to move away. In the end they didn’t, thank god, but they kept playing anyways.

They used to make really dumb songs to make each other smile, the music teacher always looked ready to cry when they came in after school, the songs were really they bad. But they were fun and innocent.

One thing they all had on their bucket lists though, was writing a song, the prospect of it seemed so enticing back then, but the work that had to be put in to do it make none of them eager to really try.

He shook his head and picked up the guitar and turned the light on, he grabbed a random piece of paper and a pen and hit record on his phone.

He wasn’t wanted. Not needed. Just tolerated.

But this could ease the pain of that.

—————

Beomgyu groaned when he heard a knock on his door. He actually wishes it was a burglar, atleast that way they could come in and take what they want and Beomgyu could carry on with what he was doing.

“It’s open!” He yelled, Kai would probably kill him for never locking the door.

He sighed and flopped down on his bed when he heard the front door open, “this room, over here!”

Black hair peeked through the door and Beomgyu shot up in surprise, “Soobin?”

He smiled nervously and nodded, closing the door behind him, “you really should lock that.”

Beomgyu shrugged, “I don’t really care, what do you need anyway? How did you even get my address?” Beomgyu raised an eyebrow.

“Yeonjun told me when I asked him.” Soobin shrugged, “can I-uh sit?”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “you don’t need to ask.”

Soobin smiled nervously again, looking around the room, “did I interrupt something?” He raised an eyebrow when his stare settled on the guitar.

“No. Stop being so awkward please?”

“Sorry.”

Beomgyu sighed, “so?”

Soobin shrugged, “I’m sorry.”

Beomgyu raised an eyebrow, “okay, first of all, you have nothing to be sorry for, second of all, you could have easily said that through text and saved yourself the walk.”

“You youngsters rely too much on technology.” Soobin shook his head.

“Introverts actually.”

“Can’t argue that. Do you wanna watch a movie?”

“You came here just to apologise for who knows what and to watch a movie?” Beomgyu raised an eyebrow.

“Shut up it sounds awkward when you say it like that, think of it as a late night hang out.”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, reaching to grab the laptop on his desk.

“Let me guess, the password is unicorns?”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “try again.”

“Puppies?”

“Nope.”

“I love Soobin?”

“Nope.”

“Teddy bears?”

Beomgyu blushes, “maybe.”

“You’re so secretly soft!” Soobin grinned pinching Beomgyu’s cheeks, the younger swatting him away.

“What do you fancy watching?” Beomgyu tilted his head.

“You pick this time.” Soobin smiled, lying down beside Beomgyu. “We don’t know eachother as well as I wish we did.”

Beomgyu started typing somethibg into the searchbar, he stopped and looked at Soobin, “we’ve spent plenty of time together?”

“I know, I know. But we don’t know personal things about each other, I had no clue you played the guitar!”

Beomgyu shook his head, “this movie okay?”

Soobin frowned, “it looks sad.”

“It is, the books good so I’m hoping this will be.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“Good enough for me.” Soobin smiled and hit play. “I’m serious though. Most personal things I know about you are from Yeonjun.”

“Yeonjun doesn’t know a lot of personal things about me though?” Beomgyu raised an eyebrow, not taking his eyes off the screen.

“That’s my point.” Soobin groaned and started trying to talk, in what he assumed, was Yeonjun’s voice, “Beomgyu is so soft and childish sometimes it’s so cute. Beomgyu likes to write things, I bet he’s amazing and talented. Did you see Beomgyu at dance practice today?”

Beomgyu snickered (and pretended a light blush didn’t make its way to his face) “so you really know all there is to me then?

“Clearly.” Soobin rolled his eyes.

“There’s not much to know anyway.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“You don’t know plenty about me either.” Soobin raised an eyebrow.

Beomgyu shrugged again, “you’ll tell me what you want me to know when you want to. Not shut up I wanna see if you cry.”

————

“Why would you suggest this kind of movie?” Soobin sniffled, taking a tissue when Beomgyu offered him one.

“I cried too, y’know.” Beomgyu sniggered.

“But this is embarrassing!” Soobin whined.

Beomgyu smiled, “well I learned something surprising about you.”

“How is to surprising? Once when I was drunk I cried over a refrigerator add because the couple in it loved each other so much.” Soobin grimaced.

“I have to watch that now.”

Soobin rolled his eyes, “by the way can I hear whatever you were playing?”

“I wasn’t playing a song.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“That’s like the only thing you can do with a guitar though?” Soobin raised an eyebrow, standing up to stretch.

“Okay it’s not a song song.”

“What does that mean?”

“Nevermind.”

“Wait, were you like making one yourself?” Soobin jumped excitedly on the bed, “I wanna hear it!”

“You can hear it when it’s done, you can sing apart of it if you want.” Beomgyu closed down his laptop and yawned.

“Wait really?”

“Mhm.”

“How?”

“Music tech is one of my classes.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“I never knew that.” Soobin frowned.

“Maybe you were right, we don’t know a lot about each other.”

“We will be friends forever, just you wait and see.”

“Did you just quote Winnie-The-Pooh?”

————

I n f r o n t o f t h e m i r r o r , I g i v e i n  
I t ‘ s t o o d a r k h e r e

————

“Can I ask a question?”

Beomgyu fiddled with his hoodie sleeve, the sweet smell of coffee and the chattering strangers eased his nerves, he didn’t even know were they came from, but it eased them nonetheless.

“Shoot.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“Who was your first gay crush?” Yeonjun tilted his head.

Beomgyu choked on his coffee, “I’m sorry, what?”

“Would you rather I call it ‘The Gay Awakening?’”

“Shut up.”

“I still expect an answer.”

Beomgyu sighed, “remember Zuko from ‘Avatar’?”

Yeonjun bit his bottom lip, trying not to laugh, “you liked Zuko?”

“You’re telling me you didn’t like a tall guy, with dark hair, that controlled fire and has an amazing arc about redemption?” Beomgyu raised an eyebrow.

“Not in that way no, you do hold a good point I guess.” Yeonjun shrugged, “remember that green haired guy from ‘Pokémon’?”

“There’s a lot of strange hair colours in that show, be more specific.”

“The one that believed that Pokemon and humans should be the same?”

“No way, you liked N?” Beomgyu held his hand to his mouth, trying to contain his laughter.

“What’s so funny?”

“Zuko is way better gay awakening material, I’d accept his as a second or third, but a first? No way.”

“I was absolutely in love with his hair.”

“Of course you were.”

————

P l e a s e f i n d m e p l e a s e

————

“Why do we have to come here if we’re not here for a practice?” Beomgyu whined as Yeonjun practically dragging Beomgyu into the practice room.

“I thought you liked dancing?” Yeonjun raised an eyebrow, manhandling Beomgyu through the door.

“I do! Just not this early, I haven’t had coffee yet!” Beomgyu whined, lying down on the floor.

Yeonjun shook his head, sitting down beside the younger, “can you plllleaase teach me a dance?”

Beomgyu sighed, “what one?”

“You’re suddenly on board?”

“The quicker this is done the quicker I get my coffee.” Beomgyu sighed, standing up and pulled Yeonjun up with him.

“Hala Hala?” Yeonjun smiled at him hopefully.

Beomgyu sighed again, but smiled, “Hala Hala.”

————

P u s h m e i n t h e m i r r o r  
I n t h a t c o l d a n d d i v i d e d s h a p e

————

“You little fucking shit!” Soobin yelled.

Beomgyu cackled and ran away to the sink, trying to fill up the cup with more water.

“Hey, Beomgyu?”

Beomgyu jumped and turned around, biting his lip as he realised who it was.

“What was that for!” Yeonjun yelled trying to get the cup out of Beomgyu’s hands.

“I thought you were Soobin!” 

“I have bright blue hair!”

“I lack eyes on the back of my head.”

Beomgyu felt cold arms snake around his waist and lift him up bridal style, “Soobin, you dick!”

Soobin grinned as he carried an angry Beomgyu to the bathroom, putting him in the now full bath.

Yeonjun laughed as he poked his head around the door.

“These were the only clothes I brought!” Beomgyu whined, “you dick!”

“That’s what you get!”

Beomgyu grinned and splashed Soobin, the older screamed when the cold water hit his face.

“Is this a bad time to say I’m recording this?” Robbing asked biting his lip.

“Okay now it’s your turn.” Beomgyu scowled as he got out the bath, Soobin already chasing after the oldest.

—————

I n f r o n t o f t h e m i r r o r , I g i v e i n

—————

“I dibs Lester Square!” Soobin declared as he put his car on the start tile.

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “believe me, no one was going to fight you for it.”

Yeonjun smiled, “if we get to dibs places now can I dibs Old Kent Road.”

“Yeah no, hats can’t dibs places.” Beomgyu shook his head, “also I dibs Bond Street.” 

“Oh and dogs can?” Soobin raised an eyebrow.

“Who put a two pence in you?”

—————

E v e n i f it h u r t s , y o u c a n ‘ t f i g h t a n y m o r e

—————

“Did you miss us?” Kai grinned as he hugged Beomgyu.

“Definitely not.” Beomgyu hugged him tight.

“I bet you just missed having someone to cuddle.” Taehyun shook his head.

“Pretty much.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“Atkeast you two weren’t surrounded by shrieking children.” Kai groaned, “come on let’s watch a movie.”

“Kai you’re literally just through the door?” Taehyun raised an eyebrow.

“Cleaning up and what not can wait, movie now.” Kai said grabbing both of their wrists and dragging them to the sofa.

—————

“So are we going to talk now?” Taehyun asked as he turned on Beomgyu’s bedroom light.

“Do we really have to do it now?” Beomgyu groaned.

“Yes.” Taehyun rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, he got under the covers with Beomgyu. 

“Do we really have to though?” Beomgyu put a pillow over his face.

“Stop asking and just accept it.” Taehyun rolled his eyes, trying to pry the pillow away from the losers face.

“Did I tell you I told Yeonjun I liked him?” Beomgyu face peeked through from under the pillow blushing. 

“You did what?” Taehyun whisper yelled, fully taking the pillow, glaring at Beomgyu.

“I kinda accidentally told him I liked him?”

“Are you dating now?”

“No?”

“Beomgyu,” Taehyun groaned, “you are genuinely hopeless, and as much as I would love to rip apart your poor strategies when it comes to your love life, we are not going to get off topic.”

“Why do you think there’s something wrong?” Beomgyu raised an eyebrow.

“Because you’ve acted this way before?”

“When exactly?”

“Your dad leaving, moving into high school, coming out, that one time you thought we hated you?” Taehyun counted them off on his fingers as he spoke.

Beomgyu shook his head, (he wanted to say there had been plenty more times, if anything those were somehow the easiest to deal with, being more worried than empty), “so? Maybe it’s just like, I don’t know, midlife crisis?

“You’re 19.”

“Any time could be your midlife, we don’t know when we’ll die.” Beomgyu crosses his arms.

“That’s morbid.” Taehyun frowned.

“Truthful though, you’ve got to admit.”

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

“I would if there was anything to tell.”

“You’re not usually so stubborn.”

“I’m not being stubborn.”

“That’s a load of shit, what are you being then?”

“Truthful.”

“You know what, you’ll tell me when you’re ready, good night, Gyu.” Taehyun let out a long sigh as he walked out of the room and shut the door.

Beomgyu smiled to himself, it was sad really. He was lonely, lonely in such a horribly deep way, that in an instant he can see just how deep the loneliness can run. 

The saddest part of it all though, was that it was his own doing.

——————

P l e a s e d o n ‘ t g i v e u p o n m e


	15. Maze in the Mirror, Can’t You See Me? 2/3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a good day<3  
> Comments are appreciated <3  
> Twt: @SuckerForJilix feel free to dm <3
> 
> 09/07 - Fucks sake, there’s so many wrong words in here (my autocorrect has stuff against me), it doesn’t let me edit the words so hopefully it isn’t too hard to decipher.

C a n ‘ t y o u h e a r i t ?  
M y v o i c e s e a r c h e s f o r y o u

—————

Life fell back into the same sort of routine. 

Classes were starting up again in a few days, there were plenty of mixed feelings about that.

One one hand, it made him feel like he had something to work towards, having nothing to do made him feel plain useless.

On the other hand, it meant more socialising and more tiredness.

And on a miraculously grown third hand, Kai and Taehyun insist they either do a movie morning and game night, every day until classes start back up.

It was dumb that he struggled to handle it. Being happy with his family, that he’d rather wallow in his sadness, alone in the dark, then go and laugh and be normal.

He knew they wouldn’t understand that, not that they wouldn’t try, but they never felt the need to store their emotions away, they were bulking with what they felt.

It’s suffocating to be around happiness when you can’t really feel it though. All he feels is the empty void of his heart, the stinging of his eyes because the tears just won’t come, and the deep shame and guilt of feeling this way.

He always manages to sabotage himself just when he’s ready to really feel happy.

The pretending hurt to, having to wear the same smile without ever really feeling it, being so detached and somehow knowing when to respond in the conversation even if he has no clue what it’s about, having to keep a secret because it hurts so badly.

They don’t think there’s anything wrong. Technically there wasn’t. Nothing life changing has happened. Nothing bad has happened.

It’s just Beomgyu, raining on everyone’s parade again.

—————

“So, you and Yeonjun?” Kai smirked as he handed Beomgyu coffee.

Beomgyu went red, “what about us?”

“You and him hung out a lot while we were away?”

“Who told you that?”

“Yeonjun.”

Beomgyu let out an irritated sigh, “of course he did.”

Kai laughed, “what else do you expect from your Romeo?”

“He’s not my Romeo.” Beomgyu grumbled, taking a sip of his coffee.

“You say that like he hasn’t walked you home, kissed you, went to the park with you, and went on a million dates with you.” Taehyun rolled his eyes, sitting down beside Beomgyu and throwing and arm around the oldest shoulders.

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “you’re taking all of that out of context.”

Kai shook his head, pouring some cereal into a bowl, “I think you’ll find you’re not putting them into context.”

Taehyun sniggered, “Beomgyu’s in love~”

“Shut up.”

“Touchy?” Kai frowned.

“I’m going back to bed.” Beomgyu stretches as he stood up.

“You just got up?” Taehyun raised an eyebrow.

Beomgyu shrugged, “didn’t sleep well.”

—————

O n c e a g a i n I ‘ m l e f t a l o n e

—————

Beomgyu spends most of the day hauled up in his room, curled up into his blankets, and still somehow feels cold.

The others give him space, he isn’t sure if that’s what he wants. It should be right? Then he can’t get mad at anyone.

But then no ones there to drown his sadness. No ones there to warm his heart.

He’s just alone and he’s barely started building his walls.

—————

“ S a v e m e “

—————

Beomgyu has been up most of the night, scribbling down music notes, he’d probably be too loud to actually play, but this would do.

A soft knock echoed in the room. Or maybe he just felt like it did.

“What’s up?” Beomgyu doesn’t look up from his notepad. 

Kai said nothing until he sat down beside Beomgyu, snuggling into his side, “barely saw you today.”

“And?” Beomgyu raised an eyebrow, not taking his eyes off the paper.

“I missed you. What are you writing?” Kai tried to peek a look, Beomgyu sat it face down on his stomach.

“We live together, Kai. Nothing.” Beomgyu held his arms out, Kai happily cuddled him. Beomgyu stole the notepad from between them, stuffing it down the side of his bed 

“Doesn’t mean I can’t miss you. Tell me~” Kai whined.

“It doesn’t make sense. Maybe later.”

“Didn’t you miss me?” Kai pouted.

“Of course.”

“Then why doesn’t it make sense?”

“Because you missed me.”

—————

C a n ‘ t y o u s e e m e ?

—————

Beomgyu and Kai are woken by Taehyun hitting a pot and pan off of each other. 

“It’s wakey-wakey time!” Taehyun yelled, not stopping the war splitting noise.

Beomgyu groaned, “the neighbours will hate us.”

“The neighbours get to hear my angelic voice, that’s a gift they should be thankful for.” Taehyun crosses his arms.

“Oh thank god, it stopped.” Kai scowled, sitting up to glare at Taehyun.

“You guys are the ones that had a cuddle party without me.” Taehyun whined.

“No ones stopping you from joining.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“Oh trust me, we’re having a cuddle extravaganza tonight, right now though we’re getting up to watch ‘A Quiet Place.’” Taehyun stopped at the doorway, “I’m giving you five minutes or I’m back in here, with the speaker, hitting that pot and pan together to the tune of that barbie song.”

“Great threat.” Beomgyu muttered when he knew Taehyun wasn’t there.

“You know that would be hell though.” Kai pulled a face, standing up and stretching. “C’mon, Gyu.”

Beomgyu sighed and took Kai’s hand.

He missed them, but was too tired for this.

——————

D a n c i n g f i r e a t t h e e n d o f t h e w o r l d

——————

“I truthfully don’t get why they keep the sports thingyies open during holidays.” Kai groaned, kicking the snow off his shoes at the dance room doorway.

“You’re lively today.” Yeonjun raised an eyebrow.

“He hasn’t had six spoonfuls of sugar yet.” Beomgyu shrugged, pulling Kai to the floor with him.

“Don’t tell me he actually does that.” Soobin pulled a face as he started stretching.

“No he just puts three in his coffee.” Taehyun sniggered, hitting Yeonjun over the head.

“What was that for?” Yeonjun elbowed him back.

“You know what that’s for!” Taehyun rolled his eyes.

“Children these days.” Beomgyu sighed.

“Tell me about it.” Soobin walked to the speaker, and started playing the music.

—————

W i t h r e s e n t m e n t , m y h e a r t i s h e a v y

—————

“I’m only friends with you because Kai’s friends with you.” Taehyun teased, poking Beomgyu in the hip, the older yelped.

The thing is, Taehyun and Beomgyu tease each other all the time, this isn’t anything rare. But sometimes Taehyun goes too far without realising it.

Beomgyu rolled his eyes and shoved him away. “Asshole.”

“Too far?”

Beomgyu shook his head and smiled, “no.”

Taehyun grinned and hit him in the face with a pillow.

—————

The thing was Beomgyu was finally starting to build his life back to normality, but he was fragile during this process, he was a house of cards just waiting to be blow over.

Taehyun blew the cards down to bedrock.

—————

C a u s e y o u d o n ‘ t u n d e r s t a n d m e

—————

Beomgyu finally decided to get a job.

All three of them were initially meant to try and get a job at a cafe not far from their apartment that was doing some mass hiring. 

Beomgyu decided to chicken out (he really hates himself for that), Taehyun and Kai followed suit, Beomgyu called them dumb children for that.

But he was tired of relying on his mom who he never talks to, he knew it was different for Kai and Taehyun, but he would never tell them how different their worlds are.

And he could use an excuse to get away from them whenever things are too much.

Maybe that was the main reason. 

————

Beomgyu found out the day before they went back to classes that he had got the job at a cafe that was around a half an hour walk away. 

He personally thought it had went horribly, he was to fidgety and and didn’t get enough words in his answers. He assumed that they were just that desperate for new workers.

“Why did you want a job anyways? Last year you didn’t?” Taehyun raised an eyebrow, stealing the bag of crisps away from Beomgyu and Kai.

“I’m an adult, Taehyun.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“You make amazing coffee, Gyu, but you do know you don’t make it the same way in a cafe, right?” Kai asked tentatively.

Beomgyu pinched the bridge of his nose, “you act like I’ve never been to a cafe before.”

“He acts as if you’re his child.” Taehyun snorted.

“Sorry for caring, son.” Kai sighed.

“Never, for the love of god, call me son again.” Beomgyu glared.

“But you’re my sunshine!” Kai whined, Taehyun gagged at that.

——————

Beomgyu practically counted down the days until he started, mostly out of nerves, or fully, but who was to say.

He hadn’t seen Soobin or Yeonjun in a few days, he’d recurved messages from both, he always replied with memes and gradually they would stop messaging.

Classes were somewhat easier now, he wasn’t particularly bothered, his nerves had grown because he wanted to record the songs he’d started to write. His professor was lovely and would probably have zero objections, it didn’t stop him from worrying though.

He didn’t really know how he was meant to introduce himself, in hind sight this maybe wasn’t a good idea.

He had too much time to think as he walked, even with the music blaring through his earphones at a way too high volume, and the not bad scenery to look at, he let his mind run.

He’d grown used to the emptiness lately, it was easier to not fight it, trying to be happy made it hurt more, it was really quite depressing.

He’d tried googling any kind of thing that would help, natural remedies, medication, for any of that he had to admit to actually having the problem. He searched farther and found a darker side to it on the internet, enticing as it was he couldn’t go down that route.

So he was left with nothing.

Beomgyu could laugh at how he viewed falling apart as a kid, all the books he read with all those characters losing themselves, he always viewed falling apart as an art of sorts, something necessary for some people to find themselves. Stories always made it seem like something beautiful, hiding the pain in metaphors and comfort, leaving out the sad reality that there’s never going to be anyone there. People say everyone dies alone, they didn’t say that doesn’t include when you’re heart dies, when it loses all hope, when it simply can’t handle the world anymore.

He looked at the people on either side of him while he waiting for the red man to turn green, one side was a couple, smiling and talking, Beomgyu couldn’t help but wonder how it happened, how the happiness felt, did they have any pets or interesting hobbies?

On the other side of him was a man and two children, they looked like little twins, they were truly adorable and Beomgyu couldn’t help but smile when they pulled at, who he assumed was their fathers sleeve.

Beomgyu walked vastly to the other side, bringing up google maps on his phone to make sure he didn’t get lost. 

He liked wondering about other people sometimes, there was so, so many people in the world and you’ll never get to know every one. But wondering made the scary number more interesting, how many of those people had purple as their favourite colour? How many of those people can’t stand the taste of coconut? How many of those people prefer tea over coffee? 

Wondering made people seem less scary, it made them seem more human. Knowing that any person around him could be as scared of horror movies as he was amused him, you could never be alone in semi-common things like that.

He stood outside of the door for a minute, trying to fix his hair without being able to see it and pushing his hoodie sleeves up to his elbows he took a breath and walked in.

“Soobin?” Beomgyu raised an eyebrow, walking up to the counter and crossing his arms.

“Hey, Beomgyu! What are you doing here?”

Ravn seemed to magically appear and sighed at Soobin, placing down the paper coffee cups, “he’s the new worker, idiot.”

“You two work here?” Beomgyu couldn’t hide the surprise from his face, what were the chances that these two worked here? It did make their constant yelling at each other make more sense, but why god did they have to work here?

“Clearly?” Soobin pointed at the logo on his apron.

“Come back here and I’ll give you one and show you how to work the machines, Soobin isn’t exactly talented in the field.” Ravn said giving Soobin a pointed look, Soobin gave him the middle finger.

——————

T o m a k e m y r e s e n t m e n t s t o p p l e a s e  
——————

Beomgyu couldn’t say why he was sitting on the floor of the shower, fully clothed, with the water scolding hot.

In short, he needed a place to cry without fear of Taehyun or Kai walking in, he needed somewhere where he could cry and sob and sniffle and not be questioned. 

He let his head rest against the tiles behind him, letting more tears fall, the hot water stinging his eyes.

Everything hurt in such a weird way, looking at his friends made his stomach churn, lying awake at night stung his heart, simply breathing made his own head feel suffocating.

He wiped his eyes with the backside of his hand, his eyes stinging more and more, he scrunched them shut.

I’m reality a lot of things had built up to this.

It started with Taehyun’s sudden snarky comments, he had no clue where they came from, they did it often growing up but he thought they’d grown out of it. Taehyun suddenly starting this up again confused him to no end, especially when he acted caring and unsure an hour later, he didn’t know where he stood.

Kai wasn’t exactly a help either, he had always been somewhat motherly, weird, funny and motherly was how they described him, but he recently started being extra tentative to Beomgyu, and started upping the amount of movies they watched together a day, he loved spending time with them, but he genuinely started to believe that at the rate they were going there wouldn’t be enough movies on netflix to get them to next week. He hated feeling like they knew something was up.

Soobin and Yeonjun were somehow the least of his problems, but the two of them seemed to constantly be around him, whenever he was alone one of them cane charging into the apartment, maybe it was partly his own fault for never locking that goddamn door, sometimes he just needed moments like this, alone, even if he didn’t want to be.

Somehow along the way he fell into a never ending pit of self hatred, he couldn’t help but cry over how he never did anything right, how he was never normal, how he knew he could never rest be worth it, one day everyone would realise that, they’d see he wasn’t really anyone special, or anyone at all, he was just a sad thing that existed. They’d leave when they realised he wasn’t funny, or important. They’d leave when they realised that he was just... not worth it.

He wasn’t even always sure what he hated, like the reasons were yet to register with him, like he had to be patient for it to hit in the face with a fucking hammer.

But it wasn’t like he didn’t deserve this, he shivered and wiped his eyes again. He was never exactly an amazing was he? He was a sarcastic asshole that didn’t really bring anything to the world, or his own world, he existed just to make other people miserable. It was only a matter of time before they realised it too.

“Anyone in?” 

Beomgyu heard the distant voice and surprised the urge to throw a tantrum right there and then.

Beomgyu was willing to ignore whoever was there until he heard a knock on the door, “someone in there?”

Beomgyu cleared his throat before replying, “no it’s a fucking ghost.”

“You okay?”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “I’d be better if you weren’t here.”

“That’s not nice.”

Beomgyu wiped his eyes again, “well casually walking into peoples homes isn’t either.”

“I actually came to talk to you about that.”

“I want to point out I have no clue who’s talking, the showers very loud.” Beomgyu huffed, curling into himself more.

“Yeonjun.” He heard a loud sigh, “can I come in?”

“Maybe you’re a burglar, so no I won’t.”

“Learn to lock your doors then.”

“So you are a burglar?”

“Beomgyu?”

“Oh, sadly it really is Yeonjun, I would rather a killer.”

He heard Yeonjun sigh, “can I come in?”

“I’m in the shower, what do you think?”

“It doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything shower like in there, and the door’s unlocked.”

“And you know what I say to that? Fuck you.” 

“I’ll let myself in if you don’t.”

“Well then I’m not going to get up, that’s unnecessary effort.”

He didn’t get a reply after that, after a silent minute he thought Yeonjun might have left, he sighed taking his legs away from his chest and buried his face in his hands.

He really needed to start locking that door, he says this to himself everyday, atleast now he finally has some motive to.

Beomgyu changed the water setting to as hot as it could be, putting his head in his arms and letting the tears fall again.

“Beomgyu?”

Beomgyu stiffened, feeling his face heat up, he tried to quiet his sniffled.

“Damn it’s like a sauna in here.”

“That’s kind of the point.” Beomgyu mumbles, rubbing his eyes on his arm sleeve.

He was just about to start saying every swear under the sun when a hand started patting his head, his anger gave up on him then, deciding it was time to let some other emotion take the wheel. He sniffled and pushed the hand away.

“What’s wrong? Aren’t you freezing?” The hand was back on his head again, raking his fingers through Beomgyu’s drenched hair.

“Nothing’s wrong, just wanted to test out something, it’s on hot for a reason dumbass.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes, not taking his head away from his arms.

“You’re sitting in the shower, fully clothed, crying, and you’re perfectly fine?” Beomgyu could few Yeonjun inch closer.

“Exactly.”

Yeonjun’s hands were around his upper arms, he sniffled again, he could feel the anxiety pilling up in his stomach, he could feel the pain of the anticipation, the tears ready to spill again if the sound of laughter rung in his ears.

“Can you look at me?”

That wasn’t what he expected, he shook his head, the little seeds of anxiety quickly growing, spreading to his lungs, he couldn’t breathe properly, only just realising he needed more air but couldn’t get it.

Yeonjun was definitely going to laugh now, he was going to tell everyone else, they were going to hate him, they were going to see how childish he is, they would see how utterly useless he was, he couldn’t even take care of himself. They’d be embarrassed to even look in his direction, they’d know he was a freak, they might even come up with more creative words for it.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” Beomgyu could feel Yeonjun move beside him, wrapping his arms around the younger and resting his head on his back.

“You’re getting soaked.”

“I don’t care.”

Beomgyu sniffled again, taking on of Yeonjun’s hands and detaching it from his waist, “go away.”

Yeonjun’s arms tightened around him, “Nope.”

Beomgyu rubbed his stinging eyes again, “fuck you I’m serious.”

“So am I.”

“Yeonjun, I don’t want you fucking here.”

“Then make me leave.” 

Beomgyu could feel Yeonjun’s smile, he felt the anger rise up again, “no one untied you here so go.”

“I invited myself in.”

“Get out.”

“But I got an invite.”

“No you didn’t.”

“I did, from myself.”

Beomgyu teared Yeonjun’s arms away from his waist and stood up, looking down at a frowning Yeonjun, “Get. The. Fuck. Out.” he growled and wiped his eyes again, that probably took away from his angry imagine but his eyes were really stinging like a bitch.

Yeonjun stood up and fiddled with the shower setting, once it was turned off he leaned his head off of the wall and opened his arms, “hug?”

Beomgyu scowled, “do I need a bit of paper so I can literally spell it out for you?”

“You look like you could use a hug.” Yeonjun bit his lip and smiled, “or some dry clothes, you look like a drowned puppy.”

Beomgyu bit the inside of his check, “get out, I really am serious.”

“And I’m cold so I need a cuddle, then I’ll go.” Yeonjun smiled, his arms still open.

“I’ll give you some of mine.” Beomgyu growled leaving the bathroom.

“You don’t have to!”

Beomgyu ignored him as he rummaged through the drawers, once he found some joggers and a shirt he stormed back through and held them out, “take it, get changed, and go.”

“Okay, okay.”

Beomgyu sighed and closed the door, pinching the bridge of his nose as he walked back into his room to get dressed.

He’d just slipped on a hoodie and flopped back onto his bed when there was a knock on his door.

“Beomgyu~”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “get out, bye.”

He should really learn to strip trusting Yeonjun to do what he says, a minute later the door opened and Yeonjun’s face peeked through. “Hug?”

Beomgyu bit the inside of his cheek again, “how annoying are you, cause I’ve had enough.”

Yeonjun shrugged and smiled, lying down beside Beomgyu and playing with his hair again, “I’ve been told my persistence is admirable.”

“It’s a pain I’m my ass, why won’t you get out?” Beomgyu mumbles, putting his head on his arms.

“Well you don’t sound genuinely angry.” Yeonjun shrugged, “and again, you were crying and you won’t talk to me so of course I’m not going to leave.”

“It’s literally none of your business.”

“I’m your friend so it is.”

“Well I never asked you to be.” 

Yeonjun frowned, “who do you do this?”

“Do what?”

“Not accept help when you clearly need it.” Yeonjun rolled his eyes.

Beomgyu opened one eye to look at Yeonjun, “I’m not in need of any help, thanks.”

“Well that’s a lie.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot you were a mind reader.”

Yeonjun let out a long sigh, he turned to face Beomgyu and wrapped his arms around the younger’s waist, pulling his closer.

Beomgyu’s eyes shot up in surprise, “what are you doing?”

Yeonjun smiled and turned onto his back, bringing the younger with him, “cuddling you, duh.”

“I’ve already told you I don’t want you here. You’re not my friend, you’re not anything to me, you’re really annoying, so go away, now.”

“What’s going on inside your head?”

Beomgyu said nothing when he wrapped his arms around Yeonjun and put his face to the crook of Yeonjun’s neck, starting to sniffle again.

Yeonjun rubbed circles on his back, “you can cry if you need to, I’m here.”

So he did, he pressed his face to Yeonjun’s shoulder and let the tears fall. Yeonjun kept one firm arm around his waist and played with the younger’s hair with the other, his heart aches for him.

————

T a k e m y h a n d , o n c e a g a i n

————

Beomgyu wasn’t sure who fell asleep first, in a way he prayed it was Yeonjun, to atleast save what little dignity he could salvage.

Although he’s probably lost all hope of doing that, yes Yeonjun was asleep under him, but Taehyun and Kai were watching some movie in the living room which means they’ve definitely seen the clothes that weren’t his, they might have even peeled their head through his door, his face went bright red at the thought, they’d never let him live it down.

I’m truth, he had wanted to yell at Yeonjun, point out flaws that weren’t even there, just so that he’d leave. But his tiredness (it was actually fondness for Yeonjun) just left him with empty, exhausted words.

Then he cried. Like a child. He’ll have to file a missing person report for his pride because it’s nowhere to be found.

He cringed at how childish the whole thing was, and the fact that earlier he had been ready to throw a tantrum just made him more embarrassed.

He rubbed his forehead, his head was banging with that after-cry headache you get, somehow it managed to be the worst kind.

He looked down at Yeonjun’s face, resting his chin on the elders chest, Beomgyu would never admit it to Yeonjun pretty face but he was beautiful in every sense. His hair was somehow still soft even with the dark blue hair dye, his eyes were so sparkly and full of joy, he wouldn’t talk about his lips, that’s off limits. 

But he was also extremely kind, from every instance of Beomgyu being an ass, Yeonjun has always been patient, and caring. Yeonjun was affectionate and cuddly and liked to tease everyone, whilst somehow being adorable doing so. He didn’t like coffee, didn’t mind horror movies as long as they weren’t gory, he still has the teddy his mom gave him when he was 6, he loves rollercoasters and loves the iron man movies, he loves rap songs but soft lyrical ones are his favourite. 

Yeonjun was iridescent, a home away from home that Beomgyu would never admit to.

He sighed softly and fixed some of Yeonjun’s stray hairs, he did have to much pride sometimes, possibly his biggest fault at times.

Out of the corner of his eye he could see a tiny sliver of light in the corner of the room.

“If Yeonjun isn’t staying he should leave, it’s starting to get dark.”

Beomgyu opens his mouth to answer, he freezes when a soft voice answers.

“I’ll go, thank you.”

Kai gives them a thumbs up and closes the door again.

Beomgyu goes red and rolls off of Yeonjun, “how long have you been awake?”

“I woke up before you.” Yeonjun shrugged, smiling, he sat up and stretched his arms over his head.

Beomgyu covered his face with his hands, “I have so much genuine hate for you right now.”

Yeonjun smiled softly, “clearly.”

Beomgyu just shook his head and sat up, rubbing his eyes again.

“Are you okay now?” Yeonjun tilted his head.

“I will be.”

“Are you sure?”

Beomgyu nodded and played with his hoodie sleeve.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed.”

Beomgyu shrugged again and Yeonjun pulled him into a hug, “I know my way out, I’ll grab my clothes and go, I’ll meet you before dance tomorrow and give them back to you, yeah?”

Beomgyu loosely put his arms around Yeonjun and nodded.

“Bye.” Yeonjun smiled.

Beomgyu stayed in his room for a little after Yeonjun left, he felt hot embarrassment and shame at being a) seen vulnerable, b) caught cuddling with Yeonjun and c) Yeonjun being awake whilst he stared right at him.

The universe didn’t like him very much, did it?

“Come on, we’re gonna watch a movie.” Taehyun walked into the room and pulled Beomgyu’s arm.

“What we watching?”

Taehyun put his arm around Beomgyu when they sit down.

“‘The Force Awakens.’” Kai hummed.

“The new one or old one?”

“New.”

———————

T o g e t h e r t o g e t h e r


	16. Maze in the Mirror, Can’t You See Me? 3/3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeonjun is a bit of a tell-tale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a good day<3  
> Comments are appreciated <3  
> Twt: @SuckerForJilix feel free to dm <3
> 
> -Not gonna lie I would be pissed if I was Beomgyu at the end of this chap

“Of course you can use the studio! You just have to show me the results, okay?” 

The thing was, yes Beomgyu expected his professor to be happy about it, but the way he spoke about it like a child knowing they had a surprise, he hoped he didn’t have expectations.

“Of course, sir, thank you.” 

Truth be told, maybe Beomgyu did close the door with a slight spring in his step, this was something new, he couldn’t pick apart himself because he hadn’t done it yet, that made it at-least a little bit easier.

Now he had to meet Yeonjun.

The momentary happiness made a getaway as he remembered his previous embarrassment.

Maybe part of the problem was that over the years, Beomgyu slowly built up a reputation for himself that he slowly started to believe it himself.

Through highschool he was Choi Beomgyu, nice enough but only had two best friends, calm and collected, funny and clumsy, secretive and intelligent.

He knew people thought he was secretive, but he also knew they believed he was happy on the inside.

So he chose to try and be that.

But now he had nothing to live up to, he was slowly starting to loss the edge that the mask gave him.

Kai went though a phase of loving space , a passing obsession that he had probably long forgotten, Beomgyu hadn’t, the universe had a lot of sentiment you could overlook.

That passing obsession was full of late nights in Kai and Taehyun’s gardens, neon orange tent full of fluffy blankets and throw cushions with a telescope borrowed from Kai’s dad.

They recorded a lot of the nights that something cool was meant to happen, wether it be meteor shower or seeing a planet, Beomgyu kept them all on a memory stick.

They were happy memories he could never go back to.

Back then Kai had Beomgyu saved as “Ursa” on his phone, that was the start of Beomgyu’s bear nickname, Kai said it was because “Beomgyu was a cuddly cluster of stars.”

I didn’t make actual sense, but the sentiment of it warmed his heart.

And maybe he was a star in a way.

The beautiful him is long gone, but the image of that version of him still shines through.

Even if it doesn’t exist anymore.

——————

The practice room had become something he visited too often these days, his laziness really wasn’t a plan.

It wasn’t any better that the two of them are sitting in silence not even looking at each other.

Choi Yeonjun? Quiet? He thought he’d never see the day.

“Here are your clothes.” Yeonjun smiled and threw them over to Beomgyu, who caught them with a strained smile.

“Can I say this is awkward?” Yeonjun raised an eyebrow in Beomgyu’s direction.

“The fact that you have to ask that obviously means yes.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“What was wrong?”

“That’s none of your business.”

Yeonjun moves closer to Beomgyu and crossed his legs, “really? Even though I basically sat in a shower with you, got yelled at, slept in your room with you, got yelled at again, and hugged you when I left. I was there for most of whatever that was so how is it none of my business?”

“You weren’t even close to being there the whole time.” Beomgyu snorted.

“Well I was there for the breakdown, wasn’t I?”

“And that makes you entitled to know?”

“If I say yes, will you tell me?”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “you’re an asshole.”

“Last time you said that we cuddled.”

“Okay now you really are being an asshole.” Beomgyu side glared him, Yeonjun shrugged.

“If you’re being stubborn I have to be stubborn back.”

“Is there a law that says that?”

“In my world, yes.”

Beomgyu pinches the bridge of his nose, “do you want a piece of my mind?”

Yeonjun smiled slightly, “you keep telling me lies though.”

Beomgyu chewed the inside of his check in frustration, “and how do you know that exactly, Sherlock?”

“Because I know you.”

“You don’t know shit.”

“I’ve seen the real you.”

“You’ve only seen what I want you to see.” Beomgyu pulled out his phone and started playing a game, the frustration boiling in his stomach.

“You admitted you liked me.”

“I lied.”

“What would the point of that be?”

Beomgyu just shook his head and looked back at his phone.

“And you wanted me to see that the other day?” Yeonjun raised an eyebrow.

Beomgyu bit his lip and pointed at Yeonjun, “okay, you know what? Fuck you, you just think you can do whatever the fuck you want all the time and you always fucking assume you’re right, you don’t know me, you met me like four months ago, you can’t possibly know-know me. Also, you just waltzed into my life like that’s a totally chill thing to do, you have done so many things that shouldn’t be excused but they have been! You think since you’re pretty you can do what you want? Being pretty ain’t shit without a good person underneath and you’re a fucking grade a asshole, you’re selfish and a pain in my ass and an absolute dumb fuck, how do you actually get anything done when you’re so goddam stupid? Who gave you the fucking idea that you can meddle in other people’s lives just because? Honestly go to fucking hell.”

Beomgyu didn’t know when he started crying, but the embarrassment just started doubling and tripling, he has always been stubborn. But above all he had always been a scared little kid.

He didn’t look at Yeonjun when he stood up, he grabbed his backpack and made his way to the door, of course Yeonjun had to grab his wrist and tug him towards him.

“Now you’re going to hear what I have to say.”

Beomgyu turned around to make eye contact with the older, considering how calm his face looked his voice was full of frustration and a quiet kind of anger. He let his gaze fall to the floor when Yeonjun started talking.

“You’re a coward. That’s all you are. I understand that maybe you’re a bit reserved, some people are simply like that, but you go way too far to keep people at arms distance, it wouldn’t be so irritating only for I know you’re not like that, because when you forget about whatever you have pent up, you’re fun to be around. I get maybe you have pride or whatever but you’re destroying yourself doing this. None of us are as dumb as you think we are, you don’t think I asked Kai and Taehyun if anything happened to make you that upset and they came up with nothing, you may be good at hiding exactly what’s wrong but you are absolute shit at hiding that there is something wrong. I don’t know what your problem is when it comes to asking for help but if you don’t let someone in soon you’re going to self destruct and you won’t be the only one that gets hurt. So what’s wrong exactly? Are you insecure? Anxious? Depressed? Having an existential crisis? Why would anyone judge you for anything, especially your best friends who you’ve known your whole life?”

Yeonjun never let go of Beomgyu’s wrist as he spoke, he pulled the younger into a hug and sighed.

Beomgyu’s eyes stung, the tears wouldn’t fall even if he let them, he didn’t know what to do, so he let the older rub his back and tried his best not to crumble.

“Hey Yeonjun?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you do me a favour?”

——————

Beomgyu bit his lip when he unlocked the door.

“Ladies first.”

Yeonjun smiled, “why thank you good sir.”

“Have you ever been in one of these?” Beomgyu tilted his head, closing the door behind him, sitting the borrowed guitar in the corner of the room.

“I don’t major in anything music like, so no.” Yeonjun shrugged, looking around the room curiously.

“What do you major in?” Beomgyu raised an eyebrow.

“I do a double degree, dance and education.” Yeonjun smiled.

“I guess it makes sense.” Beomgyu shrugged, logging into the computer.

“Why did you ask me for help with this, anyways?” Yeonjun peeked over his shoulder.

“I’ve asked Soobin too, just thought it would be a fun little project.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“And we get to witness your musical genius.” Yeonjun said looking at the posters on the walls.

Beomgyu snorted, “sure.”

“Can I ask a question?” Yeonjun tilted his head, shuffling the seat closer to the computer to get a better look, Beomgyu was turning things on and off on the editing programme, Yeonjun didn’t understand any of it.

“Sure?” Beomgyu shrugged, standing up and rummaging through some of the containers on the shelf, pulling out a microphone and a long and thick wire.

“Well maybe it’s more of a statement? I’m not sure?” Beomgyu nodded along as he started turning things on the interface, “so we like each other, right?” Beomgyu pauses for a moment then nodded again, plugging the cable in. “You know I want to date you, I probably made that clear before we even knew-knew each other, but I know you’re not okay right now and you being in a relationship when you’re feeling this down would probably hurt you even more. So, maybe when you’re feeling better, would you consider being my boyfriend?”

Beomgyu’s head shot up at that, he raised an eyebrow and plugged the cable into the microphone. “Can I ask you a question first?”

“Go for it.”

“Why? I’ve been an asshole most the time, and y’know, it’s not like I have anything to offer.” Beomgyu shrugged, turning back to the computer.

Yeonjun frowned and put his head on his shoulder, “look at me~”

Beomgyu sighed, “what?”

Yeonjun smiled and Beomgyu’s heart did a little flip, he went read and looked back at the computer.

“I can give many reasons as to why I like you like that and love you as a friend, but I’d rather do it in a nicer way than in a little studio room, but can I get an answer?” Yeonjun pouted and kept hitting his jaw on Beomgyu’s shoulder.

Beomgyu let out a long, dramatic sigh, “yes.” Yeonjun’s bright smile made his go red again, he looked back at the computer and pointed at the mic on the mic stand, “stand there and sing.”

“Don’t I need to know what I’m singing?”

“I’m testing it dummy. Then we’ll get onto that.”

———————

Beomgyu didn’t expect an intervention of sorts as soon as he walked through their apartment door, but this was Taehyun and Kai, so it shouldn’t really be surprising, he’s came home to them throwing grapes into each other’s mouths from across the room (and joined in), so this shouldn’t really phase him.

“Why weren’t you and Yeonjun at dance practice today?” Taehyun raised an eyebrow.

“And why was Yeonjun asking us if anything bad has happened lately?” Kai tugged Beomgyu down into the couch and Beomgyu couldn’t help but roll his eyes.

“Yeonjun and I were doing a project that needed to be done, I don’t know ask him.” 

Taehyun crosses his arms and side eyed Beomgyu, “when are you finally going to tell us what’s been up with you lately?”

“There’s nothing up, so what do you want me to say?” Beomgyu raised an eyebrow.

Kai sighed this time, “do you not trust us?”

“Why is trust apart of this?”

“Kai can you leave for a minute?” Taehyun leaned forward and gave the youngest a reassuring smile, Kai looked between the two and shrugged before standing up and going to his own room.

“I’m tired of this.” Taehyun pinched the bridge of his nose.

Beomgyu raised an eyebrow, “tired of what?”

“Of you acting like this? What the fuck is up with you?” Taehyun looked genuinely angry, Beomgyu stared down at his sleeves.

“There’s nothing up, what am I doing wrong exactly?” Beomgyu picked up the remote, removing the back and taking the batteries in and out, he needed any kind of distraction.

“Where do I even begin, for a start hiding your anxiety from us, that still hurts that you seriously thought we would judge you for it, you kept that from us for years!” Taehyun’s face was filled with hurt, Beomgyu couldn’t look him in the eyes, the guilt seeping through his bones. “And you keep disappearing like it’s okay! How many times has this happened now? You just leave without even telling us? I was worried something had happened to you! And again, you’re hiding something again! Kai and I come home to see you sleeping and Yeonjun saying you should explain why you looked like you were crying! It made it even worse that he asked us if anything has happened, because as far as we know, nothing has happened!” There was a snarl to the younger’s voice that Beomgyu couldn’t ignore, his anger slowly dissipating, “Yet you’re acting so sad and distant and just not yourself, don’t you think we’re worried, seeing you disappear right before our eyes like this?” Taehyun’s voice cracked on the last word, Beomgyu couldn’t bring himself to look up at him, he felt the tears well up in his eyes.

“Criticising me about not telling you about my anxiety dumb since I was fucking anxious about telling you!” Beomgyu let out a long sigh, trying to gather any anger he could, “And who gave you the right to start yelling about this when you don’t even care? The only reason we’re talking about this is because it’s ruining your mood or whatever, if I’m inconveniencing you why don’t you just tell me straight to my face? Stop tip toeing around it like you’ve ever cared about what you’ve said before!”

“How can you say that?” Taehyun whispered, his frown deepening, “I’m your best friend, Gyu! Through everything in my life, any bumps in the road I came to you! I cast away my pride and fear a long time ago, because I knew neither of you would ever judge me, and that if one of you ever did, the other would knock sense into their dumb skull. I love you, so much, Gyu. I just wish you thought the same, or atleast told me exactly what stopped you, so that I could prove it wrong.” He sat down beside Beomgyu, taking the remote and putting the batteries back in.

“I can say it because it’s true isn’t it? You guys are tired of putting up with me, simple as that, plus you’re already friends with me ‘because Kai is’, right? You’ve out your with me for years, so I don’t blame you, but now is the time to spit out everything I’ve done to piss you off so we can both move on.” Beomgyu picked up one of the cushions, hugging it close.

“How could you possibly think that? You knew I was joking! I would never say anything like that, especially not to you! Do you really think that low of me?” Taehyun rested his hand on Beomgyu’s shoulder, Beomgyu shrugged it off.

“I think that low of me, not you.” Beomgyu muttered, clutching the pillow tighter. He was ruining something again, this was why he let his Kim’s drift through the void of space, with no atmosphere even if he wanted to cry for help, he couldn’t, he wouldn’t, because he knew it would be useless.

Taehyun laid his head on Beomgyu’s shoulder, playing with the sleeve of his own hoodie, “why?”

Beomgyu raised an eyebrow and stared down at Taehyun, “what do you mean why?” 

“How many things can I mean? Why do you think low of yourself?” Taehyun stared back, biting his lip.

Beomgyu shook his head and pushed Taehyun away, standing up he locked eyes with Taehyun, “we’re not having this conversation.”

Taehyun jumped up angrily and grabbed Beomgyu’s arm, “stop being childish, theres a serious issue here and we need to talk about it, like adults, like friends, for gods sake.”

“I’m not being childish, theres simply nothing to say.” Beomgyu pulled his arm back and stormed into his room, Taehyun followed to his annoyance.

“Yes you are, where are you going?” Taehyun stood in the doorway, watching Beomgyu pick up a hoodie and his phone.

“Out.” Beomgyu replies simply, standing in front of Taehyun, “move, please.”

“No.” Taehyun replied firmly, holding out his hand, “give me that, you’re not leaving.”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, pulling his hoodie over his head and shoving his phone in his pocket, “no, now please get out of my doorway.”

Taehyun shook his head and wrapped his arms around Beomgyu, the older stiffened, “please, Gyu, we need to talk about this.”

“We don’t have to talk about shit.” Beomgyu pushed the brunette away, Taehyun stood there in surprise as Beomgyu walked out and opened their front door, “I’ll be back later.”

——————

“Is this how it feels when I walk in on you?” Yeonjun raised an eyebrow, glancing at a clearly moody Beomgyu.

“I swear to god, Soobin, hit me with another shell and you’ll meet your demise.” Beomgyu took his eyes off of the screen for a moment to look at Yeonjun, “yes, especially at bad times.”

Soobin inched farther away from Beomgyu, “I love you to bits but I never want to play this game with you again.”

“You say that like you and Ravn don’t threaten to kill each other in fairly creative ways.” Yeonjun sniggered, Beomgyu held his hand out for a high five.

“But I know Ravn isn’t capable of anything, I haven’t fully seen Beomgyu’s wrath yet.” Soobin shrugged.

“You have nothing to be scared of, Beomgyu can’t even kick hard, he’s like a tiny wittle puppy with mood swings.” Yeonjun smiled.

“I mean he is pretty cute, he’s usually fairly happy.” Soobin nods.

“Mario Kart brings out the anger in me, same with Twister, now stop insulting me.”

Yeonjun raised an eyebrow, ruffling Beomgyu’s hair, Soobin bit his lip when he saw the look Beomgyu gave Yeonjun, “our cute wittle teddy bear doesn’t like being called cute?”

Beomgyu brought a leg up to kick Yeonjun’s knee, “it’s bad for my image.”

Soobin laughed at that, smiling wide at the glare Beomgyu threw him, “what image?”

“Beomgyu thinks he isn’t cute~” Yeonjun whined, pouting and throwing himself onto Soobin, “the absolute horror!”

“Get off my blanket.” Soobin groaned, trying to see the screen over Yeonjun’s shoulder.

“It’s not yours.” Yeonjun huffed.

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “it literally has his name on it.”

——————

“Thanks for letting my borrow your clothes.” Beomgyu mumbled as him and Soobin made their way out the door, Yeonjun’s quiet snores could still be heard.

“No problem.” Soobin shrugged, “are you allowed in the studio rooms?” 

Beomgyu nodded, waiting at the traffic light, “I checked with my professor, I have until the end of the week to get it done.”

“It’s Friday.”

“That’s exactly why I asked if you could do it now.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes, tugging the elders arm, crossing the road.

Soobin nodded along, “how come you stayed last night?” 

“Can’t I spend a night with my buddies?” Beomgyu pouted.

Soobin smiled, amused, “ you know you can, just usually you give warning, and bring your own clothes.”

Beomgyu shrugged, linking their arms.

“It’s not even like I have you cool clothes, you asked for jeans and a hoodie.” Soobin rolled his eyes.

“Are you insulting my style?” Beomgyu held a hand to his heart.

“You’re a simple creature.” Soobin sniggered when Beomgyu bent down to pet a stray cat.

———————

“Are you sure you want to stay here again?” Yeonjun tilted his head, tapping the seat beside him.

“Why wouldn’t I? I can’t miss out on a good horror movie.” Beomgyu shrugged, snuggling closer to Yeonjun, the older putting an arm around his shoulders.

“You get scared shitless every time. And you know what he means, Taehyun and Kai both started texting us.” Soobin rolled his eyes, placing the popcorn on the table and sitting down beside the two, putting his head on Beomgyu’s shoulder.

“They what?” Beomgyu looked down at the elder in surprise, Yeonjun nodded along.

“Like non-stop. We love spending time with you, but please text them when the movies over.” Yeonjun sighed hitting play.

Beomgyu nodded, “fine, god old people these days, so demanding.”

Soobin elbowed his side, “brat.”

They were silent after that, apart from the occasional crunch of popcorn and Beomgyu letting out very mature squeals and latching onto whoever was in closer contact, maybe for a minute things felt okay.

—————

“You didn’t call them.” Yeonjun sighed, throwing Beomgyu a hoodie.

Beomgyu smiled gratefully, pulling it over his head, “well it’s too late now.”

“Leave them a text atleast.” Yeonjun throwned, patting down a face mask and turning to Beomgyu, the younger laughed.

“Okay, okay.” Beomgyu sighed, sitting down on the bed and pulling out his phone.

Yeonjun put his chin on the younger’s shoulder, “you’ve missed a lot of texts.”

“And?” Beomgyu raises an eyebrow, hitting send to their groupchat and clicking his phone off again.

“What’s wrong?” He stood up again, peeling the mask up and scrunching it up into some tissue, tossing it in the bin then sitting down again, easing an eyebrow.

“Do you ever have down days?” Beomgyu asks softly, combing his fingers through the hair in front of his eyes.

“Every does, oh god especially Soobin, you should see him, he goes on and on about how useless receipts are, he says it’s a good distraction, talking about the poor trees.” Yeonjun smiles, tilting his head at Beomgyu, “I’m guessing you’ve been having too many of those?”

“I’ve had them for a long long time, kid.” Beomgyu smiles, surprised at his own honesty.

“Well okay, grandfather, how long is a long time exactly? Since last Monday?” Yeonjun elbows the younger.

“Nevermind.” Beomgyu muttered elbowing him back.

Yeonjun frowned, resting his chin on the younger’s shoulder, “I’m sorry, be serious with me though, how long?” 

“Since I was like, I don’t know, fourteen?” Beomgyu shrugged, pulling out his phone again.

“And you never mentioned it to your parents?” Yeonjun raised an eyebrow.

Beomgyu shook his head, unbuttoning and buttoning Yeonjun’s duvet cover, “my mom had enough on her plate.”

“What about your dad?” Yeonjun looked away, standing up and closing his curtains, the room feeling awkward.

“I haven’t talked to him in a long time, haven’t seen him in even longer.” Beomgyu sgrugged again.

“What about Kai and Taehyun’s parents?” 

Beomgyu shook his head, “that’s an even dumber idea, it wasn’t that bad back then anyways.”

“And you won’t tell them now, why?” Yeonjun say back down again, resting a hand on the younger’s shoulder.

“They would hate me.”

—————

Beomgyu actually enjoyed the confines of the studio room, it reminded him of the one they had in highschool, that’s something he’d give anything to go back to, back when Yoongi and Namjoon were still here with them in highschool, not on the over side of the country, when they’d let Beomgyu accompany them whenever they tried to produce something, when Hobi would walk into the room late and sing as loud as he good, ruining Yoongi’s recordings. He wasn’t really apart of the friend group, but he was included and learned something.

He missed the hyungs sometimes, Taehyung was protective of Kai, even though they were just cousins, their mothers had been close, so by extension Taehyun and Beomgyu got dragged along to whatever hang out Taehyung dragged Kai to.

Sometimes Beomgyu missed being in a group, not just a trio, maybe that’s why he loved dance practices and work so fervently, he valued his alone time, but sometimes what you want isn’t what you need.

Right now it is what he needs. It’s Sunday, he has to show his professor the songs, he still needs to fix a couple of things, it turned out better than he imagined though.

He hasn’t seen Taehyun or Kai either, or replied to their texts, it’s easier to avoid it, and them.

He had to see them again tonight though, he didn’t want to burden Yeonjun and Soobin any longer and he really shouldn’t let this go on any longer.

So he’s clicking random things and sitting with a small whirlwind of fear in the bottom of his stomach, his foot repeatedly tapping the ground and his free hand playing around with an elastic band.

He was truly dreading it, he couldn’t even come up with a good excuse, he knows Taehyun will be mad, he’s not sure about Kai, this is the longest he’s ever ran away from an argument.

He’s a big scaredy cat, a big scaredy cat with a lot of regret and sadness.

And like three outfits of Soobin’s to wash and return.

——————

Beomgyu knows he’s the sensible one in the friend group, and even he’s a bit crazy when he’s hyper, so he knows that sometimes when he leaves they start to lose their common sense.

But walking in on Kai dipping a grape in his tea and Taehyun making a loom band bracelet, he genuinely wonders if they’ve went insane.

“Kai, what the ever loving fuck are you doing?” Beomgyu couldn’t hide the mix of concern and disbelief in his face. Tae and grapes, what kind of combination is that?

They both turn around to look at him and Beomgyu literally feels himself shrink under Taehyun’s gaze.

“Yeonjun told us.”


	17. Somedays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a good day<3  
> Comments are appreciated <3  
> Twt: @SuckerForJilix feel free to dm <3
> 
> -we’re gonna get on to some rickity riggedy romance and love life troubles soon

Beomgyu left.

Again.

He was beyond pissed.

Now Beomgyu didn’t feel anger often. He was more of a get-sad-about-it-because-anger-solves-nothing kind of guy.

But Yeonjun crosses a line and just put a massive pile of shit on his relationship with his best friends.

He was livid, it was safe to say.

He decided to text Serim and asked him if he could stay the night, then he messaged Soobin to tell him that if a murder takes place he has to help him hide the body (Soobin is completely clueless but agreed anyways) and decided to ignore the frantic texts from his friends.

But true to form, his anger melts into little droplets of sadness that slip through the cracks of the walls protecting him.

Why can’t he live a normal college life?

Why can’t he be honest with his friends? 

Why can’t he just be like everyone else?

—————

“You’re back again?” Yeonjun raised an eyebrow, leaning against the doorway.

“What the actual fuck Yeonjun? Why would you tell them that?” 

“Tell who, what?”

“I think from context you can fucking work it out.”

“You’re such a potty-mouth sometimes.” Yeonjun smiled, then stepped back and dramatically bowed (Beomgyu couldn’t possibly roll his eyes any higher), “if you’re mad good sir, do come in.”

“Yeonjun, you’re about to be introduced to your grave and you’re still super chill?” Soobin raised an eyebrow, opening the door to his room, “boomers these days honestly.” Soobin shook his head and closed the door.

Yeonjun gave Beomgyu an awkward smile, Beomgyu sighed and walked in, taking Yeonjun’s ark and dragging him to the couch, “why the absolute ever-loving-fuck would you text them and tell them that, what did you even say?”

“Is this about Kai and Taehyun?” Yeonjun raised an eyebrow, looking confused when Beomgyu nodded his head, “I haven’t talked to them at all today.”

“Wait what?”

“Last time I talked to them was yesterday morning.” Yeonjun shrugged, looking up at Beomgyu and tilting his head.

“You’ve got to be joking.”

“No?”

“I’m sorry.” Beomgyu sighed making his way out, Yeonjun grabbed his arm and shook his head, “we can’t have you going and crying in a shower again, tell me what’s up?”

“That sounds weird out of context.”

Yeonjun pulled a face, “it kinda does, doesn’t it? No homo bro.”

“You asked me to be your boyfriend.”

“Homo bro?”

Beomgyu let out a long sigh, he liked this idiot, why exactly?

—————

He’s been standing in front of his front door for like, the past ten minutes?

Was he going to go in any time soon?

Absolutely not, what do you take him for?

He leaned his head against the cold wall, it was grounding to a point, considering his relighted anger, he needed something cold, like a bucket of ice or something, just to give him a little wake up.

Everyone expects moving out and going to university to be some kind of adventure, having the independence and the friends and the parties makes it seem like everything you could ever want, somehow his experience wasn’t mounting to that at all.

He wondered if Kai knew, Kai is a bad lie, they’ve teased him about that since the dawn of time, and quite frankly too innocent to go along with anything that could hurt someone’s feelings.

A pure little angel, really.

Unlike Taehyun right now. He didn’t understand why he felt the need to lie like that, out of the hundreds of things he could of said, why would he choose that?

But stepping back this whole thing, this whole mess, was clearly his fault. He shouldn’t have been so selfish and tried to hold on. He should’ve just accepted that they wouldn’t have wanted him, he shouldn’t have lied, he shouldn’t have made such a big deal about someone as unimportant as him.

He sighed and turned to face the door, putting this off wouldn’t change anything, he knocked lightly, praying for no one to answer.

“Gyu!” 

Beomgyu was nearly brought to the floor by Kai as soon as he opened the door, the taller of the two nearly crushing Beomgyu’s insides with the tightness of the hug.

Atleast someone missed him.

Beomgyu patted his back and ruffled the younger’s messy brown hair, “hey, you might and up crushing me.”

“Maybe that’s the plan, then you can’t really run away, can you?” The younger’s mumbled, Beomgyu stiffened, kind of surprised by the response.

“I need to talk to you guys.”

“Together?” Kai tilted his head.

“Separately, actually.” Beomgyu mumbles, looking down at the floor.

“I had a feeling you’d say that, it’s easier that way, right?” Kai smiled, “I had no clue what Taehyun meant earlier, just don’t kill each other, please.” The youngest grimaced at the thought and Beomgyu couldn’t help but smile. He gave the taller a pat on the shoulder and started walking down the wall, Kai didn’t move from the doorway, giving him a small smile.

Beomgyu knocked on the door, biting his lip nervously as he waited, after a few moments it was open wide and Taehyun and Beomgyu were looking straight into each other’s eyes.

It was probably the most awkward stare they’ve ever had.

And that’s saying something.

“Did you talk to Yeonjun?” Taehyun visibly cringed, seeming to already know the answer but needed the confirmation.

Beomgyu only nodded, biting the inside of his check and stepping into the room, kicking the door shut behind him, “we need to talk.”

Beomgyu has always loved Taehyun’s room, Taehyun probably had the one that showed his personality best, with its lilac walls and photos stuck literally anywhere he could find a free space, it looked like a journey through his life, Beomgyu was proud to say he was in nearly every one. There were random flowers and stars doted around the walls and door with black marker pen, something Taehyun knew he probably shouldn’t have done, but did anyways.

He sat down on one of the many blanket piles on Taehyun’s floor (they called it messy, Taehyun called it a substitute seat), “why did you lie?”

Taehyun sat in the blanket like across from him, “but you did tell Yeonjun, didn’t you?”

“Why does that even matter?” Beomgyu raised an eyebrow.

“Because you’d tell a stranger what’s been wrong with you for god knows how long now, and not your best friends you’ve known for your whole life? Why shouldn’t I be pissed? You never tell me anything, even Kai knows more than me these days.” Taehyun crosses his arms, his eyebrows furrowing as his gaze bore into him, if Beomgyu didn’t know the brunette so well, he’d probably be scared.

“Maybe because I’m less scared to lose someone I’ve known for less than a year, rather than my best friends.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “I can’t tell what I want to who I want, who cares who knows more.” Beomgyu fiddled with the blanket, looking away from Taehyun.

“I do, you shouldn’t be afraid of telling us things, telling me things. I care, we should know everything about each other, you shouldn’t be afraid to lose us, we should be able to talk to each other when something’s wrong, when something hurts. You just continuously lie to me, it hurts, Gyu.” Any fire in Taehyun’s eyes left when Beomgyu looked back up, he looked somewhat hurt, maybe somewhat sorrowful.

“What did you want me to say, Taehyun? I tell Yeonjun things because most of the time he catches me at my lowest, and I don’t have as much fear of losing him as much as I love him, I tell some Kai things because they aren’t that serious, they’re things about classes and stuff like that were I just need someone to listen, hell I even tell Serim things because it’s basically how our friendship started. I can’t tell you things because I’ve known you the longest, I can’t lose you, I can’t tell you little things because you’ll try to hard to make it better and I already feel like a burden, I can’t tell you serious things because you’ll hate me, I can’t win in this situation Taehyun, believe it or not I don’t do this for the good of my health.” Beomgyu pulled one of the Boeing’s from under him and threw it over himself, staring down at it.

“I want you to say the truth? After all the dumb shit I’ve done in front of you, why would I judge you for being human? Knowing me the longest should mean you trust me the most, you haven’t come to me with any kind of issue because of how I reacted as a kid Beomgyu, a growing kid that was dumb as fuck, you ever thought that maybe if you tried now it would be different? You know for a fact I won’t hate you, you know I could never, how could you even say that? Hell how could you even think it?” Taehyun kept his arms crossed, staring at the crown of Beomgyu’s head, biting the inside of his check, Beomgyu looked up to meet his gaze with an angry glare.

“See, you wouldn’t understand, Taehyun. You simply don’t get it, I don’t want to think like this, or feel this, but I do, I don’t choose to judge your fondness of me, I choose to judge my own worth, but you just don’t get that. You think ever problem is simple at its core and that it alays has a simple solution, you haven’t properly grown up Taehyun if you don’t understand the fact that life isn’t a fucking fairytale. I say I think you’ll hate me, you think that will be fixed instantly by you saying you could never, you think that will instantly fix the way I’ve felt for years, it won’t.”

“Don’t treat me like I’m a child, Beomgyu. I know it isn’t that easy but you give me nothing to work with to know what to do or say, instead of talking to me you run away, you run away every single goddam time there’s confrontation. I understand you’re scared but we are getting nowhere like this, you need to face the reality of this, I know you’re not okay, but I don’t know what to do to make it better if you don’t tell me, Beomgyu. Please I just want you to be happy again.” Taehyun had tears in his eyes, his voice cracked on the last words.

When they looked at each other again, Beomgyu felt his heart break, maybe Taehyun felt the same.

Because Beomgyu only ever thought about if he wanted there to be a tomorrow, he only ever thought about how to hide his misery, he never thought that they might have changed too, that they might have grown in different ways.

That maybe they’re more in touch with the reality of it than he is.

“It’s... complicated, Taehyun, try not to worry about it and forget about it. I’ll be better seen.” Beomgyu have the younger a small smile, patting his knee, Taehyun took the oldest hand and intertwined their fingers.

“That’s not how it’s meant to be, so I won’t.” The younger shrugged.

They looked at each other then, the silence felt a little out of place, they were usually so hyper that it felt somewhat depressing. Or maybe it’s just Beomgyu that thinks that. It’s probably just Beomgyu that thinks that.

“I think I have depression.” 

Beomgyu tried to get the words out as fast as he possibly could, he had no idea where the courage suddenly came from, but you can’t really complain, can he? 

But then Taehyun looked at him with round eyes, and y’know what, yeah he could complain, because that was maybe not the time to say it. Again, he wasn’t sure.

“I mean, I know I have it.”

Beomgyu grimaced and looked at the ground.

It was a fairly simple thing to say, it didn’t hold much weight to it.

It felt like it did though.

“How long have you known?”

Taehyun’s voice felt light, maybe even delicate. This was new for the both of them, Beomgyu internally sighed.

“It’s being happening for a few years, I always brushed it off as growing up though.” Beomgyu shrugged, “it only got worse as I got older, this is the worst it’s ever been.”

“What’s it like?” Taehyun tilted his head, giving Beomgyu a soft look he couldn’t describe.

“Sad? You could get a better answer of google.”

“That’s not going to tell me how you feel though, is it?”

Beomgyu looked up in surprise, raising an eyebrow, “I don’t know what to say.”

“Are you sure you don’t?”

“You said like our old math teacher.”

Taehyun smiled at that, shaking his head, “you’re our lit student, I’m sure you know how to give me a hint.”

Beomgyu was silent for a minute, looking up to the ceiling, Taehyun reached forward and ruffled his hair, they shared a smile and Beomgyu sighed, “I’ll tel you later, I’m tired.”

——————

He’s the thing, when one believes they are worthless, there are certain things that they feel they should do, like they’re following a handbook that they think that was given to everyone.

Maybe they would know it wasn’t if they felt like they mattered enough to deserve to question if it wasn’t normal to feel this way.

——————

“Why are cookies called cookies and bacon called bacon, but you bake cookies and cook bacon?”

Beomgyu and Ravn were currently cleaning the tables of the café, Soobin was waiting behind the counter, it was five minutes till closing so one of them still hand to wait there. 

For whatever reason, their boss thought the three of them could be trusted completely cleaning and locking up, Beomgyu felt like Soobin’s random question would prove this assumption false.

“Because cookies is cute and they look kinda cute, you can say cookies in a cute voice but you can’t say bacon in a cute way, you wouldn’t want to anyway, it’s an animal you’re eating, if the names were switched it wouldn’t be right.” Beomgyu shrugged, picking up one of the chairs and placing it on the table.

Ravn raised an eyebrow, walking by Beomgyu to get the spray bottle, “that’s a weirdass logic but it kinda makes sense?”

“Beomgyu, my dear love, if you and Yeonjun don’t work out, I’ll be waiting.” Soobin made kissing noises in Beomgyu’s general direction, the younger gagged, cringing hard.

“What’s with you two anyway?” Ravn raised an eyebrow, scrubbing the table with a small stain on it, Beomgyu and Soobin has to admire that determination.

“Why do we have to talk about this every night.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “you could ask me anything else.”

“Okay, did you finally talk to them?” Soobin rested his face on his hand, looking somewhat smug.

“As a matter of fact, I talked to Taehyun last night about it, I haven’t really seen them today to tell Kai but I will when I get home.” Beomgyu gave a smug smile back, Ravn just shook his head, still scrubbing the mark, Beomgyu was sure it was apart of the table, he wouldn’t point that out though.

“So you won’t be popping around as often?” Soobin kept a straight face, untying his apron with a relieved sigh.

“If I didn’t know any better I’d say you’re gonna miss me living there.” Beomgyu teased, noticing himself smile he felt warm, he looked up at Soobin fondly, “I’ll still be over as long as you let me though.”

“You’re a brat, I’ll enjoy the peace.” Soobin smiled back, “I always need someone to laugh at, so break in any time, not like you don’t do that anyways.”

Ravn came out of the staff room looking between the two, “you two are scary.”

“How?” They both raises an eyebrow at each other, Soobin scrunched his face and stuck his tongue out, Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“You switch who’s nice, it’s scary you have that duality.” Ravn shrugged, “now hurry up and get your stuff, the longer we wait to lock up the more likely I am to forget to do it altogether.”

“The joys of being ancient.” Soobin teased, elbowing the eldest as he walked by, Beomgyu and Ravn shared a look, “must really hurt, hag.” Beomgyu smiled.

“He’ll murder is one of these days.” Soobin pulled a hoodie over his head, Beomgyu shrugged, fixing his cap.

“It probably wouldn’t be difficult, you’re not the sharpest tool in the shed.” Beomgyu grinned, pulling Soobin back through the door.

“Says the person who puts their fork in the microwave.” Soobin rolled his eyes, waving at Ravn as the pair walked out of the cafe.

“Well, fuck you, it always goes well.” Beomgyu shrugged, bending down to tie his shoelace, Soobin ruffled his hair, the younger shook his head and huffed.

“You feeling better now?”

“That came out of nowhere.” Beomgyu raised an eyebrow, linking their arms again when they started walking across the road.

“Not really, it’s a big change working here for a start, isn’t it?” 

“Not really, kinda relieving actually.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“We’re amazing I know.” 

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

“Be serious, just for a minute, do you really, really like Yeonjun?” Soobin tilted his head.

“Why is everyone so invested in our friendship, exactly?” Beomgyu raised an eyebrow.

“Sure ‘friendship’,” Soobin shook his head, “because he’s a love sick idiot, and you’re equally as love sick, you’re just afraid of the inner gay.”

“The inner gay?” Beomgyu snorted, “you make me sound like we’re gonna be strippers or something.”

“You know what I mean!” Soobin let out a long sigh when Beomgyu shook his head, “he’s confident gay, you’re panicked gay.”

“That’s no reason to be so invested.”

“We want you to be happy, is that a crime?”

“It is when you’re always involved.”

“What kind of wingman would I be if I wasn’t?”

“A good one.”

Soobin rolled his eyes, “point is you and Yeonjun will get nowhere if no one gives you a push, you’re fairly timid even if you won’t admit it.”

Beomgyu shrugged, “not everything that you want to happen will happen.”

“That’s not the way to think, besides, you two got this.” Soobin frowned, “I’ll see you tomorrow, g’night.”

“Night.”

—————

“Do you live in here or what?”

Beomgyu smiled as Yeonjun raised an eyebrow, he looked genuinely concerned, it was kinda cute, not to Beomgyu, probably to other people though.

“I wish, honestly image us living here, we’d be constantly bouncing off the walls.” Beomgyu sat his head on his hand dreamily, Yeonjun shaking his head and biting him lightly over the head.

“You speak like Taehyun doesn’t have that kettle attached to his hand at all times.”

“But our apartment doesn’t constantly smell of it.” Beomgyu shrugged, taking a sip of his coffee.

“You weren’t a fan of coffee when we met?”

“I wouldn’t get through life without it, sugar simply isn’t enough anymore.”

Yeonjun shook his head again, “you’re worse than a child.”

“Not my issue.” Beomgyu shrugged again.

Yeonjun pinches the bridge of his nose, he looked back up and smiled, leaning back in his seat, “what did your professor think of the songs?”

“He liked them, I can submit them for my next assignment, so I’ll be ahead.” 

“I’m sure he said more than that.” Yeonjun frowned.

“So what if he did? It’s a song made by a university student, it’s not going to be good.”

“That’s offending way too many people.” Yeonjun rolled his eyes, “I’ll hunt down the proffesion myself and ask them then.”

“You do that.” Beomgyu popped the lid off of his coffee and quickly drank what was left.

“What did Taehyun and Kai think?” Yeonjun tilted his head.

“I haven’t showed them yet.”

“Why are you so secretive with them?” 

“I’m not that secretive.” Beomgyu frowned.

“You kinda are, seriously, it’s not my place to criticise it, but they will be there for you no matter what, you shouldn’t be afraid to show them anything.”

“I’ll show them later.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“Have they read your story?”

“Story?”

“The one you had when we met?” Yeonjun smiled.

“No one has.” Beomgyu leaned his head on his hand, looking around the room.

“Serim did, he gave it to me after.”

“I’m sorry, he what?” Beomgyu sat up straight, going bright red.

“Back at Christmas, it’s good by the way.”

“Shut up.”

“I’m serious, writing is something that’s hard to do if you haven’t experienced life, like a regular life, not a big grand one. It’s nice that there isn’t a winner or a loser, there doesn’t always have to be, life is about finding who you want to be and who you want to be that with, everyone looks back on life and says ‘if only I had known then what I know now’, but if you sit down and listen enough you’ll avoid all the common regrets, because you’ll learn from other people. You need to look at certain things in life from every single angle and not let anyone else’s thoughts determine how you feel, a lot of people always have something to gain when it comes to opinion based things, so being able to look at every angle and coming out with the right opinion, the one that includes everyone and doesn’t hurt anyone, it’s something people don’t learn till later on in life. To write a story that people will like you have to have a sense of wisdom, a sense of high and low, or it simply won’t be good, you’ve perfected that and you’re nineteen, you’re literally a tiny little baby, it’s seriously impressive.”

“You would make a great English teacher.” Beomgyu giggled, Yeonjun hit him lightly over the head again, “that’s just how you feel though, there’s logic to it, of course, but it isn’t necessarily right.”

“I spill a heartfelt speech on how you’re so good, so young, and you simply can’t accept it?” Yeonjun raised an eyebrow, slightly amused.

“Yep.” Beomgyu smiled, popping the p and sticking his tongue out.

“You’re so childish.” Yeonjun sighed.

“You can’t sleep without hugging something.”

“Neither can you!”

“What’s your point?” Beomgyu giggled.

Yeonjun groaned, “you’re so difficult.”

“Stop complaining.”

“Stop being difficult.”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, tapping his phone on and sighing, “well I’ll have to love you and leave you, drama queen, I have lit in twenty.”

“I’ll come with, it’s on the at home anyways.” Yeonjun smiled.

“I hate having classes at noon.” Beomgyu sighed, keeping a hand on the door for Yeonjun to walk through.

Yeonjun patted his shoulder, taking the younger’s hand and swinging them as they walked, “it’s better than morning or like super late though.”

“I dunno, I prefer morning.” Beomgyu shrugged.

“You’re crazy, completely insane, how can you say that?”

“When will you leave me alone?” Beomgyu groaned.

“Never, you’re stuck with me, forever and ever, I don’t care if you get sick of me.”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “you could be a drama student, really.”

—————

“Partners?” 

Beomgyu looked up at Soobin and smiled, “I guess I’ll bless you with my presence.”

“Dear god, when will Serim be back?” Soobin sighed, taking the seat beside Beomgyu’s and drawing on the table.

Beomgyu bit the elders hand, rolling his eyes, “next Thursday, honestly you two together are insufferable, I’m enjoying my pride being in tact.”

“You’re such a drama queen.”

“You have met Yeonjun right?”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “you two rival each higher, you never cease to amaze me.”

“Stop your bitching.”

“Fuck you.”

“Do you ever think about the joke about the chicken crossing the road and getting to the other side is about the chicken dying?”

“You’re not normal, don’t talk to me.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who’s back?:D
> 
> Talk to me on twt if you’re bored! @SuckerForJilix

Exhaustion is one of the worst feelings in the world.

Fear? Sadness? Anxiety? Anger? Hurt? Betrayal? None of them have anything on exhaustion.

Hard hitting emotions like that fizz inside of you, but they feel right, they feel like they need to be there.

Exhaustion is a weird emotion, if most would even call it that, it always feels out of place because you never know where it comes from, it doesn’t belong there. It’s tiring and you act like you feels things, but in reality you don’t, you react without thinking or feeling, it really makes you feel like you’re not there.

He can’t even figure out if his friends, if Yeonjun, is helping or not.

Serim, being the social butterfly he is, thought it would be the most amazing idea to do blindfolded trust exercises because they’re “fun”. The only people that agreed with him were Taehyun and Ravn, who then changed their minds after Taehyun dropped Ravn flat on the ground. Now Yeonjun and Kai were climbing trees while the others sat at the edge on the forest, laughing at Yeonjun’s screams and trying to figure out where would be best to eat.

Beomgyu’s heart aches at the fact that he couldn’t bring himself to enjoy it, he couldn’t bring himself to feel anything. Any other day, no matter how bad he was feeling, hanging out with them, especially as a group would bring a smile to his face, even if they were doing nothing.

Now, apparently it doesn’t.

In all honesty that sucks, the back of his mind is so angry that he can’t concentrate on what’s happened, he has to actually make an effort to not fall into his thoughts.

The others are having fun, it’s the first group meeting they’ve had, Soobin and Serim are arguing about having either pizza or chicken, Taehyun resting his head on Soobin’s shoulder, Ravn keeps hitting Serim’s leg whenever he agrees or disagrees, so really he’s playing the drum with his leg, Yeonjun is talking Kai through climbing back down (they really shouldn’t have sent the designated idiots up a tree) and Beomgyu... Beomgyu is the only one not really with anyone, he’s the only one sitting on his own, nodding and making hugs of agreement whenever his opinion was wanted, but he wasn’t really apart of it.

The stupid little part of him, the only part of him with confidence says they don’t care, they don’t notice something so stupidly small. So obviously they don’t care. Obviously they’d rather you not being here. 

On dumb days like this, the little things that change on the outside version of him feel like he’s sending a very loud cry for help that everyone seems to ignore.

“Why don’t we just meet in the middle and get noodles?” Ravn sighed.

“How is that meeting in the middle?” Taehyun rolled his eyes.

“I could go for some noodles!” Kai yells as he ran towards them, Yeonjun walking behind, “yeah, me too.”

“Me and Beomgyu have a shift soon, so let’s go.”

“Actually I’ve gotten called in early, so I’ll see you guys later.”

Beomgyu started walking away, he heard some words of protest as he got farther away, but no one followed him, no one stopped him, thankfully.

He was just so bored, bored of literally everything. What’s the point of a life that has no joy and repeats the same routine everyday? He is the first to admit that he isn’t a fan of being spontaneous, but it wouldn’t hurt to have a little bit of it in his life. 

A little bit of something even, a little bit of anything.

———————

“Sublime.”

“This again?” Taehyun shook his head, handing a soapy plate to Beomgyu.

“You had a couple days break, stop complaining.” Beomgyu hit the younger with the tea towel.

“What does it mean then?” Taehyun sighed, swatting him away with his free hand.

“It means like great excellence or beauty, or unparalleled, depends how you use it.” Beomgyu shrugged, taking a soapy cup.

“You’re strange.” Taehyun shook his head, “are you and Yeonjun dating yet?”

“That was quite the subject change.” Beomgyu raised an eyebrow, pushing the cup to the back of the cupboard.

“It’s hard to watch, just get a room.” Taehyun rolled his eyes.

“Only if you and Soobin do.” Beomgyu sniggered when Taehyun made an indescribable noise at the back of his throat.

“Never say that again.” Taehyun turned back to the bowl and started scrubbing it, quite furiously aswell, Beomgyu couldn’t help but feel a bit sorry for it.

“But it’s so obvious. You haven’t liked someone in awhile, and you’ve never looked at anyone else the way you look at Soobin, he even looks at you the same way, so I don’t get what you’re waiting around for.” Beomgyu shook his head, propping his head up with his hand as he leaned against the counter.

“And what about you and Yeonjun? You’ve both confessed to eachother and you’re not dating, you can’t exactly give me that advice right now.” Taehyun huffed.

“That’s different, we have a reason, and stop turning it to be around that. Neither you not Soobin are shy people, you’re both not dumb enough to be that oblivious either, so just kiss him already and get married.” 

“That escalated way too fast.” Taehyun raised an eyebrow, “I’ll tell him if you tell me why you and Yeonjun aren’t dating yet.”

“That’s a stupid deal.”

“No it isn’t.”

“I know you won’t tell him.”

“I will!”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “because I don’t think he really likes me.”

Taehyun eyes practically popped out of his head, hitting his palm off his face and groaning, “are you joking right now? Like seriously, you must be joking.”

“He doesn’t know me.”

“He doesn’t know every little detail about you, those are two very different things.” Taehyun sighed, snatching the towel from Beomgyu so he could throw it into the laundry pile beside him.

“I’m not me when I’m with him, so no, he doesn’t know me.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes, jumping up onto the counter.

“Or maybe you’re the most you you’ve been in a long time when you’re with him, you know, the Beomgyu who wears his heart on his sleeve, the Beomgyu yhat has big dreams, my brother from another mother.” Taehyun shot him finger guns, the older grimaced.

“You’re a weirdo, and am I still not your brother now?”

“You’re the other version of my brother, the one that believes that dumb brain of his, the real version of my brother isn’t afraid to show who he is, I haven’t seen him in awhile, so I kind of miss him.”

“You’re talking like I have a twin.”

Taehyun shook his head, patting Beomgyu’s knee as he walked by, “You’re missing the point on purpose. I’m gonna get ready for class, when Kai gets back tell him to give me back my hoodie or there’ll be hell to pay.”

“Aye aye, and you have to tell Soobin now.”

“Sure, sure.”

“Asshole.”

——————

“This is so boring.” Soobin whispered, fiddling with Beomgyu’s earring, the younger swatted his hand away.

“You don’t have to be here.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“But I’m helping a bud! If I don’t I’ll feel bad.” Soobin groaned, lying his face on the desk, someone walking by with a stack of books gave them a dirty look, Beomgyu cringed at Soobin.

“Yes, you’re being a great help.” Beomgyu shook his head, closing his text book, “what do you wanna do?”

“Wanna get some coffee?” Soobin grabbed Beomgyu’s hands, doing his very best impression of puppy eyes.

Which Beomgyu has to admit, are very effective.

“Fine, come on.” He sighed, stuffing his notepad and pens into his backpack.

“Yes! You’re the best!” Soobin smiled, grabbing his arm and pulling him towards the exit, pulling out his phone in the other.

“Who are you texting?” Beomgyu tried to peer over the elders shoulder, Soobin flicked his forehead, pocketing his phone again.

“Wasn’t texting anyone. Come on, let’s go to the one that gives you hot chocolate and marshmallows.” 

“Sugar rush, love your thinking, old man.”

——————

Beomgyu should have known Soobin was up to something. Soobin never wants to optionally go to the library, Taehyun had to literally drag him out of the bed for their group project, Yeonjun was even kind enough to film it.

And Soobin’s very wide smile right now is neither discreet nor welcoming, he looks borderline serial killer right now.

“Oh Yeonjun, fancy seeing you here! Oh wow, would you look at the time, sorry Gyu, I didn’t realise it would take so long to walk here, gotta dash, lots and lots of work to do!” 

And somewhat comically, Soobin started to jog backwards away, waving as he kept checking behind him.

“Bye?” Beomgyu raised an eyebrow, giving the elder a small wave, Yeonjun threw an arm around the smallest shoulders, “what’s up with him?” Beomgyu tilted his head.

“Couldn’t tell you. He probably wants to find some cute game to play, you know he takes that very seriously.”

“That was just plain weird, though.” Beomgyu shook his head. “You go and find us a seat, it’s my turn to order.”

“It’s fine I’ll get it, you go.” Yeonjun shook his head.

“But I wanna.” Beomgyu pouted.

“Nope.” Yeonjun stuck out his tongue.

“You go, you’re gonna hold up the queue.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“Hi, what can I get you?”

Beomgyu looked up at the barista somewhat guilty, they probably didn’t even hear the conversation but they still look so very done looking at the two of them being immature.

Oh well, who needs to grow up, that’s boring.

Beomgyu let out a small noise of surprise and glared at Yeonjun as the elder elbowed him away, pointing towards a seat, Beomgyu trudged to the table somewhat rejected.

He sat his phone on the table and sighed, putting his head in his arms, still pouting.

It was a quieter day for once, this is only the fourth time he’s been here with Yeonjun (not that he’s counting), but the other times the cafe was bustling.

“Don’t look so moody.” Yeonjun sniggered, placing a cup in front of him and ruffling his hair, sliding into the seat across of him.

“That was mean. Also thank you.” Beomgyu huffed.

“Those two sentences don’t work together well.” Yeonjun laughed, biting his lip when Beomgyu showed at him.

“You’re such a bully.” The younger sighed, taking a sip form his cup.

“Hey, Beomgyu?”

“What now?”

“You seem happier. It’s nice to see you smiling.”

“Thanks.”

“Can I tel you something?”

“What’s up, junnie?”


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who’s back?:D
> 
> Talk to me on twt if you’re bored! @SuckerForJilix

Exhaustion is one of the worst feelings in the world.

Fear? Sadness? Anxiety? Anger? Hurt? Betrayal? None of them have anything on exhaustion.

Hard hitting emotions like that fizz inside of you, but they feel right, they feel like they need to be there.

Exhaustion is a weird emotion, if most would even call it that, it always feels out of place because you never know where it comes from, it doesn’t belong there. It’s tiring and you act like you feels things, but in reality you don’t, you react without thinking or feeling, it really makes you feel like you’re not there.

He can’t even figure out if his friends, if Yeonjun, is helping or not.

Serim, being the social butterfly he is, thought it would be the most amazing idea to do blindfolded trust exercises because they’re “fun”. The only people that agreed with him were Taehyun and Ravn, who then changed their minds after Taehyun dropped Ravn flat on the ground. Now Yeonjun and Kai were climbing trees while the others sat at the edge on the forest, laughing at Yeonjun’s screams and trying to figure out where would be best to eat.

Beomgyu’s heart aches at the fact that he couldn’t bring himself to enjoy it, he couldn’t bring himself to feel anything. Any other day, no matter how bad he was feeling, hanging out with them, especially as a group would bring a smile to his face, even if they were doing nothing.

Now, apparently it doesn’t.

In all honesty that sucks, the back of his mind is so angry that he can’t concentrate on what’s happened, he has to actually make an effort to not fall into his thoughts.

The others are having fun, it’s the first group meeting they’ve had, Soobin and Serim are arguing about having either pizza or chicken, Taehyun resting his head on Soobin’s shoulder, Ravn keeps hitting Serim’s leg whenever he agrees or disagrees, so really he’s playing the drum with his leg, Yeonjun is talking Kai through climbing back down (they really shouldn’t have sent the designated idiots up a tree) and Beomgyu... Beomgyu is the only one not really with anyone, he’s the only one sitting on his own, nodding and making hugs of agreement whenever his opinion was wanted, but he wasn’t really apart of it.

The stupid little part of him, the only part of him with confidence says they don’t care, they don’t notice something so stupidly small. So obviously they don’t care. Obviously they’d rather you not being here. 

On dumb days like this, the little things that change on the outside version of him feel like he’s sending a very loud cry for help that everyone seems to ignore.

“Why don’t we just meet in the middle and get noodles?” Ravn sighed.

“How is that meeting in the middle?” Taehyun rolled his eyes.

“I could go for some noodles!” Kai yells as he ran towards them, Yeonjun walking behind, “yeah, me too.”

“Me and Beomgyu have a shift soon, so let’s go.”

“Actually I’ve gotten called in early, so I’ll see you guys later.”

Beomgyu started walking away, he heard some words of protest as he got farther away, but no one followed him, no one stopped him, thankfully.

He was just so bored, bored of literally everything. What’s the point of a life that has no joy and repeats the same routine everyday? He is the first to admit that he isn’t a fan of being spontaneous, but it wouldn’t hurt to have a little bit of it in his life. 

A little bit of something even, a little bit of anything.

———————

“Sublime.”

“This again?” Taehyun shook his head, handing a soapy plate to Beomgyu.

“You had a couple days break, stop complaining.” Beomgyu hit the younger with the tea towel.

“What does it mean then?” Taehyun sighed, swatting him away with his free hand.

“It means like great excellence or beauty, or unparalleled, depends how you use it.” Beomgyu shrugged, taking a soapy cup.

“You’re strange.” Taehyun shook his head, “are you and Yeonjun dating yet?”

“That was quite the subject change.” Beomgyu raised an eyebrow, pushing the cup to the back of the cupboard.

“It’s hard to watch, just get a room.” Taehyun rolled his eyes.

“Only if you and Soobin do.” Beomgyu sniggered when Taehyun made an indescribable noise at the back of his throat.

“Never say that again.” Taehyun turned back to the bowl and started scrubbing it, quite furiously aswell, Beomgyu couldn’t help but feel a bit sorry for it.

“But it’s so obvious. You haven’t liked someone in awhile, and you’ve never looked at anyone else the way you look at Soobin, he even looks at you the same way, so I don’t get what you’re waiting around for.” Beomgyu shook his head, propping his head up with his hand as he leaned against the counter.

“And what about you and Yeonjun? You’ve both confessed to eachother and you’re not dating, you can’t exactly give me that advice right now.” Taehyun huffed.

“That’s different, we have a reason, and stop turning it to be around that. Neither you not Soobin are shy people, you’re both not dumb enough to be that oblivious either, so just kiss him already and get married.” 

“That escalated way too fast.” Taehyun raised an eyebrow, “I’ll tell him if you tell me why you and Yeonjun aren’t dating yet.”

“That’s a stupid deal.”

“No it isn’t.”

“I know you won’t tell him.”

“I will!”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “because I don’t think he really likes me.”

Taehyun eyes practically popped out of his head, hitting his palm off his face and groaning, “are you joking right now? Like seriously, you must be joking.”

“He doesn’t know me.”

“He doesn’t know every little detail about you, those are two very different things.” Taehyun sighed, snatching the towel from Beomgyu so he could throw it into the laundry pile beside him.

“I’m not me when I’m with him, so no, he doesn’t know me.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes, jumping up onto the counter.

“Or maybe you’re the most you you’ve been in a long time when you’re with him, you know, the Beomgyu who wears his heart on his sleeve, the Beomgyu yhat has big dreams, my brother from another mother.” Taehyun shot him finger guns, the older grimaced.

“You’re a weirdo, and am I still not your brother now?”

“You’re the other version of my brother, the one that believes that dumb brain of his, the real version of my brother isn’t afraid to show who he is, I haven’t seen him in awhile, so I kind of miss him.”

“You’re talking like I have a twin.”

Taehyun shook his head, patting Beomgyu’s knee as he walked by, “You’re missing the point on purpose. I’m gonna get ready for class, when Kai gets back tell him to give me back my hoodie or there’ll be hell to pay.”

“Aye aye, and you have to tell Soobin now.”

“Sure, sure.”

“Asshole.”

——————

“This is so boring.” Soobin whispered, fiddling with Beomgyu’s earring, the younger swatted his hand away.

“You don’t have to be here.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“But I’m helping a bud! If I don’t I’ll feel bad.” Soobin groaned, lying his face on the desk, someone walking by with a stack of books gave them a dirty look, Beomgyu cringed at Soobin.

“Yes, you’re being a great help.” Beomgyu shook his head, closing his text book, “what do you wanna do?”

“Wanna get some coffee?” Soobin grabbed Beomgyu’s hands, doing his very best impression of puppy eyes.

Which Beomgyu has to admit, are very effective.

“Fine, come on.” He sighed, stuffing his notepad and pens into his backpack.

“Yes! You’re the best!” Soobin smiled, grabbing his arm and pulling him towards the exit, pulling out his phone in the other.

“Who are you texting?” Beomgyu tried to peer over the elders shoulder, Soobin flicked his forehead, pocketing his phone again.

“Wasn’t texting anyone. Come on, let’s go to the one that gives you hot chocolate and marshmallows.” 

“Sugar rush, love your thinking, old man.”

——————

Beomgyu should have known Soobin was up to something. Soobin never wants to optionally go to the library, Taehyun had to literally drag him out of the bed for their group project, Yeonjun was even kind enough to film it.

And Soobin’s very wide smile right now is neither discreet nor welcoming, he looks borderline serial killer right now.

“Oh Yeonjun, fancy seeing you here! Oh wow, would you look at the time, sorry Gyu, I didn’t realise it would take so long to walk here, gotta dash, lots and lots of work to do!” 

And somewhat comically, Soobin started to jog backwards away, waving as he kept checking behind him.

“Bye?” Beomgyu raised an eyebrow, giving the elder a small wave, Yeonjun threw an arm around the smallest shoulders, “what’s up with him?” Beomgyu tilted his head.

“Couldn’t tell you. He probably wants to find some cute game to play, you know he takes that very seriously.”

“That was just plain weird, though.” Beomgyu shook his head. “You go and find us a seat, it’s my turn to order.”

“It’s fine I’ll get it, you go.” Yeonjun shook his head.

“But I wanna.” Beomgyu pouted.

“Nope.” Yeonjun stuck out his tongue.

“You go, you’re gonna hold up the queue.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes.

“Hi, what can I get you?”

Beomgyu looked up at the barista somewhat guilty, they probably didn’t even hear the conversation but they still look so very done looking at the two of them being immature.

Oh well, who needs to grow up, that’s boring.

Beomgyu let out a small noise of surprise and glared at Yeonjun as the elder elbowed him away, pointing towards a seat, Beomgyu trudged to the table somewhat rejected.

He sat his phone on the table and sighed, putting his head in his arms, still pouting.

It was a quieter day for once, this is only the fourth time he’s been here with Yeonjun (not that he’s counting), but the other times the cafe was bustling.

“Don’t look so moody.” Yeonjun sniggered, placing a cup in front of him and ruffling his hair, sliding into the seat across of him.

“That was mean. Also thank you.” Beomgyu huffed.

“Those two sentences don’t work together well.” Yeonjun laughed, biting his lip when Beomgyu showed at him.

“You’re such a bully.” The younger sighed, taking a sip form his cup.

“Hey, Beomgyu?”

“What now?”

“You seem happier. It’s nice to see you smiling.”

“Thanks.”

“Can I tell you something?”

“What’s up, junnie?”


End file.
